= 
?
1: The weird
white goo inside the pores on my nose that I can squeeze out
What is that stuff? Boy does that white goo stuff that I can squeeze out
of the pores on my nose freak me the fuck out. What is it? They look like
itty bitty embryos saying "Doooon't kiiiillll meee!" every time I command
them to appear with my two forefingers. Is this where they get Ramin noodles
from? Does anyone know what they
are?
2: The Christmas
Snowstorm hurricane
I spent a very warm and kooky and romantic Christmas with Jim in the Catskills.
Like the rest of America, we were hit in the very early AM on Christmas
with an "I am the Iceman and I cometh" blizzard. Since Jim and I were too
poor to give each other presents (I was going to sell my hair so I could
afford to buy him a gold chain for his watch, and he was going to sell
his watch to buy me a golden comb for my hair) - we spent the morning walking
out into the raging, great white expanse of "screaming quietness" - the
best phrase I can think of to describe a snowstorm of that magnitude. I
kept expecting Jack Nicolson to start chasing us with an ax. The inevitable
"Wow... what if this was all cocaine!" was uttered at least once. I probably
lost 5 pounds in tears alone (not faggy cry tears but searing wind tears).
It was intense. We even saw a line of snow-covered deer splashing one by
one accross a freezing stream! It was beautiful! It looked like a Coors
Lite ad!
When we got back to Jim's place we were so covered in snow that we looked
like two giant walking egg white omlettes.
Here - are
- a - bunch
- of - pictures
I took that day and night.
3: Cross country
skiing in the Catskill mountains
*WHEEEE-hahahahahaha! *cough*cough*hack* hahahahaheeheehoho* WHEEEEEE!!!
Okay... another goddamn thing I can check off that mutherfucking goddamn
list of "The Things I Did In My Life". Hoo-fucking-ray! It was really interesting
and I had a good time. I had always heard that cross country skiing was
a lot harder and different than downhill skiing for obvious reasons. I
had always assumed that the cool part of it was looking at the snow-covered
landscape all around you as you zoomed along. I found this hard to do though
because I kept having to look down at my ski's to make sure they didn't
stray too far off the straight and narrow. But one benefit that DID deliver
was the exercise. Afterwards I felt like I had been doing yoga for a week.
The only all-body workout that I can think of that is that strenuous is
swimming.
We went along this old "rail trail" that cuts through the mountain landscape
- so it wasn't completely uncharted territory. We were surrounded by a
line of trees on both sides for some of the way... but a lot of times the
trees broke and it was an expanse of crystalline wow.
STYLE WISE: Jim and I were using ugly, poor-people, cheap-o ski's and boots
(I rented mine) - the low-end of the suburban outdoor set (both our boots
looked like they were left over from Olivia Newton John's leftovers
'Let's Get Physical' video), but they worked (and to be honest everyone
else we saw on the trail had the same equipment).
It was wild... whoosh-ing, roboticaly robust and exhausting. It was fun
and hearty... and afterwards I felt mentally and physically drained but
oddly refreshed and inspired... kind of like I had just been in a horribly
violent car wreck or been viciously gang raped.
It was a blast!
Here
- are - some
- pictures
I took along the way.
4: Huey Long
I, like a lot of people of my generation, only remember Huey Long from
various characitures referring to him in really old Warner Brothers' Bugs
Bunny cartoons. I just caught Ken Burns' film on Huey Long on PBS.
What a hilarious character! Whoa! What an outrageous powerhouse goof ball!
Yet another reason I love Southerners... Huey Long was everything that
makes extreme Southern characters what they are and more. He rose to power
in the state of Louisiana by sheer lung power and showmanship, all the
while championing the rights of the working poor (this was just before
the depression hit - which when it did only catapulted him further into
mega-popularity) and he lied, cheated and stole (even had people kidnapped)
to make sure he got his way as he fought for the underdog and rose to political
power. His whole thing was the whole "share the wealth" thing... about
taxing the rich 10% and redistributing the wealth around to the country's
poor. This theory was, of course, full of loopholes, but to depression
era America, his dramatic, full-lung-power, bring-the-house-down speeches
in which he would cruelly mock the country's rich and famous by name sure
sounded like gold spun from angels in heaven. He would stay up for days
at a time (apparently on glasses of milk and handfuls of chocolates - and
a little drinkie'poo or twelve) traveling around the country, making speech
after speech to throngs that would gather to hear the man whom everybody
was talking about speak. People would come from miles around either in
support or to mock. As Huey shouted down the heavens, those in the front
of the crowd would yell along "Give it to'em Huey!" while those in back
shouted "Go to Hell!" ...all the while Huey's voice drowning out them all.
It was kind of like a Courtney Love concert in the 1990's!
He eventually rose to a Senate seat and, in truth - he really WAS fighting
for the working poor throughout his completely wild political career (in
his own erratic, wild, quasi hypocritical way)... it's just that the ego
that drove him kept getting in his way and causing him to make bold blunders,
which he never apologized for. In the end... his ego got the best of him
and the good ole' reliable public-witch-hunt-gossip phenomenon (a phenomenon
that Huey used to his advantage about a million times) took it's course
and Huey Long was assassinated in 1935 by the 29-year-old son of a judge
who was loosing his position thanks to Huey power mongering. Huey even
predicted that he would be assassinated, and walked around with armed guards
at all times... but it wasn't enough.
Huey was trying to become President... and if he had, many claim that it
might have been the first time a dictatorship established itself in the
United States. He was loved and hated all through his career - but in the
end many people in the country wanted him dead because of his escalating
abuse of power and disregard for those that questioned his more-and-more
desperate tactics. And it's probably this turn by Huey's public that would
have prevented him from rising to President of the United States if he
had escaped assassination. He was a near mythological example of the whole
GOOD/EVIL duality thing.
