for July 28th, 2003
Copyright 2003 Mark Allen
1. Phone message
from Jim
How could you not fall in love with a guy who looks like this...
and leaves you phone messages like this
one? (mp3 - requires Quicktime) How could you possibly not?
I mean... HOW!?!? Really... I seriously wanna know!!!
2. Part II of
my Wallace Langham daydream THE CONTINUATION!!! (not
conclusion)
NOTICE: to save all confusion... I have given the entire thing it's own page, where it flows in chronological order... and will continue to: That new "My Wallace Langham Daydream" page is located here. If you want part 2 (written this week - below) and then part 1 (written last week - even further below) then feel free to be confused. I am.
NOTE: see last week's entry, below,
for part one
A reminder,
characters, locations, settings (NOTE:
some new characters and settings have been added since last week):
CHARACTERS:
MARK - early
30's, gay, recently moved away from New York City to Texas after somehow
having a sudden, smashing career as a writer and coming into lots of money
somehow. Has one son with no name who serves as no more than a "prop" in
the fantasy. Lives in a suburban house with his kid. Job: yes, with huge
income from writing glory bestseller past, still works - but specifics
unknown, although may be a nightwatchman/janitor in a very large,
immense, brightly-lit Jaques Tati-esque modern lobby of a huge office building
where he wears a uniform and guard hat that are both too big for
him and is always alone and spends all his time sitting in front of a desk
with lots of little tv screens and a mop and bucket he uses to clean the
floor with and spends time looking out the immense glass windows out into
the night parking lot and road outside... often pensively.
WALLACE -
early 30's, straight, recently divorced single dad with two kids with no
names who simply serve as props in the fantasy and have no names. Lives
in a suburban house in Plano with his two kids. Job: yes, but specifics
unknown, but may be something really cool and scientific like with
test tubes and a lab with really big electrical machinery and lasers and
stuff and Wallace wearing a sexy lab coat and goggles.
OLD SECURITY
GUARD JANITOR - Works at Mark's place of work. About 80 years old and
comically crotchety.
NEW: WALLACE'S
LAB ASSISTANT - a young and sexy Asian woman. always wears lab coat
and glasses. Is very sexy.
LOCATION: Plano, Texas, sometime in the early 21st century.
SETTINGS:
Setting 1:
Unspecified McDonald's restaurant with a front counter and food and employees,
but no tables or chairs. Inside of McDonald's consists only of overhead
fluorescent lighting and kiddie land playground that consists only of a
"ball cage/room" thing with a boxing ring-style rubber rope around it.
When children are "placed" in the kiddie ball room thing they disappear
and stop becoming relevant to the scene - yet can still be referred to
to by the characters.
Setting 2:
Wallace house. Large suburban home with a front porch swarming with plants
and mood lighting. Indoor contains many rooms, mainly a large living room
with an immense beige couch and candles and moody lighting. Also a view
through big glass windows out onto the lit pool outside. There is an upstairs
that mainly exists for children characters to "disappear" into.
Setting 3:
Mark house. Large suburban home with a front porch swarming with plants
and mood lighting. Indoor contains many rooms, mainly a large living room
with an immense beige couch and candles and moody lighting. Also a view
through big glass windows out onto the lit pool outside. There is an upstairs
that mainly exists for children characters to "disappear" into. May contain
an area with as computer and table and bunch of writing stuff.
Setting 4:
Wallace's place of work. Really cool science laboratory with test tubes
and a lab with really big electrical machinery and lasers and stuff and
Wallace wearing a sexy lab coat and goggles.
Setting 5:
Mark's place of work. A very large, immense, brightly-lit Jaques Tati-esque
modern lobby of a huge office building where he wears a uniform and guard
hat that are both too big for him and is always alone and spends all his
time sitting in front of a desk with lots of little tv screens and a mop
and bucket he uses to clean the floor with and spends time looking out
the immense glass windows out into the night parking lot and road outside.
Setting 6:
Winding Texas road that never has any other cars on it. It is always nighttime
on the road. Huge, dramatic rainstorms can occur on the road on cue. Next
to the road on both sides is thick woods.
NEW: Setting
7: Unknown mountain landscape with gently rolling green valley... possibly
Adirondacks. Location of outdoor carnival with eventful "Pie Eating Contest"
(flashback sequence)
*********************************************************
*DAY TEN*
(continued)
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark,
Wallace
setting: 2 (Wallace
house), 6 (winding Texas road)
time of day: evening
(dark)
soundtrack: (very
end of scene) Nico's "Lawns Of Dawns"
SOUNDTRACK: Nico's "Lawns Of Dawns" (plays in background and gets louder and louder as scene progresses)
MARK IS RUNNING IN
THE DIRECTION OF WALLACE... YELLING HIS NAME. THE RAIN IS POURING DOWN
ALL OVER EVERYTHING AND THE LIGHTENING AND THUNDER IS FLASHING AND BOOMING.
CUT TO: MARK
RUNNING THROUGH THICK FOREST WITH RAIN POURING DOWN AND LIGHTNING AND THUNDER
FLASHING AND BOOMING... WIND IS HOWLING. MARK KEEPS STOPPING TO WIPE THE
RAIN OFF HIS FACE AND LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE IF HE CAN SEE WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE.
CUT TO:
WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE FROM MARKS PERSPECTIVE, IN THE DISTANCE... HOBBLING
THROUGH THE WOODS IN THE DIRECTION OF HOME.
CUT TO:
MARK... STILL RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS YELLING WALLACE'S NAME.
THE RAIN POURS DOWN
AND THE LIGHTNING AND THUNDER FLASH AND BOOM... THE WIND IS HOWLING...
(sound
fx)
CUT TO:
WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE FROM MARKS PERSPECTIVE, IN THE DISTANCE... HOBBLING
THROUGH THE WOODS IN THE DIRECTION OF HOME. GETTING FARTHER AND FARTHER
AWAY FROM MARK'S FIELD OF VISION.
CUT TO:
MARK... STILL RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS YELLING WALLACE'S NAME. MORE LOUDLY.
CUT TO:
WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE FROM MARKS PERSPECTIVE, ALMOST FAR ENOUGH AWAY TO
DISAPPEAR.
CUT TO:
MARK... STILL RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS YELLING WALLACE'S NAME. HE CANNOT
SEE WALLACE.
