Oh but on the simple
surface, it was a grand golden age indeed
The recent past's strife and conflict the King's advisors did supersede
Things were going splendidly, at least so everyone thought!
The aristocracy and the lowly peasants, now hardly ever fought
They were too wrapped
up in a delightful daily grind of something quite absurd;
It was a conveyor belt of consumerism, in which their minds were blurred!
Expectation, consumption and depletion of something that didn't even exist
A thrice daily placebo such as this, was never ever ever dare missed!
Oh how the people did
love it, although they were eating just air!
They munched and slurped and chewed, without a thought they did spare...
For a second... to stop... and think, oh but they're happy - so who cares?
But! Something very bad was brooding 'neath the surface... of which no one was aware!
Then one day the King
took his advisor, into his royal limousine
"I now must now go down to my people... and survey the scene"
"Oh advisor, my Nothing cake it fills me with much elation!"
"I know I'm obviously brilliant... but I need some confirmation!"
They both went into
the town, the King was pleased at what he saw
His self congratulated himself, oh how he laughed and guffawed
He pointed at the unsuspecting, peasants, he really made quite a fuss!
"Oh I must say right now, I do think I am very much a genius!"
But something caught
his eye - it was of little concern at first
Something about the people's body weight... it seemed to have reversed
The townspeople now seemed skinnier than ever before
The King thought to himself: "I know my people used to weigh more!"
He turned and asked
his advisor "why what are the people eating? For vitamins and substance?"
"Why the nothing nothing cake of course" he replied with pompous confidence
"I know" the King spat "I mean in addition to that!"
"I don't know" was the advisor's reply "...maybe some sod grass?"
"...Oh" said the King
pensively... but you see
He was starting to notice... he felt a bit uneasy
"But who cares! Look all around you King!" interrupted his advisor "Not a conflict or rebellion in sight!
The nothing cake is an opiate of the highest order! Are you not filled with delight?"
Then the King saw something
...laying down in the gutter of the lane
A small skinny body in the dirty road... why did no one complain?
The sight of this bothered him a little more - than it usually would have before
The King ordered his limo to pull over to the side... to see what it was there for
He leaned out and asked
the smiling woman, who was tending by the corpse's side
"My dear woman, is this person dead? I really must know!"
"Oh quite!" the woman cheerfully quipped "I guess it was just her time to go!
The King stopped and
looked down at the body, it was skeletal and wasted away.
It looked like malnutrition was the culprit! Eating nothing everyday!
The King said "I'm sorry for the loss of your friend who's life has faltered."
The woman giggled and said "Oh no your highness... she is my daughter!"
"My god woman are you
not upset?" said the King "Oh how can it be?"
The woman's face lit up... and she told him with glee;
"She has been taken into the arms of the nothing cake! Can't you see?"
Then she skipped away and added "It's written in The Book! Page 703!"
"The Book!?!? What
is that!?" the King turned and snapped to his advisor with a puzzled look
"Oh that! It's a kind of... uh... text... an inspirational tome, a simple guide book,
It turns the townspeople into nothing nothing cake gluttons!
Me and my associates wrote it... as per your instructions!"
"Ah... but your nothing
cake plan is flawless... It's your most amazing work to date!
as genius ideas go... only a nothing cake your highness could create!
There are different levels of intelligence... some empty heads need to be filled!
But some people they just don't 'get it' - a certain 'nuance' if you will..."
The advisor continued:
"Ahhh look, you and us smart people know...
that in the ghetto down below... the people are like dodos
We know their brains are slow... what-to-do? Ah presto!
We whipped up this very simple one million page manifesto!"
"Did you call me a
VERY SLIMY ONE MILLION POUND FATSO!?"
The King then erupted - to which the advisor screamed "No!
Although it seemed... I simply explained "a very simple one million page mani-fest-o"!
To which the King regained his composure, calmed down and said "...Oh"
"Million page man-a-WHATS-so!?"
said the King after a pause.
"You mean to tell me that the nothing cake - of which I deserve standing applause
But you're telling me to get this fact through the townspeople's thick little noggins
The nothing nothing cake, has a million paged book of instructions?"