I've always loved outrageous Southerners like this, and loved the way it
makes Northerners mad at the way I love them... or at least I like to pretend
this is the case. Brainy, practical, preppie Northerners have no idea how
to handle Southern hurricanes like Huey Long... and I always think it's
kind of funny to watch them squirm, dour faced and silent, in the face
of them. Many of Huey's opponents in Washington literally had no idea how
to tame him and watched in imp-ish horror as he rose to greater and greater
power (In the end though they got their way when Huey self-destructed).
Of course... a LOT has changed since then. The tactics used by Huey to
gain support have been warmed over so many times they are used today by
the lamest corporations to sell the most boring products to consumers on
the lowest end of the consumer scale. It's almost hard to imagine a time
when Huey Long was cutting edge.
It's a wild ride, full of hilarious Southern characters... and I recommend
trying to check out Ken Burns' film on PBS if you get the chance (I'm sure
they'll re-run it - they ALWAYS do). Or go punch "Huey Long" into Google.com
to find out more about him.
5: The way the
band Lightning Bolt begins a show
Lightning
Bolt hail from Providence, R.I.'s art/music scene - and are connected
to this Fort Thunder
art commune thing, which may be in Brooklyn, I'm not sure... it's confusing.
Anyhows, the two members of Lightening Bolt, Brian Gibson (heavily effected
electric bass guitar) and Brian Chippendale (drum kit, macramé'd
head stockings, and contact microphones taped to his throat), use only
said drums and bass... along with a *MOUNTAIN* of amps. They refuse to
play on the stage at any venue, instead... they set up their massive outfit
somewhere near the back of the venue... on the floor, and the crowd forms
a circle around them when they begin playing. But the way they begin their
shows is what's key. Even if they are opening for a band... they always
play last on the set. As the lead band of the night is reaching the beginning
of it's second encore... Lightning Bolt begin setting up their equipment
near the back of the crowd, unbeknownst to most. As soon as the lead band
has reached the last few notes of their last song, and before they can
say "Goodnight!" or "Thanks you've been great!" - Lightning Bolt *R*I*P*
into the opening power chords of one of their adrenaline anthems. Mini-chaos
ensues. The lead band kinds of... stops playing (although most times they
know it's going to occur - apparently sometimes they don't), the crowd
all turns around to see what the explosion was, everyone's confused, and
Lightning Bolt have begun their set - a set which very quickly accelerates
into deafening, mock-violent, strobe-notic and skull-blasting mini
riots (make sure you click on that), where the sound *O*B*L*I*T*E*R*A*T*E*S*
people's eardrums and central cortexes, people fight like animals to get
to the center, and the whole mad mash pulses and sweats and throbs like
a pubescent boy's anxious, prone-to-violence boner. People get elbowed,
too-loud amps burst ear drums, cymbal stands burst people's eyes... what
a blast. There's probably less pushing and shoving at a Cannibal Corpse
show held on a Japanese subway car at rush hour.
Their CDs and vinyl are released on Load
Records. As you may have guessed, they are a much more interesting
live act than a digitally recorded one... something the band themselves
will admit. Click here
for an mp3 "Dracula Mountain" from their new album Wonderful Rainbow.
I was lucky enough to catch these guys a few years ago at NYC's now defunct
venue The Cooler. I don't even remember who the headlining act was (says
a lot) but I DO remember when Lightning Bolt started their set... I remember
I just backed up from the white core hole of blinding sound that burst
from the back just as the headlining act started their second encore...
everything was confused. The lead band I'm sure too were like "Huh?" as
the whole crowd pounced on the back area like wildebeests on a lamb and
everybody started flailing around like rag dolls in the dark to sound so
loud you couldn't even hear it (if you can imagine that). It was really
trippy and I remember all the people who worked at The Cooler were all
stopping and holding onto stuff like "...ouch" I remember thinking the
sound was so loud that it was WRONG. I actually felt really old... but
I have to say the way they began their set really fucked with my map...
and I liked it and never forgot it.
6: This photo
of Brigitte Boisselier
YAA! YAA! MMMM! POTATOES FOR YOU GOOD YAA!? YOU WANT BUY POTATOES YAA!?
YAA?! KNISHES FOR YOU I MAKE-A YOU GOOD PRICE MMM! MMM BEEF OR PORK
OR ZA STRUDEL YA?! YA GOOOD PRICES ON YA LEATHER SKIRTS AN COATS AT MAH
SISTERZ STORE AT ORCHARD STREET YA! YPU WANNA BUY AN YA PICKLE POTATOES
YA?!
7: Dermot Mulroney's
elaborately constructed fake receding hair-line mullet job in the film
"About Schmidt"
Yee-gads! Wow! I'm... uh... speechless. I don't think I've been so impressed
with this elaborate a hair construction ...ever! I don't think this has
anything to do with the mid-90's "mullet craze" as much as it has to do
with admiring an actor I have always loved and thought to be very handsome
agreeing to appear like this in an entire film. Talk about guts. Suddenly
my respect for Mr. Mulroney... already at stalker-levels... has reached
stellar-ly spastic proportions. I haven't even seen the film yet, but as
soon as I saw promotional stills for the film - featuring Dermot's apocolyptically
asymmetrical mullet, fake receding hair-line (done with spine-chilling
accuracy) and perfectly and horribly uneven Scottish mustache-thingie -
I got more excited about a movie than when I was eight years old and first
saw the trailer for "Star Wars". I'm so psyched to see "About Schmidt"
to see Dermot's hair that I couldn't give two silver shits about the rest
of the film.