CUT TO:
MARK'S EYES... HE SEES LIGHTS IN THE DISTANCE (IT IS WALLACE'S HOME).
CUT TO:
MARK... STILL RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS... TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
SUDDENLY THE RAIN AND LIGHTENING AND THUNDER STOPS.
SOUNDTRACK: song fades out...
CUT TO: EXTERIOR SHOT OF WALLACE'S HOME. PORCH LIGHTS ARE ON. WATER IS DRIPPING OFF EVERYTHING POST-HEAVY RAIN. WE SEE WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE, DRIPPING WET... RUN FROM THE WOODS TO THE LEFT... STRAIGHT ACROSS HIS YARD AND QUICKLY INTO HIS FRONT DOOR. HE ENTERS THE DOOR, SHUTS IT, LOCKS IT, AND TURNS OFF THE PORCH LIGHTS.
CUT TO: MARK...
STILL RUNNING THROUGH NOW-DRIPPING FOREST... APPROACHING WALLACE'S DARK
HOUSE (POINT-OF-VIEW CAMERA). WE HEAR THE SOUND OF OWL HOOTING AND CRICKETS...
SLOWLY GROWING LOUDER AS MARK GETS CLOSER TO THE OPENING IN THE TREES THAT
OPENS TO WALLACE'S FRONT YARD. (sound fx)
CUT TO: EXTERIOR
SHOT OF WALLACE'S HOUSE, DARK. SOUND OF CRICKETS AND OWLS. MARK REACHES
THE FRONT DOOR AND KNOCKS LOUDLY AND CALLS WALLACE'S NAME. NO ANSWER.
Mark: Wallace! Wallace! Are you okay!? Wallace!?
CUT TO: MARK
AT FRONT DOOR. CAMERA IS LOW... LOOKING UP AT MARK. MARK IS POUNDING ON
WALLACE'S DOOR AND RINGING THE DOORBELL. NO ANSWER. MARK LOOKS UPWARDS
TO THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW.
CUT TO:
POINT-OF-VIEW SHOT OF DARKENED UPSTAIRS WINDOW.
CUT TO: MARK
GIVES UP AND BACK SLOWLY AWAY FROM THE DARK HOUSE... LOOKING UPWARDS QUIZZICALLY.
MARK LOOKS FOR A WHILE UP AT THE DARK WINDOW. HIS FACE CHANGES TO SLIGHT
RESIGNATION.
CUT TO: ANOTHER
SHOT OF DARK WINDOW.
CUT TO: MARK
LOOKING UPWARDS. MARK LOOKS DOWN AND THEN TURNS AROUND AND WALKS BACK IN
THE DIRECTION OF HIS CAR. CAMERA PANS DOWN AND RIGHT TO A PUDDLE IN WALLACE'S
YARD. THROUGH THE PUDDLE WE SEE AN UPSIDE-DOWN REFLECTION OF THE UPSTAIRS
WINDOW. WE SEE A DARKENED FIGURE APPROACH THE WINDOW AND LOOK OUT INTO
THE YARD... WATCHING MARK WALK AWAY. WHICH FADES INTO...
fade out...
*DAY ELEVEN*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark,
Wallace, Old Man Security Guard, Wallace's Lab Assistant
setting: 5 (Mark's
place of work), 4 (Wallace's place of work), 7 (mountain valley used in
Wallace flashback scene to his childhood)
time of day: evening
(dark)
CUT TO: MARK'S
PLACE OF WORK. CAMERA IS POINTED DOWN AT BRIGHTLY LIT, OFF-WHITE LINOLEUM
FLOOR (CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT YOU SEE NOTHING ELSE). WE HEAR THE SOUND OF
A WET MOP AND WHEELS OF A MOP BUCKET. SUDDENLY SEE THE HANDLE OF A MOP
COME INTO FRAME. A WET MOP THEN PLOPS DOWN AND ENTERS FRAME LEFT AND SLOWLY
MAKES BACK AND FORTH MOTIONS ACROSS FLOOR (TO FRAME RIGHT) UNTIL IT COVERS
ENTIRE VIEW OF WHITE FLOOR WITH THICK, GLOSSY, REFLECTIVE MOP WATER. AS
IT DOES WE SEE THE UPSIDE DOWN REFLECTION OF MARK SITTING AT HIS DESK (REFLECTED
IN WET FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM) LOOKING FORLORNLY DOWN. THE UPSIDE-DOWN REFLECTION
OF HIS HEAD AND UPPER BODY MATCHES THE PLACEMENT OF THE UPSIDE-DOWN REFLECTION
OF THE DARKENED FIGURE IN WALLACE'S WINDOW FROM THE END OF THE PREVIOUS
SCENE PERFECTLY.
CUT TO: CAMERA
PULLED BACK TO REVEAL MARK AT SECURITY DESK IN SAME POSITION AS WE SAW
HIM IN THE REFLECTION. THE OLD SECURITY GUARD IS MOPPING THE FLOOR NEAR
THE FRONT OF THE DESK. THE SECURITY GUARD STOPS AND SAYS...
Old Security Guard:
Whatsamatter with you!?
Mark: (snaps
awake) Oh... nothing.
Old Security
Guard: Oh yea? How'd your date go?
Mark: Oh...
fine... I guess... I don't know (trails off...)
OLD MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND THEN LOOKS DOWN AND CONTINUES MOPPING
NOTE: SETTING CHANGE
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
PLACE OF WORK. WALLACE IS IN LAB COAT WITH CLIP BOARD... OBSERVING CHIMPANZEE
SUBMERGED INSIDE TANK OF WATER.
CUT TO: CLOSE
UP OF WALLACE'S FACE... HE'S LOOKING INTENTLY AT THE CHIMPANZEE INSIDE.
WE HEAR BUBBLING SOUNDS (sound fx)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
ASSISTANT... AN ASIAN WOMAN IN GLASSES AND A LAB COAT. SHE IS ON THE SIDE
OF THE LAB ROOM... APPROACHING WALLACE. SHE SAYS...
Wallace's Lab Assistant: Professor Wallace... the chimpanzees want more pie.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S PENSIVE FACE LOOKING AT CHIMPS IN TANK... HIS FACE OR EYES HAVE NOT MOVED FROM LAST SHOT. HIS EXPRESSION DOES NOT CHANGE AND HE KEEPS STARING FORWARD AND KIND OF ROBOTICALLY SAYS...