"Oh yes!" the royal
advisor very confidently replied
It's a little thing we worked on ...all the day and night
We constructed it unawares, following the cake's riotous premiere
Of which, as you may have figured out, we were very painfully unprepared"
"The book's design
is flawless! Every question one might have about the nothing cake ...and
leads to another question about the nature of the question of that nature and so on don't you see?
It's a Mobius strip of questions and answers - like an endless Chinese puzzle
That's power to keep one's mind of the real matter at hand... is evilly remarkable."
"Why yes your highness,
the book makes people see rainbows where there is shit,
It is a gobbledygook-filled and relentlessly wordy mind opiate!
It even cruelly exploits the feelings of 'faith' and 'hope'
Once you begin reading, you're hooked... it's a slippery slope!"
"Any question that
cannot be explained, is simply chalked up to the fact that
The cake's infinite wisdom... should not be questioned or retract
Because the person's puny mind, is too small to see - the nothing cake's grand destiny
Then it usually instructs the reader to have ten slices, for their blasphemy."
"It's an unbelievable
piece of crap - that fools you with dazzle and panache
Oh we're the only ones who know - the book is total hogwash!
But it's power to control them remarkable... why our genius is of immense size
I hope it wins me ...oops I mean YOU... the grand nobel prize!"
The King listened with
pensive apprehension ...adding to his advisor "Yes... indeed..."
But for the first time in his life the King felt a slight twinge of moral unease,
The peasants were happy and content and that he was growing richer because of it
But a set of machinations had been set in motion, of which he felt he was the main culprit
The King stared and
stared and stared and stared, and stared and stared some more
For moments of self doubt he was unprepared... he had never questioned himself before
What was wrong? his head kind of hurt, his ample stomach did quite sink
Oh yes... that's it; for the first time in his life... he was being forced... to think!
He couldn't help but
feel a certain guilt - that's power was hard to quell
"Oh well" he thought, "on the negative there's no need to dwell!
I must not confuse guilt with the blues... on this depression I must stomp!
I think I'll retire to my palace, and summon my harem for a naughty romp!"
It had been a stressful
day, the King was in the mood for a naughty bender...
But as the limo rode towards the castle, he turned and looked at his advisor
Out of the corner of his eye... his royal highness spied something unordinary-y-y!
The King saw his advisor's hand ... and he noticed it looked a little... bone-y-y-y.
The King arrived at
his palace, and quickly summoned three rotund hairy harem lasses
He smeared his commingling layers of fat with lard - for the harem to massage with their asses...
In preparation for yet another hot and gooey "hot buttered" four-gy!
And when the King said "hot buttered", trust me - he meant literally!
He attached his fake
toe, taped up his face up, and installed his seventeen chin supporters...
Then after all that preparation, when the girls finally did arrive... knocking at his quarters,
He gurgled and giggled as he glazed and drizzled butter on his lard-y ass...
Then laid face down on the bed naked, derriere sky-ward and said "Ah! My three fat ladies at last!"
But when the King turned
around - his chin supporter snapped and his jaw hit the floor - he was
shocked and confounded!!!
There stood his pig-nosed harem - each shrunk down! Each one merely ninety pounded!
Looking like svelte, slim and sickly pipe cleaner sticks! What happened to his plump round harem chicks?!
"My god women what has happened?" he gasped "You used to be fat as candles, but now you are merely but the wicks!"
"What happened to your
poundage you stick insect broads!?" demanded the King from his bed
You all look like you've been scandalously and most unpleasantly underfed!"
"Why thanks to six daily helpings of gorgonzola cheese,"
he said "a mere few weeks ago you were rhinoceros-ees!"
"We've been turned
on to your Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake!" one said with an emaciated light-headed
"We eat it morning noon and night - and we've also been reading it's wonderful manifesto!"
"What?! Oh my god!
No! No! No! Have you dumb boobs gone completely insane!?
That Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake is a scheme - it's designed to quell the townspeople's pains...
That mass-less pastry is tomfoolery - why you've all turned to bones with no brains
That million page nonsensical manuscript - is designed to make stupid people not complain!"
"I want you all fat
again - start eating your gorgonzola cheese every day
Why... oh it's horrid - it's awful, just look at yourselves... ick! You're wasting away!