Thanks to everyone who sent in pics.
8: Furie4Jesus.com
One of the weirdest, most indescribable
web sites I've ever seen. It's so inexplicably strange it's almost BORING.
9: This flyer
I found on the subway 5 years ago
I found
this flyer in the subway about five years ago. Here is the front,
and here is the back.
I remember when I found it they were laying all over the seats of the whole
car. It's been up on my wall
for years... but I thought I would take it down and share it with you.
I love shit like this.
10: The film
"Copycat"
(1995, director: Jon Amiel)
I'm addicted to this film.
Sigourney Weaver plays psychologist and author Dr. Helen Hudson, "the world's
expert on serial killers". While giving a lecture on said killers at a
local university, she thinks she sees the grinning face of Daryll Lee Cullem
(a supposedly-in-prison serial killer who's in prison because Dr. Hudson's
expert testimony at his trial help put him there) in the crowd silently
taunting her. She blinks... and he's gone... and she chalks it up to a
fear-based hallucination. After the lecture her bodyguards escort her for
a trip to the ladies room... when the guards make sure the coast is clear...
Dr. Hudson is left alone. Perhaps she should have trusted that fear-based
hallucination after all. What commences in that bathroom leaves one bodyguard
dead and makes Helen the near-victim of the unspeakable fate of the victims
of serial killers that she has spent her entire career researching and
theorizing on.
Daryll Lee Cullem ends up back in prison... and Dr. Hudson ends up so emotionally
scarred from the experience that she turns into a "pill-popping, juice
head, agoraphobic asshole" (as Holly Hunter chirp-ily refers to her in
the film after meeting her for the first time). Dr. Hudson is now a sever
agoraphobic... whiling away her hours in a fantastically huge and mind-blowing-ly
amazing apartment in San Francisco with a gay roommate Andy... connected
to the internet and cable... popping pill after pill and downing drink
after drink... useless to the world and herself - so scared of the outside
world that she has to reach out the front door with a broom handle to get
the morning paper.
When a new serial killer starts off-ing women in San Francisco, Dr. Hudson
begins calling drunken tips to the local police to try and help them solve
the case. She calls anonymously so many times in fact that the cops trace
the call. When they find out it's the world-renowned serial killer expert
Dr. Hudson who's been leaving the weird tips... they pay her a visit and
ask her to help them catch the killer. The rocky relationship between the
brilliant but highly unstable Dr. Hudson and the two lead detectives (Holly
Hunter and Dermot Mulroney) results in some Sigourney having some of the
funniest lines since Bette Davis' drunken rampage in that famous party
scene in "All About Eve".
With Dr. Hudson's help they realize this new killer is copycat-ing murders
by famous serial killers like Ted Bundy, David Berkowitz , Bianchi and
Buono and Jeffrey Dhamer... down to the most obsessive details. He has
a VERY big plan... and that that plan now involves Dr. Hudson. They try
helplessly to guess the killer's moves... but he outsmarts them time after
time with surprise after surprise, elaborate kill after elaborate kill...
(he's obviously studied up on Dr. Hudson's books) leading up to what they
all know will be a grizzly conclusion.
I won't spoil the rest of the movie for you... but I will tell you that
the plot stays complex all the way through. Not only does the film feature
many of my favorite actors - Sigourney Weaver, Holly Hunter, Dermot Mulroney,
William McNamara, Harry Connick Jr. - and Diane
Amos (The black lady from the Pine Sol commercial) but all the performers
in the film do a bang-up job molding complex, 3-D believability around
their characters... you care about them all and hence what happens to them.
The film is also filled with all sorts of other odd sub-characters that
were obviously given a lot of thought to. The plot is filled with loop-holes,
of course, like any Hollywood film with money-making at it's root... but
remains enjoyably intricate and interesting... and often very inventive.
The direction, editing, sound, cinematography and sets (Dr. Hudson's apartment
is great) are superb. And some of Sigourney's lines are hi-LAR-ee-us.
The film also has a highly unique and queer, dark, sleek, technical look
- not in a TV "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" way... but in an unsettling
way... where smooth, dimly-lit hallways in modern campus buildings lead
to claustrophobic encounters - and quiet, hyper-modern public rest rooms
are backdrops used to tease your most unspeakable, nightmarish fears. And
the camera, characters and story often linger on weird choices of technology
- things like high-speed internet chess games, web browsers with video
tape back-ups, mini-vacuum cleaners used to vacuum up live ants, strange
automatic window blinds with remote controls, annoying jimmied car alarms,
strange hand-held motion detectors, out-dated video cameras with post-it
notes all over them, computer photo-editing programs used to make snuff
videos and sperm banks where smiling murderers work like bees.
The film also, by default, drops all kinds of interesting facts and information
about serial killers, as the Dr. Hudson character's expertise on the subject
spills all over the plot (including lots of theories about what makes serial
killers tick - a knowledge Dr. Hudson uses to try and turn the tables on
the killer at one point of capture, and which amazingly scrambles his mental
map - temporarily).
The only reason I'm putting this here is because I think you can judge
how good a film is by how many times you've watched it (yes I know that's
debatable). I, for some reason that I cannot remember, own a video copy
of this film... and have watched it probably 20 times... over and over...
more than I've watched "Fight Club" (but not as much as 'Rear Window' -
a film you could interestingly compare and contrast this one to). I've
literally come in from a night out and popped this tape in and fell asleep
while it's playing. So if you're looking for a very interesting Hollywood
thriller, that pays off with repeated viewings... check it out. You'll
enjoy it.