Wallace: Then give them more pie.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S ASSISTANT AGAIN.
Wallace's Lab Assistant: Yes Professor Wallace.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE AGAIN. HIS FACE HAS STILL NOT MOVED OR CHANGED EXPRESSION.
CUT TO: CHIMP'S
FACE INSIDE TANK. HE MAKES A LAUGHING CHIMP SOUND (GURGGLY) (sound fx)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE... CAMERA IS EVER SO SLOWLY MOVING IN ON HIS EYES.
CUT TO: CHIMPS
FACE AGAIN... STILL MOVING UP AND DOWN AND LAUGHING LOUDLY UNDERWATER.
CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON CHIMP'S VIOLENTLY MOVING FACE SLOWLY... SLOWLY...
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE AGAIN. CAMERA IS STILL CLOSING IN ON HIS EYES. CAMERA IS VERY CLOSE.
(edit in blur filter - wavy blurriness - to signify a memory Wallace is having)
CUT TO: SETTING
7. (NOTE: THIS IS A FLASHBACK IN WALLACE'S MEMORY - TO
WALLACE'S CHILDHOOD)
A GREEN, ROLLING
VALLEY WITH MOUNTAINS ALL AROUND. THERE IS A CROWDED CARNIVAL GOING ON.
CAMERA PANS SLOWLY ACROSS CROWD, BOOTHS, SOME SMALL RIDES, ETC. CAMERA
KEEPS PANNING RIGHT AND EVENTUALLY MOVES ACROSS BANNER WHICH READS "5TH
ANNUAL PIE EATING CONTEST" AND THEN A STAGE WITH A LONG TABLE ON IT FULL
OF BANANA CREME PIES AND TWO BOYS WITH BIBS ON SITTING IN FRONT OF THE
TABLE. THERE ARE CHAIRS ARRANGED ON THE GRASS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING
TO WATCH THE PIE EATING CONTEST.
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER
IN FRONT OF MICROPHONE AT THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. HE ANNOUNCES
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the 5th annual pie eating contest!" (crowd cheers)
CUT TO: SHOT
OF PIE EATING CONTEST TROPHY ON SHELF BEHIND ANNOUNCER.
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER
AGAIN...
Announcer: We are down to our last day of the contest... and are down to our final two contestants! On the left... we have... at eight years old and reigning champ four years in a row ...able to eat one hundred and fifty foot long hot dogs in one minute... Bo "Vacuum Cleaner" Bobber!!! (crowd goes wild)
CUT TO: BO
BOBBER WHO IS INCREDIBLY HANDSOME AND BUFF - EVEN FOR AN EIGHT YEAR OLD...
ALMOST LIKE A YOUNG TOM OF FINLAND CARTOON. BO STANDS UP AND WAVES HIS
HANDS TRIUMPHANTLY. THE CROWD GOES WILD. BO TAKES A GIANT SAUSAGE OUT OF
HIS POCKET, TURNS HIS HEAD TO THE SIDE AND LOOKS UPWARDS... AND THEN PLUNGES
THE SAUSAGE LONGWAYS DOWN HIS MOUTH AND "DEEP THROATS" IT OVER AND OVER...
SMILING AS THE THICK AND VERY LONG SAUSAGE SLIDES IN AND OUT AND IN AND
OUT OF HIS THROAT EFFORTLESSLY. BO LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE WITH HIS EYE AND
RAISES HIS EYEBROW UP AND DOWN AND SMILES AS HE KEEPS PUMPING THE PLUMP
SAUSAGE IN AND OUT OF HIS THROAT. HE FLEXES HIS FREE ARM.
CUT TO: SHOT
OF THE CHEERING CROWD. WE SEE HAND-MADE SIGNS THAT SAY "GO MO' BO!" AND
"WE LOVE YOUR VACUUM PUMP ACTION BO!" AND "SWALLOW THAT SAUSAGE OVER AND
OVER BO!"
CUT TO: SEVERAL
YOUNG GIRLS WHO ARE SCREAMING AND CRYING FOR BO. SOME OF THEM FAINT FROM
THE EXCITEMENT.
CUT TO: BACK
TO BO. HE EFFORTLESSLY PULLS THE SAUSAGE OUT OF HIS THROAT TO THE GASPS
AND CHEERS OF THE AUDIENCE. HE THEN TAKES THE END OF THE SAUSAGE AND DIPS
IT INTO ONE OF THE BANANA CREME PIES IN FRONT OF HIM. HE THEN TAKES THE
WHITE CREME COVERED TIP OF THE SAUSAGE AND PULLS IT UP CLOSE TO HIS MOUTH.
HE LOOKS TO HIS LEFT AND GIVES WHATEVER HE'S LOOKING AT A MEAN ACING LOOK.
CUT TO: CLOSE
UP OF BO'S FACE... HE IS STILL LOOKING TO HIS LEFT INTENTLY AND MENACINGLY
(AND SEXILY) AND CAMERA IS FACING HIM. HE TAKES A LICK AND SLURP OF THE
WHITE CREME OFF THE END OF THE SAUSAGE AND SLURPS THE REST OF THE CREME
OFF THE END OF THE SAUSAGE (sound fx)
CUT TO: EVEN
CLOSER UP ON BO'S THICK LIPS AS HE SLURPS AND SUCKS THE CREME OFF THE SAUSAGE
(sound
fx)
CUT TO: CLOSE
UP OF BO'S THROAT... HIS ADAM'S APPLE IN PARTICULAR. WE SEE HIS ADAM'S
APPLE MOVE AS HE SWALLOWS THE CREME. (sound fx)
CUT TO: BACK
TO BO'S FACE. HE REACHES HIS LIPS OVER THE END OF THE SAUSAGE AND TAKES
A HEARTY CHOMP OFF THE END. HE CHEWS THE SAUSAGE IN HIS MOUTH A WHILE...
STILL LOOKING MENACINGLY AT WHOEVER HE'S LOOKING AT. THE CROWD GOES NUTS.
HE THEN SPITS THE CHEWED MEAT OUT VERY FAR OUT IN FRONT OF HIM, CAMERA
PANS ALONG WITH THE FLYING, CHEWED MEAT AS IT FLY'S ACROSS THE STAGE AND
LANDS IN SOMEONE'S LAP. IT'S THE LAP OF THE OTHER PIE EATING CONTESTANT.