Now don't come back to rub my ass until you each weigh thirty stone! Now GO!!!
and remember that the Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake DOESN'T EXIST you skinny dumbos!"
But the skinny harem
girls just lowered their eyes to the floor, in a pious and condescending
Then they whispered and gossiped amongst each other, quoting lines from the manifesto's page
"What are you whispering about!?" snapped the King "Speak up! I will not be disobeyed!"
The girls simply looked back at him and said "We pity you" - and then whisked themselves away...
"Wha...? Come back
here at once!" shouted the King "I command you to obey!"
Then he sat there dumbfounded... speechless, he didn't know quite what to say
"I will not be ignored!" he whispered... but the harem girls had gone... disappeared
This had never happened before - his commands had not once fallen on deaf ears!
"My head has grown
weary... I need something to eat!"
I think I'll summon my royal cooks to deep fry me a treat
In the back of his fat little brain, he felt an apocalyptic sickness approaching...
But to distract himself he spat out "I think I also want some fresh penguins for poaching!"
So he waddled off defeated
and with his ego - the malnourished harem had made him upset
"I know! I'll have the royal cooks whip me up some pickled llama foie gras aspic crochets!
That will calm my nerves... and it will make me feel more centered I bet!
Oh how I need something to distract me from my ominous moral debts!"
But when the King got
off the escalator - he found that the kitchen doors had been locked shut!!!
Boarded up, padlocked, painted over... "Oh my goodness NOW what is up?"
The King took his fat fists - and tried to get the strength to pound on his brain
He was growing very hungry "Has my entire castle gone completely insane?"
He wandered the court
- there seemed to be no one around
He searched high and low, there was no one to be found!
Finally, in the castle's library - he spied his faithful trusty advisor
Curled up, reading a book... and looking as skinny as a miser
"My god man!" the King
sputtered as he shook and wallowed across the floor
"I'm so glad to have found you! Where has everyone gone? God this place has become a bore
I've been high and low and there is not a soul to found - I'm hungry and starting to feel unwell...
And my harem looks like skeletons! I think they may have fallen under the nothing cake's spell!"
"Why the kitchen is
boarded up - the royal chefs have gone on permanent vacation!
Oh I'll wring their necks when I find them! I've never known such frustration!
I order you to go down to the kitchen and fix me something before my stomach starts to tighten
Oh... how about a durian fruit and pork frappe, or some other delicious grand taste sensation?!"
The royal advisor looked
up from his book, his face - had a shallow gait
The King noticed his body was withered, and it had no weight
The advisor simply stood up, pointed his boney finger at the king like a withered dead tree
and before he dropped to the floor, he whispered "BLASPHEMY!"
The King ran to his
side, and checked for a pulse - there was none!
The King's associate was dead... he was gone! "This is not at all fun!
"Oh my God! What is happening!? You seem to have expired like the others... from malnutrishing!
Oh I... I don't like this at all! What will I do? What have I done? Who will now do my bidding?"
The king then spied
a book next to him on the floor - he tried to make out the book's sleeve
When he made out the title - he didn't need to know more - what he saw he did not believe
His skinny eyebrows raised, he squinted a little... "Oh is that the nothing cake manifesto I see?"
He picked it up and
turned it's pages - with his opposable piggy thumbs
He finally was forced to feed on - the nothing cake's set of instructions!
Some deceptive, flippant, nonexistent dessert - that he had demanded on a whim
Now had a complicated guide book - that's pages equaled a mind-whopping 1,000,000,000!
It's logic worked on
a loop... of contrition and reward, it warmed your heart and simultaneously
chilled you to the bone
It's words catered to what you feared, your trepidation, need for confirmation and suspicion of the unknown
It prayed on people's sense of hope and craving for order - was a sinisterly clever little skunk of a book
One foot into it's catchy logistical traps and you were snared - you were undeniably hooked!
The process of wanting,
eating, and disposing of the nothing cake was what it was about
And the more and more you read it - the more and more you wanted to spout
To all those around you... about the nothing cake and all it's answers
And it labeled those who questioned the it's power - as society's cancer
He was amazed at how
the book made such sense of what was obviously nuts!
It made the cake seem infinitely wise, thoughtful, and delicious...