*SPOILERS*>>>> Jim liked this film a lot when I showed it to him, and thought
Sigourney's character was a riot. If you've seen it, you know the scene
where the three-sheets to the wind and whacked out on goof balls Dr. Hudson
gets her black dress out of her closet and lays it on the bed, then goes
and takes a shower, and when she stumbles back to the bed her RED dress
(it's the one she wore during the horrible bathroom attack! GASP!) is laying
on the bed in place of the black one? It's an eerie moment that she chalks
up to drunkenness (but later is proven wrong). Jim and I thought it would
have been funny if her gay roommate Andy suddenly walked out of the shadows
wearing the black dress and was like "Hi honey I wanted to borrow this
black dress tonight to go to the fag bar so I just took it and laid out
your red one instead because I didn't want to bother you in the shower.
Do you mind?" ALSO: Do you know Jim had a friend that worked on a film
with Sigourney Weaver and even though he liked Sigourney a lot and said
she was great he had a lot of time on his hands and too much time to think
and so he started calling everyone in the cast the sickest name he could
think of (in his head - I think) and his name for Sigourney Weaver was
"Sick Horny Beaver"? It's true!
Mark
Allen's Top Ten for 12/23/02
1: Stealing Baby
Jesus from nativity scenes becoming so commonplace that it might be a good
idea to work it into even the most conservative of holiday family acceptance
and make it a holiday tradition that is eventually co-opted by commerce
and consumerism and makes America stronger
Let's face reality. These stories we hear every single year about
some kids stealing the Baby Jesus statue from some local church or mall's
nativity scene and how horrified and outraged the locals are are starting
to loose their composure and how it's a reflection of "the world we live
in today" and how "sad" it is that such "evil" people would do this and
they just "can't understand how someone could be so mean" and how they
"hope no kids see it" (the ones who did it in the first place) so their
"Christmas spirit isn't crushed". It's because they happen so much that
the local's interviewed on the news stories about the inevitably vandalized
nativity scenes in every single town in America are starting to seem a
little robotic in their concern. The story usually starts out or ends with
the commentator saying; "These thieves have stolen Jesus - but not this
community's holiday spirit." It has become a story so predictable every
year on every local news channel that I think even it's starting to become
filler for the networks. During Christmas news time the local news programming
guys are all:
Mr. News Programming Guy: "Okay run the woman stabbed in her apartment... then the President scandal... then the possible MTA strike... okay then... hmmmm... how about the Kwanza thing... um... we have some room to fill... and filler stories we can run? How about some stories about vandals stealing a baby Jesus from a church's local nativity scene. How many of THOSE storiesdo we have this this week Mr. News Programming Guy's Assistant?"
News Programming Guy's Assistant: "347... oh wait no, another one just came in... 8... 348!"
Mr. News Programming Guy: "Well pick one at random and run it! If there's time."
Hey I have an idea! Make it a tradition! Like trick-or-treating on Halloween
or watching football on Thanksgiving! Let's face it - Christianity can
use all the help it can get as far as it's popularity with today's youth
goes. Why not turn it into a wacky game of hide-and-seek the savior? Companies
could market all kinds of sell-able products... like "Christmas Steal The
Baby Jesus Nativity" kits for your lawn. Neighbors and friends could buy
the kits and steal each other's as a holiday tradition - like exchanging
gifts. Instead of cards people could exchange Christmas Baby Jesus ransom
notes.. It could be fun! Companies would make money... kids would feel
all "bad" and cool... parents would have something to do that is different...
and everyone would be learning more and more about JESUS!
Why not make it an official tradition?
I mean... Americans... in a lot of ways, are such pansy wimps when it comes
to fighting for their God. Muslim kids are practicing blowing up people
for their God... and Christmas? Forget about it... they don't have the
time! They're too busy plotting to make video of assassinated American
journalists to help bring down Christmas-Baby-Jesus-nativity-scene-loving-cuddling-America.
No wonder Muslims are on a firm track to obliterating us. Muslim youth's
LOVE religion. They're all "Where does this wire go on the bomb?" while
they haven't even slept for days and don't even complain - while our kids
are like "I wanna play Nintendo Game Cube and then take ecstasy!" while
they drive around in air-conditioned Lexus's.
This is a way to get kids of today "excited" about Christianity - lets
face it, that's what the Bush administration wants! And it will turn Christmas
into a war zone (for training) where kids FIGHT FOR GOD. Let's make America
PROUD again!
Steal a Christmas nativity scene from your town today and show and help
kick Bin Ladin's ass!!!
2: Matt Bell's
new bleach job
It looks totally great. You can read about Matt here
(#24). Here is
Matt as a brunette. So adorable. So, so, so adorable. I hope Jim doesn't
read this.
3: Various solo
guitar work CDs by Thurston Moore and friends
Lots of people tell me that Thurston Moore's solo work is trite - or that
there are other artist doing much more interesting work. I don't care.
These are some of my favorite recordings of all time and they are so great
because they sound like nothing else and you hear something different every
time you listen to them. It's like that cliché from your childhood
where you were like "Wow what would it be like if you took LSD and walked
into a modern art museum and all the abstract paintings like Klee and Mondrian
and stuff... you could HEAR them instead of SEE them!?!? Ooooohhhhh!" -
these recordings are that. Totally abstract - guitars are treated like
drums and drums are played with Road Runner hand puppets instead of sticks.
Bang. Clang. RaoOOOhhHWeeeWeee-et-et-et! Chime, chime, chime... gwah gwAH
GWah! SSSsssssssnnnnnnnnnnn... everything is improv and most pieces hit
the near-one-hour mark. Sounds range from spine-chilling beauty to teeth-shattering
smash. I recommend "Piece For Jetson Dolma" as a starting place.