MEAT FLOPS INTO LAP. CAMERA PANS UP FROM THIS AND WE SEE THE FACE OF THE
OTHER CONTESTANT. IT IS A VERY YOUNG WALLACE LANGHAM (EIGHT YEARS OLD).
HE LOOKS VERY NERVOUS AND IS SWEATING AND HIS EYES ARE DARTING ALL AROUND
THE STAGE AND AUDIENCE NERVOUSLY. HE IS WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "FEED
ME". HIS LACK OF CONFIDENCE IS IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO BO'S OVER-CONFIDENCE.
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER.
ANNOUNCER YELLS INTO MICROPHONE...
Announcer: ...and in the other corner. A new contender in the eating race! Ladies and gentlemen... Wallace Langham!!! (crowd starts to 'boo')
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE. HE LOOKS NERVOUSLY AND JITTERY OUT TO THE CROWD... THEN BACK OVER
TO BO.
CUT TO: BO'S
FACE. HE IS STILL IN SAME POSITION AND IS CHEWING SOME OF THE MEAT LEFT
IN HIS MOUTH.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE... NERVOUSLY LOOKING AT BO.
CUT TO: BO'S
FACE... WHO PUTS TWO FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH... SUCKS ON THEM WITH HIS LIPS
AND PULLS THEM OUT WITH A "POP" SOUND. (sound fx) BO THEN TURNS AND
SITS BACK DOWN
CUT TO: WALLACE
LOOKING NERVOUS AND AMAZED AT BO BUT MOSTLY NERVOUS.
CUT TO: CLOSE
UP OF WALLACE'S CROTCH CHEWED MEAT IS STILL THERE) WE SEE THROUGH WALLACE'S
JEANS THAT HE HAS POPPED A BONER. WE HEAR A "BOING" SOUND. (sound fx)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE. LOOKING EVEN MORE NERVOUS. HE SEEMS TO BECOME MORE AWARE OF THE CROWD
AND STARTS TO KIND OF TRY TO SMILE AND GET UP TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR "BOO"-ING
AT LEAST. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CROTCH AND REALIZES HE HAS A HARD ON SO
HE CAN'T STAND UP. HE SITS BACK DOWN AWKWARDLY AS CROWD'S BOO'S BECOME
LOUDER. HE HALFHEARTEDLY WAVES.
CUT TO: CROWD
BOOING AND POINTING THEIR THUMBS DOWN FOR WALLACE.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
NERVOUS AND SWEATY FACE AGAIN SCANNING THE CROWD AND CONTEMPLATING HOW
MUCH THEY LOATHE HIM.
CUT TO: EIGHT
YEAR OLD ASIAN GIRL IN CROWD. SHE IS IN CONTRAST TO CROWD IN THAT SHE IS
CHEERING AND JUMPING UP WILDLY FOR WALLACE AND CALLING HIS NAME. SHE IS
GOING CRAZY WITH ENTHUSIASM AND HOLDS A HAND-MADE SIGN THAT HAS A CUT OUT
PICTURE OF WALLACE'S YOUNG FACE AND SAYS "I LOVE YOU HONEY!" ON IT. (WE
PRESUME THIS IS WALLACE'S FUTURE WIFE)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE AGAIN LOOKING OUT INTO CROWD NERVOUSLY. WE HEAR ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
ON SOUND SYSTEM...
Announcer: Oh ladies and gentlemen... this contest looks like it may be over before it has even begun! The crowd loves Bo "Vacuum Cleaner" Bobber! But will this newcomer turn the tides and beat the champion Bo!? It doesn't seem likely!!! (crowd cheers)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE AGAIN LOOKING OUT INTO CROWD NERVOUSLY.
CUT TO: ASIAN
GIRL IN CROWD AGAIN. SHE IS SCREAMING "I LOVE YOU WALLACE!" AT THE TOP
OF HER LUNGS.
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER.
HE HAS A POP GUN POINTED UPWARDS. HE IS SAYING...
Announcer: On your mark ...eaters!!!
CUT TO: SHOT
OF BO BOBBER. WITH HIS OPEN MOUTH POSITIONED AND READY OVER HIS TABLE FULL
OF BANANA CREME PIES. LOOKING CONFIDENT.
CUT TO:
WALLACE. IN SAME POSITION BUT LOOKING SCARED.
CUT TO:
CROWD... AWED IN SILENCE.
Announcer: (fires gun) Go!!!
CUT TO:
SHOT OF BO EATING PIES FURIOUSLY
CUT TO:
SHOT OF WALLACE EATING PIES FURIOUSLY
CUT TO:
CROWD GOING WILD LIKE AT A BOXING MATCH
CUT TO:
BO WITH PIE ALL OVER FACE... EATING LIKE CRAZY
CUT TO:
WALLACE WITH PIE ALL OVER FACE... EATING FURIOUSLY.
THROUGH A SERIES
OF EDITS AND SHOTS WE ARE ABLE TO SEE THAT WALLACE IS SOMEHOW ABLE TO START
EATING A SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER NUMBER OF PIES THAN BO... AND HIS LEAD KEEPS
GETTING STRONGER TO THE SURPRISE OF THE AUDIENCE, BO AND ALSO WALLACE.
CUT TO:
BO EATING BUT STARTING TO LOOK AT WALLACE A LITTLE WORRIEDLY.
CUT TO:
WALLACE EATING LIKE MAD BUT BECOMING AWARE THAT HE IS IN THE LEAD.
CUT TO:
ANNOUNCER...
Announcer: (bemused into microphone) Whoa!!! We have an upset folks! Wallace Langham is eating way ahead of champion Bo Bobber! Not in four years has anyone ever challenged the Bo! Ohhhh this is an exciting race indeed folks! (crowd's cheers start to diminish)
CUT TO:
WALLACE EATING IN FAST MOTION
CUT TO:
BO EATING BUT PAYING A LOT OF ATTENTION TO WALLACE
CUT TO:
WALLACE IN FAST MOTION... AT ONE POINT HE LOOKS OVER AT WALLACE AND MAKES
A "GRRR..." SOUND AT HIM WITH A MOUTH STUFFED WITH BANANA CREME PIE.
CUT TO:
CROWD KIND OF LOOKING CONFUSED... CROWD SLOWLY STARTS TO TURN AND BEGINS
TO CHEER FOR WALLACE... STARTS CHANTING "WALLACE... WALLACE..." ANNOUNCER
IS GIVING RUNNING COMMENTARY OF HOW WALLACE IS PULLING AHEAD AGAINST BO
AND IT'S A HISTORIC MOMENT...