He knew it was all a lie... a farce... down deep in his clogged little gut
Then the King looked up, whispered the word "no" ...and slammed the book shut
"I must put an end
to this travesty, the way everyone's mind has been fogged
I must find a scapegoat to blame, someone to take into the town to be flogged!
My robust frame is not made for scapegoating - I'm royalty after all
Now who in my court can I blame, who has a poker face? Someone to take the fall?"
He dashed round the
halls of what appeared to be an empty castle
This much walking for the king was really quite a hassle
All that he had endured had filled him with exasperation
his jiggly frame bouncing from wall to wall in sweaty, desperation
"Hello! Yoo-hoo! I
have something to correct! Does anyone care? Is anyone there?
Oh and also while you're at it... does anyone have some food to spare?
I'll give up my throne! I don't care any more... someone throw me a bone
Oh god this is worse than I thought! I don't want to be alone!"
But what the King spied
littering the floor from hall to hall... made him finally loose his
Was the skinny, smiling corpse of every royal court member, clasping the manifesto in a last grip of death
His panic turned to terror... for the first time the King's hope was completely bereft
A nauseating thought appeared deep in his gut; might he be the last person left?
The King ran from the
castle in a panic - and down into the people's town
his pick-stick legs... beneath his ample body - made quite an odd little sound
"Oh... oh it's your beloved King! Someone please! Is anyone around?
But streets piled with anorexic corpses... was all that he unfortunately found!
"Oh hello hello?!"
the King plead while stepping over bodies in exasperated breaths
The King had relied on others all his life... but he was really trying his best
"Is anyone here?... it's time for me to be changed! it's time for me to be fed
I know I dine on delicacies... but... uh, I may like some nothing cake instead!"
But all that met his
pleas... were smiling dead bodies, clogging the street drain pipes
In each one's hands was the nothing cake manifesto - which they seemed to clutch for dear life
You would think rats would start feeding on the expired... but the rats had all gone home
After all... a rat needs real sustenance! It can't live on just skin and bones!
"Oh boo hoo! This is
a calamity, a cataclysm, a catastrophe, a tragedy
A disaster of epic and apocalyptic proportion that can't be all because of me!
Oh this is all causing so much stress and migraine-y frustration
I want to escape this horrible situation without any hesitation!"
The King his head did
spin, as he contemplated sin... and the depths of his soul let out a rattled
The fact that he'd had nothing nothing nothing to sustain his hunger, had caught up with him at last
He realized he was alone! He reached one frail hand out, put the other to his clammy cheek
His eyes popped out a bit... like like grapes, his knees? They felt oh so very weak
Then every cell in
the King's body, as if hearing the work day's end bell - succumbed to total
It shrugged it's shoulders, sighed, gave up... as if to say "Oh well!" - and give the final solution a test!
Quickly his body, soul and mind dropped to their knees (his crown made an unremarkable plop in the mud)
His tremendous torso then fell and followed suit... (with all the fatty padding, it made a loud, dull thud)
His head was sideways
in the dirt - as the horizon was aligning itself, with the setting sun
As the King's greasy, exhausted face was resigning itself... to the strange fact that he hadn't won
He did convince his mind ...in his last moments alive - that after all he was trying to help...
and that his interest in the cake ...oh I know it's contrived - was for everyone but himself
With his complex ego,
now reconfigured to disguise itself as benefacting others
The last human soul on Earth was now a snack for mice, roaches and buzzards
The universe has always known the meaty truth... that mankind was an eventual goner...
Hey, is that a hungry rat over there I see... poking it's waiting head around the corner?
So in self-delusion,
he felt satisfied... and with that, could finally let go
His fat heart began to flutter... his phlegmy breathing began to slow
This last man ever, saw a glowing, tunnel-like of closure... why isn't it a bummer?
By it's very nature, his jerk's brain was designed... to help promote a final restful slumber!
Designed to create
then destroy him... man's ego with it's final strange attractor now acquired
(A strange attractor that by it's very essence was designed to naturally backfire)
With one last exhale of molecules... to simple red meat his regal body had now re-wired
And with that, the King's thought of himself, the last trace of mankind in the universe... simply... expired.
Copyright 2003 Mark Allen