"Piece
for Jetson Dolma" - Thurston Moore, Tom Surgal and William Winant
"Pillow Wand" - Thurston Moore and Nels Cline
"Lost
to the City/Noise to Nowhere" - Thurston Moore, Tom Surgal and William
Winant
"Klangfarbenmelodie,
and the Colorist Strikes Primitive" - Thurston Moore and Tom Surgal
"In-Store,
Metasweet" - Thurston Moore and Nels Cline
Check some of these out and soon all the noise and chatter of living in
NYC will start to sound like it's following some kind of order to you.
4: Huge, wild,
brightly-colored, inflatable, inhabitable architecture/sculpture
Check it out here.
These guys live in Europe and make these brightly colored inhabitable sculptures
that inflate... why? Because it's so great. Walking into these things probably
makes people want to quit their jobs and move out into the middle of a
field and live in a house they build themselves out of aluminum cans -
all with oval rooms and stuff... and grow vegetables in a garden... and
spend their whole day creating ambient music.
If these things had been around Europe in the late 70's you just KNOW Dario
Argento would have filmed one of those brightly colored horror scenes from
"Suspiria" where that girl keeps running around getting stabbed in the
heart by that witch and the pounding music is all "Wwwhhhheeeeooooo - wwwoooouuuu
- hhhhowowowowoweeeee - aaahhhhoooohhheeeee!!!" It would have made
sense.
5: These two articles
in old Vice magazines that I read recently
Vice magazine's "Guide
to Gold Digging" (by Celeste Arnold) and their article "Creative
Publicity" (by Bruce Benderson - who has quite a
career going on). Both the facts in these short but meaty articles
scream louder than those pre-recorded celebrity "Buckle your seat belt"
ads that blare out of broken speakers inside taxis when you get in them
at 8AM hung over and your head pounding and your ears bleed.
6: Guillaum's
chewing-gum-mint-colored Diesel sneakers he left behind after he moved
out
He left a few things here to pick up when he returns in January (to live
somewhere else) and these two identical Muppets for your feet were one
of the items. When he first bought them he walked in with them and asked
what I thought and I was all lying through a sick smile like "Yeeeeeaaaa...
real unusual! You can wear them with green!" and I think he wore them like
once. Now they're here... they're my size. I can't stop secretly wearing
them - with green pants and my green coat. There's something about wearing
all one bright color that makes you feel like some fantastical pederast
child murderer with an amazing castle of torture and mad experiments way
up on a hill somewhere - like that Child Catcher character played
by Robert Helpmann in the original "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" movie who
drove that fake Free Candy!" truck around the village that was really a
trap with a cage inside... and he was all riding around going "I smeeeellll
children!" That's how I feel when I wear all one color. Like that guy.
7: My Sims dream
home
I'm not even past the starting point in my Sims computer game (I'm still
living through Bob and Betty Newbie). I play the game on again and off
again - but always keep Bob and Betty around. I had them slave away like
dogs to earn enough dough to build this dream house. Now they live in it
and can swim indoors and watch a giant TV and sit on modern furniture in
the olive green carpeted library or go sleep in their minimal bedroom or
go outside and look at trees and be all "Ooooohhhhmmmm...". There are no
walls in the place (except minimal/broken-up ones separating the bedroom
and bathroom) and the walls in the house are made totally of glass so it's
like they are outside while they are inside (here
is what it looks like with the walls up). Even the bathroom! And the stairs
lead up to a flat, concrete roof with no furniture that they can just sit
up on and watch the sun set.
I guess this is my dream home. I built it without even thinking.... from
scratch. I have other people with weird lives in the neighborhood. Ms.
Goth lost her husband in an oven fire and now his ghost walks around her
house all "Whoooo-oooohhhoooohhh! You kiiilllleeeed meeeee!! Ooooohhhh!"
and Jim and I wanted to see how far we could push a character by not letting
them sleep or eat and making them go to the bathroom on the floor - this
resulted in the Goth daughter getting shipped off to military school and
out of the game. So Ms. Goth is all post-nervous breakdown and is kind
of weird and just paints in her attic and for some reason works for the
mob (?). But she likes to visit Bob and Betty in my dream home and swim
in their pool and drink from their bar. She gets along with Bob and Betty
well. I also have the Pleasant family - total dud nerds but I'm gonna see
how far I can push them.
All this from what is now an out-dated version of the game.
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Mark
Allen's Top Ten for 12/16/02
1: The Walter
Keane doll that that is trying to kill me or drive me crazy
Help.
There comes a point when you realize that some of your out-of-control friends
really need help, whether it be drugs or alcohol or domestic abuse. Then
there also comes a point where you realize that the inanimate objects
in
your life really need help. Especially if they are plotting to kill you
behind your friends' backs and being very, very clever about it.
Last
week, Jim was paying a visit to his friend Paul (aka: DJ Snax), and since
Paul was about to move to Berlin, he was getting rid of some stuff... and
one of the things he gave away was this old Walter Keane-styled doll that
Jim had always loved. You know... the big eyes and a tear and everything.
Apparently this thing has quite a history with Jim's old clan. I guess
that history must have involved Ouija boards and trips to the Amazon jungle
and mysterious disappearances because now the doll is trying to either
kill me or drive me insane or convince everyone around me that I
am insane by playing clever tricks on me to where it looks like I am joking
that this doll is trying to kill me when actually it is trying to
kill me. It only moves when no one else is looking. It's very sinister
and smart. LOOK WHAT I FOUND IT DOING TO MY MORNING COFFEE (ABOVE)!!! This
is not a trick photo!!! Someone please believe me!!! Of course Guillaume
things I just posed the doll like this and snapped a picture... like that
famous fake Loch Ness monster one.