CUT TO:
ASIAN GIRL IN CROWD STILL GOING WILD AND CHEERING FOR WALLACE. SHE IS YELLING
"YOU'RE GONNA WIN! YOU'RE GONNA WIN! I LOVE YOU WALLACE! YOU'RE GONNA WIN!"
CUT TO:
CROWD CHEERING FOR WALLACE.
CUT TO:
BO EATING BUT LOOKING VERY WORRIED AND OBVIOUSLY FAR BEHIND.
CUT TO:
A ROW OF THICK WOODS AT THE EDGE OF THE VALLEY... WAY BEHIND THE CROWD
AND CARNIVAL. WE START TO SEE LITTLE BLACK SHAPES... LIVING THINGS... POP
OUT OF THE WOODS AND INTO THE VALLEY. THE BLACK SHAPES START INCREASING
IN NUMBER AND APPEAR TO BE MOVING TOWARDS THE CROWD.
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP SHOT OF WALLACE'S MOUTH EATING PIE LIKE MAD
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP SHOT OF BO'S MOUTH EATING PIE LIKE MAD
CUT TO: GRINNING.
LEERING MOUTH OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PRIMATE. THE CAMERA IS FOCUSED ON
THE MOUTH OF THE ANIMAL EVEN THOUGH IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE ANIMAL IS MOVING
QUICKLY FORWARDS. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF CHIMPANZEES MAKING WAR CRIES AND
THE GALLOPING OF CHIMPANZEE FEET. (sound fx)
CUT TO: CAMERA
CUTS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN SHOTS OF WALLACE EATING AND BO EATING AND THE
CROWD CHEERING AND THE MONKEY MOUTHS AND FACES AS AN OBVIOUS CROWD OF ENRAGED
PRIMATES IS GALLOPING TOWARDS THE CARNIVAL.
CUT TO: LONG
SHOT OF CHIMPANZEES RUNNING TOWARDS THE CARNIVAL
CUT TO: CLOSER-IN
SHOT OF CHIMPANZEES REACHING THE EDGE OF THE CARNIVAL AND PIE-EATING CONTEST.
SOME CHIMPANZEES START TO ATTACK PEOPLE ON THE PARAMETER OF THE CROWD.
PEOPLE SCREAM.
CUT TO: MORE
SHOTS OF MORE MONKEYS ATTACKING PEOPLE IN THE CROWD. PEOPLE START TO SCREAM
AND REACT AND RUN/RIOT. MONKEYS START TO GET ON THE STAGE.
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER
WITH AN INSANE CHIMP ON HIS BACK SCRATCHING AT HIS HEAD. HE SCREAMS INTO
MICROPHONE...
Announcer: Aaaaauuuuggghhh!!! It's a monkey attack!!! Nooooo!!! Aaauuugghhh!!! Not again!!! The monkeys are back!!! Run for your lives!!!!!
CUT TO: ENRAGED
CHIMPANZEE JUMPING ONTO TABLE OF WALLACE'S PIES. WALLACE LOOKS UP QUIZZICALLY
AS THE CHIMP STARTS GRABBING AND EATING WALLACE'S PIES AND SCREETCHING
AT WALLACE. WALLACE LOOKS ALL AROUND HIM
CUT TO:
VARIOUS SHOTS OF CROWD BEING ATTACKED BY INSANE CHIMPS AND RUNNING FOR
THEIR LIVES. THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND SOME CASUALTIES. IT'S TOTAL
CHAOS. PEOPLE RUNNING EVERYWHERE. CHIMPS SWARM AROUND BOTH BO AND WALLACE'S
TABLES OF PIES. BO IS SEEN RUNNING IN FRONT OF WALLACE'S TABLE SCREAMING
WITH A CHIMP ON HIS HEAD CLAWING AT HIS EYES... WHICH ARE BLEEDING. WALLACE
THEN GETS ATTACKED BY A CHIMP WHO KNOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
CUT TO: VARIOUS
QUICK-EDITED CLOSE-UP SHOTS OF CHIMP MOUTHS DEVOURING THE PIES.
CUT TO: PEOPLE
RUNNING BLOODY FOR THEIR LIVES... SCREAMING... CHAOS
CUT TO: ANNOUNCER...
WITHOUT MICROPHONE... BLOODY AND DOWN ON HIS KNEES ON THE STAGE AND CRYING
TO HIMSELF...
Announcer: Not again... no... not another monkey attack... oh why... oh why...
CUT TO: WALLACE
OFF THE STAGE ON HIS BACK... LOOKING ALL AROUND HIM AT THE CHAOS AND THE
OBVIOUSLY CANCELED CONTEST AND HIS BIG MOMENT IN THE SUN GONE AWRY.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
YOUNG FACE AGAIN... HE LOOKS UPSET ALMOST LIKE HE'S GOING TO CRY...
CUT TO: MONKEYS
ALL OVER THE LACE DEVOURING EVERY PIE IN SIGHT AND ATTACKING PEOPLE (WHO
HAVE PRETTY MUCH FLED AWAY).
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE AGAIN... CRYING...
CUT TO: ASIAN
GIRL... WHO IS VERY INJURED AND BLOODY... AND IS CRAWLING TOWARDS WALLACE
ON THE GROUND... SHE IS MUMBLING SOMETHING ABOUT NOT WINNING THE PIE EATING
CONTEST... WE SEE MORE CHAOS AND CARNAGE BEHIND HER... BLOOD AND MERINGUE
EVERYWHERE... SHE IS HOLDING THE BLOOD-COVERED TROPHY THAT WOULD HAVE GONE
TO THE WINNER OF THE CONTEST TO HIM. SHE REACHES HIM AND HOLDS THE TROPHY
OUT TO HIM IN VAIN. HE JUST LOOKS AT HER (TO HIS RIGHT) AND THEN LOOKS
BACK UP (HE IS ON HIS BACK) AND CONTINUES TO CRY... CAMERA STAYS ON HIS
FACE AS...
(edit in blur filter - wavy blurriness - to signify a coming back to reality frommemory Wallace was having)
(NOTE: OUT OF WALLACE'S CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK AND BACK TO PRESENT IN
LAB)
CUT TO: SHOT
OF WALLACE'S FACE IN PRESENT IN THE LAB... STILL LOOKING AT CHIMPANZEE
IN TANK WITH NUMB LOOK ON HIS FACE...
