Mark Allen's "The Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake"
Copyright 2001 Mark Allen

This is my morality tale, "The Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake". I have no idea how it popped into my head. When I started putting up this story way back in 2001, viewers of my page sent in illustrations, which were all great (icluding the title one below by Bertrand Santini). I originally had the illustrations on the same pages as the text - but I have decided they were too big and broke up the text too much... so I have moved them all to a seperate page here.

Here are parts 2 and parts 3 and parts 4.

Now... sit back and enjoy:

artwork: Bertrand Santini
Once upon a familiar time - in a not so faraway land
The peasants and serfs lived meagerly, on the barren sand
that surrounded a castle, in which lived a plump King
Who was awfully inept, at every King-like thing!

The King was over-dressed, childish, stupid and fat!
...and the king didn't care, about the fact that
his people were in ruin, disease, famine and unrest
The King didn't care, he just kept receiving the best...

He slept in a pewter palace, on a bed of penguin feathers!
He had eyeglasses made from amazing transparent leather!
He gorged himself daily on mile high persimmons pies,
Sautéed baboon, pickled pancakes, and yam french fries!

The King had a harem of women, they were awfully rather plump!
They ate gorgonzola cheese all day, which gave them smelly rumps!
They were rotund, greasy and obnoxious - their pig-noses would make you wretch!
And they had coarse hair on their breasts! Hey now that's just not correct!

The King had money to burn - oh it was quite extravagant and  terrible
but he lived each rosy day as if - he were the star attraction at a carnival
His hair was course and curly - and required an electric straightener
Did I also tell you that - his castle contained the world's only working escalator?

While way down below the castle, the King had quickly forgot
his people lived in huts made of old wire, tin foil and snot!
Oh the king lived it up, in an ignorant way
and to pay for it all? He taxed his people every day!

The people spent their days in squalor and conflict!
while the King's greedy taxes grew more and more strict!
The King wore fur socks, and a cubic zirconia hat!
While the people wore rancid shawls - made of pounded-out flat rat!

 The people fought for crumbs, oh it was very depressing!
They lived on peeled-wallpaper salad and toilet water dressing!
The people had to be resourceful and live by their wits...
the finest delicacy they knew? Elmer's glue grits!

Casserole made from ear wax and moldy old fondue sticks!
Noodles made of bike tires, and deep fried bricks!
And on Thanksgiving day - oh for goodness sake...
all of them had to share, a single soggy Frosted Flake!

One very sad Christmas... oh the people they were starving to death!
They did something oh so drastic - oh I suppose it was for the best...
They drew straws and decided - to eat one of their own babies!
Oh but don't blame them to much; the baby... it had rabies!

 Starving? Yes! The people were taxed until they had nothing at all!
The King squeezed them dry - oh he had so much gall!
He was really setting himself up - for a dramatic downfall
Thank god the King lived behind - a very large pewter wall!

One day one of the king's royal advisors (in between the king's snacks)
Warned the King that one day the people might attack!
He said "Your royal highness, the political atmosphere is just awful
Your people are starving, and they find your taxes unlawful!"

"A revolution is brewing, me and my associates have done studies!
We have deducted that it will be just terrible, and quite bloody!
A poll was conducted last week, to rate your popularity
And it was concluded the people despise you! With much barbarity!"

"They feel perfectly justified - in popcicle-ing your head on a stick!
Drinking your blood from martini glasses - frying your eyeballs on toothpicks!
Their desires to kill you, sound oddly culinary - and quite sick!
Oh do you know nothing at all about politics?"

"Oh shut up - you bore me!" snarled the King to his associate
"I am the ruler of this land, and I don't think it's appropriate!
To question my wisdom... but nevertheless
I do sense amongst my people... a certain unrest."

"The people are weak in spirit, due to malnutrition
That is a state I like them in, it gives me ammunition...
To tax them relentlessly! Whilst I live like a lush!
All the while their starving brains, are too weak to make a fuss!"

"But I do agree, people are starting to talk, and conspire.
And from not eating daily, they are growing tired...
The people are unruly, unhappy, bloodthirsty and starving
And if I don't think fast, it will be my carcass they'll be carving!"

"Hmmm... everyone loves good food. I've got a special treat!
Let's give the peckish people - a complimentary new dish to eat!"
So the king devised a plan, to cover their eyes with wool
He knew they couldn't complain - if their mouths were full!

"We must give them something nutritious, and quite filling
While actually it's ingredients will not cost me a shilling!
We'll give it to them daily, until they're stuffed fat
They will eat and eat, and never know that..."

"...What they are eating is actually nothing! zilch! zip! zero!
Oh advisor do help me? I want my people to see me a hero!
Help me figure out a snack - something we can give away daily
something cost effective... spaghetti-shaped styrofoam maybe?"

Now the King saw himself as perfect, he got his way time and time again
(An unfortunate situation, due to too many yes-men)
He was confidently arrogant... he knew his plan just couldn't miss!
But unfortunately for the King... ignorance is bliss!

So the advisor listened with nervous skepticism (which he of course never let show)
And told the king his plan was filled with "wisdom!" (at lying he was a pro!)
He scribbled notes and nodded as the King talked
If he wanted to keep his job - he didn't dare balk!

But the advisor did figure out (but didn't say)
He would have to get to work right away
If the people were to believe the king's  lies...
Pulling the wool over their eyes!

"Well whatever dish you decide to feed your starving people with,
Your royal high-ness, whatever you bestow...
We must hype it relentlessly, so the people never know
That while we are feeding them daily - they are still on skid row!"

"We must hype it relentlessly, with advertising and trickery
That the dish, which doesn't exist, goes down deliciously!
We must make them believe, without a shadow of a doubt!
Their deception is the key! We must never be found out!"

"I will put my associates to work immediately, the poets and reviewers...
lawyers, critics, celebrities - and other wrongdoers!
We will create quite a buzz, write glowing reviews in the dailies!
Why even our court minstrel - will write a jingle on his ukuleles!"

So the advisor scurried off - to get busy at work to hype and plan
He would make posters and announcements - to spread throughout the land!
He would let the starving, angry people know... before they could riot
That the King would be adding something "must-eat!", something "5-star" to their diet!!!

But what would the King decide on?
What could he possibly have his royal chefs make?
Oh... he would think of something sneaky...
(...And that would prove to be an apocalyptic mistake!)

So the King waddled down to the royal court, the chefs all quaked with fright!
And then the King's lungs got ready to huff and puff - with all of their blubbery might
As the assembled court stared in anticipation, the king was heard to declare on that fateful day
A foolish and selfish decision, disguised as a power play!

He had the trumpets blare (the harem girls dropped their cheese!)
All the spineless, royal, yes-men - they all fell on their knees!
And the king then shrieked 12 words, that caused the castle walls to shake!
12 words that would prove to be mankind's worst mistake:

"I command my royal cooks to bake!
A Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake!!!"

Copyright 2001 Mark Allen

...on to Part II of "The Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake"

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