Meanwhile while I look like Mrs. Kravitz from "Bewitched" and no one believes
me... this stupid doll has been getting into all,
kinds,
of, horrible,
weird,
creepy,
scary,
copyright-infringing,
trouble.
And I know the whole Karen Black in "Trilogy of Terror" thing with the
killer voodoo doll has been played out... and you know what? The doll is
using THAT to it's advantage! All my friends are like "...a doll trying
to kill you? You mean like 'Trilogy of Terror'? Oh that's so ten years
ago... oh and it's a Walter Keane doll? Mmmmhmmm... oh that's REAL cool!"
The doll KNOWS how to work my trendy friends and their fad-fried art-school
minds!!! IT KNOWS!!! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!! I AM UP AGAINST AN EMEMY
I CANNOT OUTSMART!!!
Oh God... what's that clinking sound? I think I hear something very small
and big-eyed fiddling with the pilot light in the oven.... she got into
my tools again!!! Gotta go...
2: The NEW WILLIAMSBURG
BRIDGE PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY is officially open!!! >>>>>>>>>> scroll right
to see full panorama (taken from Manhattan side) >>>>>>>>>>
Just in time for the possible transit worker's strike - the new Williamsburg
Bridge pedestrian walkway is now open for Hasidic Jewish families
and roaming bands of purse-snatching thugs alike. My pathological obsession
about this project, as documented before in my "Top Ten" has finally been
satiated. It's as wide as three full cartwheels AND there are NO STAIRS
all the way from the Manhattan side to the other end in Brooklyn...easy
sailing all the way. It's also bright red and very high-tech looking...
kind of like an i-Mac. And the views of New York? Right off of a cheesy
postcard those chinks sell in Times Square. As I wrote here on 9/2/02:
They have been working on this walkway... no the whole BRIDGE, for like
1,000,000,002 years now. It was starting to get pretty dreary and endless.
But about 6 months ago a glimmer of *wow* - a long, bright red cage appeared
out of nowhere at both far ends of the bridge. It kept... growing. What
is it you say Mr. Crane Operator (back in April)? A fantastic walkway you
say? So high up? so brightly colored? It's a fantastic, Jacques Tati-esque,
almost futuristic-looking walkway in blazing bright red - and which puts
walkers, bike riders and joggers (me) about 70 feet higher than any of
the cars or anything (and with a fantastic view) inside a super-wide, cage
like thing with no roof... and I learned today that it splits into two
parts while in the center part of the bridge. It's getting closer and closer
and closer to getting completed. The view from every inch of this thing
must be inspirational to say the least... and any trip across it must be...
transcendent. A bit cold in the winter? WHO CARES! This is New York City!
Even the people in wheelchairs will have the wind whipping through their
hair and a beaming smile on their faces! Ohhhhh I can't wait! I want to
cut the ribbon!!! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open!
OPEN!!!!!!!!!! OPEN!!!!
Well it's open now. And the walk across it? Beautiful, inspirational...
it's as transcendent as knocking out your most hated enemy's teeth!
3: The mysterious
resilience of the homeless shack on stilts under the Williamsburg Bridge
in my neighborhood
Okay before I tell you about the shack... I should tell you that the work
being done on the Williamsburg Bridge (about a ten year job) has left in
it's wake a literal junkyard (especially under it). The area stretching
from where the bridge begins to where the water starts (on both the Manhattan
and Brooklyn sides) has been a constipated heap of work equipment, cinderblocks,
construction company trailers, chain link fences, giant tractors and other
flotsam and jetsam of building work. All this clutter has been an eyesore
for so long you forgot it was even there. Then - recently - everything
under the bridge suddenly vanished. Now this endless stretch of junk served
many purposes. One of which is that it has been a small haven for the homeless...
who set up a kind of "Mortville" (see: John Water's film Desperate Living)
under various parts of the bridge.
One of the little shanty town shacks appeared about four years ago (above).
It is an RV unit that was precariously propped up on top of a bunch of
rocks and cinder blocks and poles, and was leaning against the outer wall
of one of the construction crew trailers that was right up against a chain
link fence. That was until *whoooosh!* they cleared everything out from
under the bridge in one giant swoop - you can see for miles now! The construction
stuff and junk AND homeless stuff was all carted away... everyone found
a new place to go...
But this ONE little tower shack thingie is STILL standing. And it's BEEN
standing for months now - even though everything else "homeless" has been
cleared away.
It has a crappy pad lock on the door. To get into it, the homeless people
have to literally climb up into it. They have wires running into it they
probably stole from a lamp post from somewhere on the bridge for power
(I can see a TV running inside it sometimes). I was always fascinated with
it. I mean... what do they have in there? A bar (the homeless that hang
out on my corner by the liquor store drink a lot)? A sauna? A spa? A tennis
court? A Betty Ford clinic? WHO DO THEY FUCKING KNOW THAT THEY CAN SET
UP THE WORLDS MOST OBVIOUS SQUAT AND GET AWAY WITH IT RIGHT NEXT TO A POLICE
STATION!? The whole precarious structure is RIGHT NEXT to a police station.
Whoever is occupying the inside... they are a genius... especially with
rents the way they are in my neighborhood.
Did you ever see that movie "The Big Bus"? I imagine the inside like that.