CUT TO: CLOSE-UP
SHOT OF CHIMP'S FACE IN WATER BUBBLY SHRIEKING AND EATING PIE UNDERWATER.
CUT TO: BACK
TO WALLACE'S FACE... STILL UNMOVED... HE MUMBLES TO HIMSELF...
Wallace: Have some more pie...
CUT TO: CHIMP
SHAKING HEAD UP AND DOWN AND SHRIEKING AND EATING PIE UNDERWATER.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S
FACE STILL WATCHING. WE HEAR HIS LAB ASSISTANCE'S VOICE...
Wallace's Lab Assistant: Do you want to take this or not? Professor Wallace... Professor Wallace!?
CUT TO: WALLACE'S FACE... HE SHAKES OUT OF HIS DAYDREAM AND TURNS TO HIS RIGHT TO LOOK AT HER
Wallace: Huh?
CUT TO: WALLACE'S ASSISTANT. SHE IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM HOLDING OUT THE TELEPHONE.
Wallace's Lab
Assistant: Do you want to take this call or not? I've been asking you
for the last minute... didn't you hear me?
Wallace:
Oh... no... sorry... I was concentrating on the chimpanzee's progress.
Take a message will you? I've got to go somewhere. (Wallace looks over
at clock on wall)
CUT TO: SHOT
OF CLOCK ON WALL... IT SAYS 10PM EXACTLY.
CUT TO: WE
SEE THE LAB ASSISTANT TAKE A MESSAGE. WE SEE WALLACE TAKE OFF HIS LAB COAT,
GRAB HIS CAR KEYS AND WALK OUT THE DOOR.
CUT TO: CLOSE-UP
SHOT OF DOOR BEING SLAMMED AS WALLACE LEAVES LAB
CUT TO:
ONE MORE SHOT OF CHIMP IN TANK... HE IS HOLDING HIS LEFT HAND UP
TO EAR TO MIMIC LAB ASSISTANT ON THE PHONE. WHICH CUT'S TO...
(NOTE: SETTING CHANGE)
CUT TO: MARK
AT WORK BEHIND SECURITY DESK. HE HAS THE PHONE UP TO HIS LEFT EAR... WHICH
HE PROMPTLY HANGS UP.
CUT TO: PULLED
BACK SHOT OF MARK BEHIND DESK. WE SEE OLD MAN SECURITY GUARD IS NOW WAY
DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE LOBBY, FAR BACKGROUND. HE HAS BEEN MOPPING
THE WHOLE TIME.
Mark: He wasn't in.
CUT TO: OLD
SECURITY GUARD WHO LOOKS UP... SHAKES HEAD... AND THEN CONTINUES MOPPING.
CUT TO: MARK
LOOKING UP AT CLOCK ON WALL. IT SAYS A FEW SECONDS AFTER 10PM.
CUT TO:
CLOCK
(fade to black - then fade up again to same shot of Mark at desk - this is to signify some time having passed)
CUT TO: MARK
IS STILL AT DESK. HE LOOKS UP AT CLOCK... WHICH NOW SAYS 10:40PM
CUT TO: CLOCK
CUT TO: OLD
SECURITY GUARD... NOW SITTING UP SLEEPING ON BENCH... SNORING.
CUT TO: MARK...
WHO LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
CUT TO: WATCH...
WHICH SAYS 10:40PM AND ELEVEN SECONDS. MARK CONTINUES LOOKING AT HIS WATCH
AND THEN LOOKS OUT INTO THE AIR.
CUT TO: SHOT
OF CEILING OF LOBBY.
CUT TO: MARK
LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.
WE HEAR A LOUD CLANKING
SOUND... (sound fx) THE SAME SOUND WE HEARD IN THE LOBBY IN
THE LAST LOBBY SCENE. MARK LOOKS UP FROM HIS WATCH AT THE CEILING.
CUT TO: OLD
SECURITY GUARD BEING RUSTLED AWAKE BY THE SOUND. THE OLD SECURITY GUARD
LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
Old Security Guard:
Right on time!
Mark: If
we didn't have that to look forward to every night I don't know what we
would do to pass the time.
CUT TO: OLD
SECURITY GUARD GETS A FLASHLIGHT OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SHINES IT UP AT
THE CEILING.
CUT TO: SHOT
OF CEILING WITH FLASHLIGHT LIGHT MOVING AROUND IT.
Old Security Guard: Every night... at exactly 10:41pm... the same sound.
CUT TO: MARK LOOKS UP.
Mark: Yep.
Old Security
Guard: When are we gonna go investigate that?
Mark: We're
not paid to investigate the insides of the walls of the building... just
to watch the outsides.
Old Security
Guard: Aren't you curious?
Mark: (looks
down at a magazine) Yea... I guess. I don't know... it's probably something
in the building switching on and off at a certain exact time... 10:41pm
every night... something in the air system or something.
Old Security
Guard: Sounds more like an infestation to me! (shining flashlight
up to ceiling)
Mark: Mmmmmph...
idunknow...
CUT TO: MARK LOOKS OUTSIDE TO THE SWARM OF JUNE BUGS WRITHING BENEATH THE LAMP POST AGAIN. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CAR IN THE DISTANCE. MARK LOOKS UP AND PAST THE BUGS. HE LOOKS AT A CAR DRIVING DOWN THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING.
Mark: There's
that car again!
Old Security
Guard: What car?
Mark: The
same car as last time!
CUT TO: MARK'S VIEW OF THE CAR. CAMERA FOLLOWS CAR MOVING SCREEN RIGHT TO LEFT. WE SEE A DARK FIGURE DRIVING BUT CAN'T MAKE IT OUT.
Old Security Guard:
What last time?
Mark: Last
time last time... it was there once before.
Old Security
Guard: So it's a road... there's gonna be cars!
Mark: But
I thought... I don't know... I keep seeing this one. At around this time
every night. I don't know...
Old Security
Guard: So it's someone getting off work!
Mark: Aren't
you curious as to who's in it?
Old Security
Guard: Yea... I guess. I don't know...
