Dear Mr. Ockert,
Hello Sir. This professional letter is directed to Bryan Ockert of the website www.ChaosInAustin.com. This is the bag of corn you photographed last week for a food ad and for your website. I specifically did not give you permission to exhibit the photographs of me with my bag removed. I am outraged! I know I posed for them for two hours in full view of witnesses and agreed to do so in writing and my corn was fully shiny and aroused, and I signed a contract allowing you to do so and you paid me, however you have no right to peddle vegetable bag porn even though I agreed to such an arrangement.I want to be exhibited in a snazzy grocery store like Albertons - not Sack'N Save!
I was recently featured on a fabulous, full two color newspaper pull-out leaflet for Sack'N Save Grocery about how I was available for 99 cents for the whole month of April if you also bought a can of beans. With exposure like that, well it's obvious to everyone that I am very different from the rows of bags of corn that sit on the frozen shelf next to me. It is obvious to everyone I am destined for the big time.
I have spoken to lawyers and am setting the wheels in motion to sue you. These are BIG TIME lawyers... like the ones on Ally McBeal! Yes that's right.
You promised me more money too. I know I signed the contract for what you paid me but there were verbal agreements floating around in my head somewhere and those must be acknowledged after the fact! I demand full rights to the photographs of me WITH and WITHOUT my bag on, despite what I agreed upon and what you paid me for. I also want you to remove the above stated photographs of me without my bag from your website, as well as the bagged ones. I am aware I signed a full contract but my friend the jar of pecans has made me see the light. If you have any questions, please call my cell phone. The jar of pecans will speak for me. He is a very wise jar of pecans and he in charge of my dazzling new career as a bag of corn.
Sincerely,
A Bag of Corn