My imagination runs wild as I imagine it as some sort of heaven from the
rough and tumble world of hanging out on the cold streets, collecting cans,
scamming cheap liquor and begging for change. There used to be one guy
in particular who seemed to use it every night. He always was in a wheelchair...
you know the kind used just for show... and I would always see the wheelchair
parked outside the RV unit's high door at night when he was in there asleep.
Now a lot of the homeless guys and gals on my block use it at night. There's
one tooth-less lady who sits in a lawn chair outside the liquor store and
she always has different ratty wigs on every day. I've seen her go in and
out of the shack... I bet she stores her wigs in there! It's like a fucking
tramp MALL!!!
And all the other shacks and structures around it got swept up with the
construction cleaning crew. So what gives? Who do these homeless people
know to get such grand treatment? Now that everything around it is gone
it's just standing there like a tower of... something. What gives?
I wanna move in! I'll keep you posted.
mouth model: Jim
4: Suburban Gumbo
I originally thought this dish was called "Southern Gumbo" - a dish who's
very simple yet amazing recipe has been passed down for ages from generations
of Texans, Louisianians and Alabamians... although when I told a client
about it he quickly said "Sounds like Suburban Gumbo to me". Turns
out any secrets that were passed down from generation to generation must
have been handed down from the express check out lane of the local Piggly
Wiggly. Well whatever it is, it's really, really, really good. My mom used
to make this all the time (when she was too busy to cook a full dinner)
as a quickie meal when I was growing up, it was always hearty and totally
delicious and I highly recommend it. It will last in the refrigerator for
a long time - and it's great for the winter. Here's the recipe:
Ingredients:
- as much ground beef as you want
- about 8 or 10 small red potatoes
- two garlic cloves
- one tablespoon of olive oil
- one can of Italian style cooked tomatoes, or regular stewed canned cooked
tomatoes (do NOT use fresh tomatoes - trust me)
- one packages of frozen okra (or fresh if you want)
- one can of kidney beans
- one can of black eyed peas
- one package of frozen collared greens (or fresh if you want)
- one package of frozen corn (or fresh if you want)
- one package of frozen succotash (that's peas, lima beans, corn and carrots
mixed together - in most regions of the southern US)
- various spices like salt, pepper, bay leaf, oregano, onion powder, and
whatever ... anything else you want or like
- cornbread (to serve with it) ... made from a mix in muffin tins or a
pan, however you prefer - with butter
To prepare:
Cook the ground beef first in a pan and spice it if you like. Make sure
it's all the way done.
Wash the potatoes and slice them into large chunks. Boil them until they
are done and drain them.
Peel the cloves of garlic and slice or crush them if you like.
Defrost the frozen ingredients slightly in the microwave.
Then get a VERY, VERY LARGE pot and throw the cooked beef (along with the
grease - as much as you think your arteries can handle) and all the other
ingredients in the pot. Include the juices that come in the cans with the
ingredients. It's hard to get the frozen ingredients to melt at first (see
photo) so like I said you may want to thaw them in the microwave beforehand.
But basically you are now just cooking everything down. You should bring
it to a full boil and then turn it down to simmer right away. Be sure and
stir it occasionally while simmering - when cooking a very large stew there
is a chance that the ingredients on the bottom can burn if it just sits
on the heat too long without moving around - and that will affect the taste.
Put whatever spices in it you like - and you WILL need to spice it otherwise
it will taste REALLY bland (hey why do you think it's called 'suburban'
gumbo?). BUT: be sure and taste it as you go along so you don't overdo
it and ruin it. If you just start pouring spices in it without tasting
it you can over-do it and it will taste awful. It's done when it tastes
right... however, this is one of those recipes that tastes MUCH, MUCH better
the next day. Something about all those things sitting in the pot together
in the refrigerator overnight. So you may even want to make it the day
before. It will last for days.
Cook the cornbread separately and serve it piping hot with butter.
I recommend eating this gumbo with cornbread. When Jim and I made it this
week we made it with garlic bread and it was good, but there was something
missing. Hot, buttered cornbread seems to compliment it perfectly.
5. Dr. Rihab
Taha, aka: "Dr. Death", "Dr. Germ"
According to a
recent NY Daily News article, Dr. Rihab Taha (pictured
above, far right), who is Saddam Hussein's biological weapons chief, is
"...a middle-aged mom, a cultured woman with a British accent and doctorate
who married well, to a general" who is "...widely described as shy and
unassuming," and has "spent most of the last two decades spinning a web
of horrors: bugs that make eyes bleed, bacteria that peels skin off the
body, viruses that cause fever and pox and lingering, agonizing death."
Described as "brilliant", this woman is called by some "The most dangerous
woman alive." Besides being a genius - she also has a penchant for
big, dramatic scenes. Back in 1991, when she told UN inspectors that only
a tiny number of biological weapons had been produced in Iraq during the
Gulf War, and that all had been destroyed... they didn't believe her and
pressured her for more information. She then "...frequently turned
to theatrics, bursting into tears, and storming out of rooms," inspectors
reported. Similarly stormy meetings involving her have been reported at
UNSCOM meetings in New York. Yow.
6: The anti-McDonald's
protest flyer(s) I picked up in the Catskill Mountains while visiting Jim
I found these flyers at a vegan restaurant in the Catskills that Jim and
I ate a lot at (the place sometimes mysteriously smelled like farts). Here
is the flyer about the protest. Here
is the flyer that went along with it explaining the groups reasons for
protesting. I just kind of like the look of the flyers more than anything
else - they have a simple and effective design. I suppose my youthful days
of intense AIDS activism and protesting in the streets and getting arrested
a zillion times and having a terrorist record in Virginia in the mid-90's
(for having a smoke bomb in my bag while arrested outside some drug company
protest) has left me... somewhat... shallow ...to the causes of the world.