CUT TO: OUTSIDE OF OFFICE LOBBY... LOOKING IN. JUNE BUGS WRITHING AND SWARMING UNDER LIGHT IN PARKING LOT (CAMERA HAS MOVING BUGS IN FOREGROUND... CAMERA IS LOW TO GROUND... AND IS FACING THE OFFICE BUILDING). WE SEE MARK AND THE OLD SECURITY GUARD IN THE GIANT LIT WINDOW OF THE LOBBY WAY... WAY... IN THE BACKGROUND. THEY ARE TALKING. THE BUGS START TO WRITHE AND FESTER MANIACALLY... WE HEAR THE LOUD SOUND OF LOTS OF CRAWLING BUGS... (sound fx)
(fade out)
To
be continued!!!
Tune
into NEXT WEEK's "Top Ten" to read the mind-boggling continuation
of
my unhealthy fantasy daydream about Wallace Langham... when will it end?
HOW
will it end? WHAT will it reveal? Tune in and find out!!!
Mark
Allen's Top Three Things
for
July 21st, 2003
2. Am I
the last person in this dimension to discover the brilliance of "The Larry
Sanders Show"?
Why was I not aware of HBO's "The Larry Sanders Show?"
Am I literally the last person in the universe to discover the brilliantly
written, acted, directed and written "The Larry Sanders Show?"
Why hasn't "The Larry Sanders Show" made it a point to catch my attention
at all in the eleven years since it first entered the cultural arena?
How totally out of it can I actually be?
Somehow I was left out of the loop of it's six-year run and subsequent
syndication, not to mention it's megamaniacanormous buzz. For you see I
have been on Mars for the last decade. In a cave, with my eyes shut and
my fingers in my ears. (I stole that last line from 'The Simpsons')
Well where I have been is without cable TV all that time (an intentional
choice) and it looks like I may be stealing lines from "The Larry Sanders
Show" now too... as I am discovering it was, and is still, a completely
brilliant use of the television medium. I mean... WOW! What a great fucking
television show.
I remember hearing it's name mentioned from time to time in the past decade
as being "really great"... but I never saw it. In case you have been on
a leper colony for the last ten years like me... the show centered around
a fictional late-night talk show and all the goings-on behind, and in front
of, the camera. Recently FOX-TV has been showing re-runs of the show (two
episodes in a row), at 1am on Saturday nights. I caught one episode by
chance on one of my ever-increasing not-going-out-on-Saturday-night nights.
It was the episode "Hank's Night in the Sun", from the third season.
In the prickly episode, the character Hank Kingsley (Sander's on-camera,
Ed McMahon-esque sidekick) found himself the sudden host of the show when
Larry Sanders became ill at the last minute. The quietly ambitious Hank,
who had been the un-faithful and often pathetic, middle-aged show whipping
boy/asshole on and off the camera for years... now found himself where
he had always secretly wanted to be... in the spotlight. Hank becomes a
surprise sensation after his first night, with real laughs from the studio
audience and overnight good reviews in the dailies. Since Larry Sanders
is still deathly ill (and watching with finger-chewing apprehension from
his home television set)... Hank goes on to host another night. With wind-blown
confidence now buzzing around his one-celled brain... he feels his "true
calling" has finally been vindicated, and starts clumsily throwing his
weight around, treating everyone like garbage and making naive, vindictive
demands (off and on camera). Needless to say, by burning every bridge amongst
the cast, crew, audience and critics within the span of a 24 hour asshole-ism-a-thon
(a true record)... everything comes crashing down and he's booted off the
host spot. He sulks back to his real calling... the un-faithful and often
pathetic, middle-aged show whipping boy/asshole... for life. The character
Hank's shallow descent into the murkier waters of the super-ego (in a *B*R*I*L*L*I*A*N*T*
performance by seasoned actor Jeffrey Tambor) was so viscerally palpable
and twisted (trust me - if you see this episode you'll wince at the screen,
several times)... and the way in which the scenes surrounding him were
written, acted and directed ...the whole thing left a serious "...huh...
wow..." impression on me. I knew "The Larry Sanders Show" was a weird comedy...
but I had no idea how dark and real the comedy was. It was one of the most
simultaneously un-real and real things I had ever seen portrayed on TV.
Whenever I was home at 1am on a Saturday night (okay always) I tuned in...
week after week, re-run after re-run... and watched the weird layers of
all the characters slowly unfold within the show's unique format. By week
number four I was officially
obsessed. The show creates an entire
universe inside itself... yet weirdly pulls in real celebrities who appears
as guests on the "show" and then act (as themselves) in the drama behind
the scenes.
The remarkable characters seem casually but meticulously constructed, and
end up doing what all great fictional works do... create a carousel of
personas that represent all the major layers of all human spectrum... so
you can identify with all of them (similar example: 'Gilligan's Island').
The cinematography and editing have a quasi-documentary feel to them..
which could be unintentional... the rapid-fire flow of scenes and lines
flow just too well to just be "DOGMA"-ed. The situations the characters
find themselves in are clever - but no matter how twisted... you'll
find yourself saying to the TV screen with each plot line "Oh I have so
been there." Stories truly pulled from real life experience are the most
surreal. The writing is amazing... and the dialogue genius... as the funny
lines seem to naturally flow out of the character's mouths. Why? Great,
great actors.
The show is as good as "The Simpsons" or "Seinfeld" at their peaks... maybe
better. I highly recommend checking it out. FOX shows it at 1am on Saturday
nights... and shows two episodes in a row. I think it's also in syndication
on the BRAVO network. The first season is out on DVD too.
And it was through this show that I also discovered...
3. Wallace Langham
- my latest daydream fantasy obsession - AND - an example of a daydream
with him in it:
I discovered him on this show. He's been acting
ever since he was a kid (his debut was in "Weird Science'). He was also
born (and raised?) in Ft. Worth, Texas (the sister city to the one I was
raised in). He's a very interesting actor, and has a strange screen persona.
I immediately noticed how sexy he is... of course. He's weirdly handsome...
the best kind. I did some research on the net and found out he's completely
straight, with two kids, of course (no wonder he's so sexy). I also read
a few interviews with him and he sounds really funny and weird. He also
had a bit of a Sean Penn-esque controversy with a tabloid photographer
which sounds like total GLAAD-fueled bullshit charges to me (the bullshit
coming from the accuser's side). All I have to say is "right on!" Wallace...
seriously.
