*This article was created by, and originally appeared in www.theonion.com in 1998 and was totally pirated by Mark Allen
WASHINGTON, DC--At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro crisis," cautioning that "if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005."
According to Williams--best known to most Americans as "Potsie" on the popular, '50s-nostalgia-themed 1970's sitcom Happy Days before being named head of the embattled Department of Retro by President Clinton in 1992--the U.S.'s exponentially decreasing retro gap is in danger of achieving parity with real-time historical events early in the next century, creating what leading retro experts call a "futurified recursion loop," or "retro-present warp," in the world of American pop-cultural kitsch appreciation.
Such a warp, Williams said, was never
a danger in the past due to the longtime, standard two-decade-minimum retro
waiting
period. "However, the mid-'80s deregulation of retro under the Reagan
Administration eliminated that safeguard," he explained,
"leaving us to face the threat of retro-ironic appreciation being applied
to present or even future events."
"We are talking about a potentially devastating
crisis situation in which our society will express nostalgia for events
which
have yet to occur," Williams told reporters.
The National Retro Clock currently stands
at 1990, an alarming 74 percent closer to the present than 10 years ago,
when it
stood at 1969.
Nowhere is the impending retro crisis
more apparent, Williams said, than in the area of popular music. "To the
true
retrophile, disco parties and the like were common 10 years ago. Similarly,
retro-intelligentsia have long viewed 'New Wave'
and even late-'80s hair-metal retro as passé and no longer amusing
as kitsch," Williams said. "We now face the unique situation
of '90s retro, as evidenced by the current Jane's Addiction reunion
tour: nostalgia for the decade in which we live."
"Before long," Williams warned, "the
National Retro Clock will hit 1992, and we will witness a massive grunge-retro
explosion, which will overlap with the late-period, mainstream-pop
remnants of the original grunge movement itself. For the
first time in history, a phenomenon and nostalgia for that particular
phenomenon will actually meet."
"In other words, to quote '90s-retro
kitsch figure David Lynch," Williams said, "'One of these days that gum
you like is
going to come back in style.'"
Anthropologists hold that retro began
some 40,000 years ago with the early hominids' mental projection of trace
infantile-dependency memories into a mythical "golden age." Continuing
with the Renaissance's rediscovery of Greco-Roman
homoeroticism and the mass "Egyptology" fashions of the Victorian Age,
retro had, prior to this century, always been
separated from the present age by a large buffer of intermediate history.
Since 1900, however, the retro parabolic
curve has soared exponentially, with some generations experiencing several
different forms of retro within a single lifetime.
"This rapidly shrinking gap between retro
and the present day is like a noose closing ever tighter around the neck
of
American kitsch," said Harvard University professor of American culture
Louis I. Szilard, "or, if you will, a warning light,
similar to the electric buzzer-nose of the naked fat man in the Milton
Bradley fun and skill game 'Operation.'"
The Department of Retro warning comes
on the heels of its 750-page Report On Nostalgia Viability And Past-Depletion
Reduction Strategies, which examined the effects of the ever-increasing
co-option of retro trends by the mainstream.
According to the report, retro-kitsch
aesthetics--previously the domain of a tiny group of forward-thinking,
backward-looking alterna-hipsters, or "retro-cognoscenti"--have become
so prevalent in the national pop-culture psyche over
the last decade that they have been absorbed into the marketing strategies
of major retail chains and mass-media promotional
campaigns. Cited as an example is Entertainment Weekly's "Dance Hits
Of The '70s" free-with-subscription CD giveaway,
which boldly includes the slogan "Retro's Hot!"
Such mainstreaming of retro, the report
warned, has forced the hipster-elite element that formerly dominated the
retro
world to seek increasingly current forms of retro, a trend which threatens
to consume the nation's past reserves faster than new
past can be created.
The severity of the coming retro crisis,
Williams said, is compounded by the increasing complexity of modern retro,
evidenced in current youths' skewed perceptions of older generations
who themselves were born and raised in a retro-aware
environment.
"In the '70s, baby boomers enjoyed an
escape from turbulence and social upheaval through a '50s-retro romanticization
of
the sock-hops and drive-ins of their teenage years," Williams said.
"Yet today, '70s-retro-conscious Gen Xers now look upon
pop-cultural figures of that '50s retro trend, such as myself and my
close advisor, actor Donny Most, as '70s retro figures in
our own right, viewing us not as idealized youth archetypes but rather
as irony-tinged whimsical representations of cheesy,
"square" adulthood--a form of self-referential meta-retro that science
still does not fully understand."
It is hoped, Williams said, that such
meta-retro recycling of older forms of retro may function as a safety valve
to widen
the retro gap.
"Department of Retro officials are closely
studying new developments in meta-retro," Williams said, "including a dance
sequence in the new film Boogie Nights, which is simultaneously a '70s
retro allusion to Saturday Night Fever and a late-'80s
retro allusion to the Beastie Boys' seminal '70s retro video "Hey Ladies"--an
homage to an homage, if you will. While all the
facts are still not in, this much is clear: Now, more than ever, we
must conserve our precious pop-cultural past, for it is our
future."
*This article was created by, and originally appeared in www.theonion.com in 1998 and was totally pirated by Mark Allen