I look back on my days of Queer Nation-ism and ACT UP-ism as about 5% just
and about 95% bullshit. Call it wisdom from experience. So I tend to look
at public protests as a kind of backdrop where more interesting things
might happen... kind of like Michelangelo Antonioni in his 1966 film Blowup!
Jim absolutely refuses to eat at McDonalds... not for any political reasons...
but because he has recently read Eric Schlosser's sensationalistic new
book "Fast
Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal" - a book that
has left many friends of mine trembling in traumatic fear at the mere thought
of an American fast food joint's name. Now THAT'S effective activism!
7: The Dolcett
Archives
I particularly
like placing this entry directly below the above one because it's the perfect
compliment. Dolcett is an elusive cartoonist (when you see his work you
will know why) who creates delightful comic strips that center around asphyxiation,
execution by gunfire, electrocution, decapitation, and other "exotic" tortures
- all of willing women by men. But his particular specialty seems to be
cartoons with plots centering around "gynophagia" (the act of eating the
flesh of women) - especially after being impaled on a long spit and roasted
on an open fire. Sound absolutely horrific and the product of a psychopathic
mind? Yes... maybe. But wait until you see the comics. The comics inside
The
Dolcett Archives are like a cross between Jonathan Swift's "A Modest
Proposal" and Bazooka Bubble Gum Comics.
Dolcett's obvious sense of humor, even surrounding the most unspeakable
subjects ...and his craft (although slightly cruder - you could easily
compare his work to the brilliant Tom Of Finland) is obvious once you get
past your own mental block of what you think you are seeing and what it
means. You've gotta see these cartoons to believe them... they really are
mind bending. Now watch out... these are pretty disturbing... maybe. If
you don't have a very strong stomach I'd skip it. The subject matter should
be nauseating and gut wretching. But what's so weird is that they are all
70's style paneled comic strips... which makes them less disturbing...
almost whimsical. It's hard to put into words why I think these comics
are so interesting, and I'm slightly hesitant to tell people that I do.
I think truly great art works are ones that make you think in ways you
never have before. These cartoons make me think that.
Now... if you'll excuse me, the phone rang... it appears that my number
just came up so I guess I'd better call my loved ones and say good-bye
and then I've gotta report down to Hill's Fine Meat Market... gosh I wish
cannibalism hadn't been legalized 20 years ago, *sigh* ...oh well... *ulp!*
8: ELIZABETH
(LIZ, LISA) BRADY CABOT WINSLOW - A PRODIGY IN MANY FIELDS!
This woman has led the most fantastic, romantic and excitingly dangerously
glamorous life I have EVER hear told. I Why sum it up here when "Liz" does
such a good job of
explaining
it herself! This woman has had such a mind-blowingly exciting and intrigue-filled
life because she does not make excuses and does not miss chances in life...
and as we all know: "If 'if's' and 'but's' were clusters of nuts, we'd
all have a bowl of granola!"
note: according to Liz/Lisa, she has now taken her site off
the web due to "...THE TERRIBLE AND DANGEROUS BEHAVIOR AND REACTION OF
THE PUBLIC". So here is a mirror
site.
9: Brian Eno's
early ambient recordings
"Ambient #1: Music For Airports" by Brian Eno
"Ambient #2: The Plateaux of Mirror" by Brian Eno and Harold Budd
"Ambient #3: Day of Radiance" by Laraaji and Brian Eno
"Ambient #4: On Land" by Brian Eno
"Fourth World Volume 1: Possible Musics" by Jon Hassell and Brian Eno
"Discreet Music" by Brian Eno
"Thursday Afternoon" by Brian Eno
These seven are some of the most amazing recordings ever made. If you've
never heard them, I highly recommend them. Why are they so special? I can't
really put it into words. They make my world better. They are pretty.
10: Jim and mine's
walk through a freshly snow-covered, crystaline, whispering Central Park
at dusk on Friday
There's a line in the Edward Norton film "Keeping
the Faith" spoken by said actor's character as he strolls through Central
Park with an ex girfriend... it goes something like "It's times like this
that make you realize that people who don't live in New York City are ...in
a sense... kidding." Yow - what a snob line. Nevertheless you can't ignore
that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that it's sometimes true.
After a long and bee-you-ti-ful and often hi-LAR-ee-ous
stroll through the whisper-quiet and great Metropolitan Museum of Art...
Jim and I had timed it perfectly where we hit the park (which had been
covered the night before in several inches of snow and ice) right at dusk...
as all the lights were slowly coming on. It was pretty fantastic I must
say, like walking around on Pluto. Frozen ponds (see behind us), black
spindly trees against blinding white, white, white, lights coming on like
fireflies making glowing yellow rings on the ground, a weird thing going
on with your ears - like muffled sound. The only thing I think I could
compare it to - in it's general heart-warming beautiful eeriness... is
a stroll through the park at night.
After walking all the way - in awe - to the southwest
corner... we ended the stroll at a Japanese noodle house and ate with chop
sticks from huge, gleaming, piping hot bowls of noodle soup with giant
chunks of seafood in it - the steam from the huge bowl causing the snot
to run out of our noses and down our smiling faces.
Mark
Allen's Top Ten for 12/9/02
Special
NYC Transit Workers Strike Threat 2002 Edition!
In light of the
threat of a massive transit workers strike here in New York City (which
may go into effect by the end of this week if things can't get ironed out
between the workers, unions and City Hall) which will mean the shutting
down of all public transportation (hey, it happened in 1980). This week
I am offering my "Top Ten Contingency Plan Alternate Modes of Transportation
Around New York City":