I've seen some of his other work - and he's quite good. He's an actor's
actor, whatever that means. Through the magic of a stalker-friendly, online
searchable archive of TV Guide listings... I have been able to catch him
starring in episodes of the new Outer Limits and Twilight Zone. He's had
a prolific and here/there career as an actor... and I'm sure has lots more
to come. He played a "bad" boyfriend of Sarah whats-er-name on "Sex In
the City". Swoon. He was on "E.R." He's also on "C.S.I." and a bunch of
other shows. But his character on "The Larry Sanders Show" is (was) a real
multi-layered treat - he plays (or played) Phil, a quirky, quick-witted
comic writer who heads the writing of all Larry's monologues and skits...
and inevitably gets pulled into all the show's serpentine human drama.
Needless to say... the episode of "The Larry Sanders Show" (season
6, episode 10: 'Putting the 'Gay' Back in Litigation') where Langham full
french kisses fellow actor Scott Thompson in a drunken moment of "slipped"
heterosexuality, had me ...floored.
I have my UNHEALTHY obsessions with outer-edge male actors now and again...
but I keep them to myself. The list through the years has grown ever since
I was a kid up to now. They range from the well known and not well known
(Ike Eisenmann, John Friedrich, Dermot Mulroney, Edward Norton... the list
is creepy and endless) it's gone on and on my entire life. I've noticed
I tend to do it with dark-haired (often with facial hair), oddly handsome
males who often play quirky roles in off-beat, usually independent films.
They are almost always great actors who don't have superstar careers. In
my "fantasy" this is because, to me, they probably choose roles that are
interesting over typical Hollywood fare because they are too smart for
that. They're outsiders. Rebels. *cough* *sputter* ...oops... almost
drowned on my own saliva there. Anyway...
These casually dangerous obsessions usually spring up from a chance viewing
and, whatever spark they ignite in my brain stays active in my subconscious...
and continues on and off throughout my whole life, usually flaring up near
the initial moment of exposure, continuing for about 6 months and wearing
off after the first restraining order... then tapering off over time and
becoming less "romantic fantasy" and more "nostalgic fantasy" The first
fantasy category, "romantic fantasy" usually involves mental scenarios
of us alone in rooms lit by blue TV static, and sex in a bed of flames...
this is then kicked down a notch (usually by a visit by the police and
the application of a shock ankle bracelet) to the second kind; "nostalgic
fantasy" which is more like "...oh yea I remember being into him" and a
realization that I will never ever again be allowed a press pass to the
Academy Awards backstage. Just because I have orders from the police doesn't
mean I still can't be a fan.
I of course never get to know what the real person is like (thank you LAPD!)
so this "fill-in-the-blanks" blank-slate personality makes them excellent
fantasy fodder. I keep them and the world they inhabit in my head... to
myself... they are fuel for daydreams, that's it. They pop up when I'm
feeling maybe a little inadequate... and I start to drift off into daydream
world where I create fantastic scenarios in my head that have nothing at
all to do with any reality at all. Sound healthy? It's not. Well maybe
it is... everybody does it I suppose. Everybody loves to dream about movie
stars... right? I always say, and my corrections officer agrees; you can
see reality so much clearer when fantasy is standing in the way...
Rainy days when I'm staring out the window... or nights when I lay in bed
and can't sleep... or blazing hot afternoons underneath the freeway underpass
after my lithium has worn off... are when these visions... I mean, daydreams...
occur. You know that Bangles song "Manic Monday" where she sings "Six
o' clock already I was just in the middle of a dream - I was kissing Valentino
by a crystal blue Italian stream"? Boy Susanna Hoffs sure could relate.
Ahhh... daydream days in a daydream nation... daydream fantasies... where
me (sometimes the real me and sometimes me playing a 'character' in the
daydream - revealing textbook-case Freudian semiotics of deep-seated, unresolved
power struggles deep within my own psyche) and the actor (sometimes themselves
or sometimes a 'character' in my daydream - revealing ever scarier textbook-case
Freudian semiotics of deep-seated, unresolved power struggles deep within
my own psyche) somehow romantically meet and fall fantastically in love...
somewhere in a reality far, far away... worlds away, from this reality...
something along the lines of... I feel one coming on now...
CHARACTERS:
MARK - early 30's, gay, recently moved away from New York City to Texas after somehow having a sudden, smashing career as a writer and coming into lots of money somehow. Has one son with no name who serves as no more than a "prop" in the fantasy. Lives in a suburban house with his kid. Job: yes, with huge income from writing glory bestseller past, still works - but specifics unknown, although may be a nightwatchman/janitor in a very large, immense, brightly-lit Jaques Tati-esque modern lobby of a huge office building where he wears a uniform and guard hat that are both too big for him and is always alone and spends all his time sitting in front of a desk with lots of little tv screens and a mop and bucket he uses to clean the floor with and spends time looking out the immense glass windows out into the night parking lot and road outside... often pensively.
WALLACE - early 30's, straight, recently divorced single dad with two kids with no names who simply serve as props in the fantasy and have no names. Lives in a suburban house in Plano with his two kids. Job: yes, but specifics unknown, but may be something really cool and scientific like with test tubes and a lab with really big electrical machinery and lasers and stuff and Wallace wearing a sexy lab coat and goggles.
OLD SECURITY GUARD JANITOR - Works at Mark's place of work. About 80 years old and comically crotchety.LOCATION: Plano, Texas, sometime in the early 21st century.
SETTINGS:
Setting 1: Unspecified McDonald's restaurant with a front counter and food and employees, but no tables or chairs. Inside of McDonald's consists only of overhead fluorescent lighting and kiddie land playground that consists only of a "ball cage/room" thing with a boxing ring-style rubber rope around it. When children are "placed" in the kiddie ball room thing they disappear and stop becoming relevant to the scene - yet can still be referred to to by the characters.
Setting 2: Wallace house. Large suburban home with a front porch swarming with plants and mood lighting. Indoor contains many rooms, mainly a large living room with an immense beige couch and candles and moody lighting. Also a view through big glass windows out onto the lit pool outside. There is an upstairs that mainly exists for children characters to "disappear" into.
Setting 3: Mark house. Large suburban home with a front porch swarming with plants and mood lighting. Indoor contains many rooms, mainly a large living room with an immense beige couch and candles and moody lighting. Also a view through big glass windows out onto the lit pool outside. There is an upstairs that mainly exists for children characters to "disappear" into. May contain an area with as computer and table and bunch of writing stuff.
Setting 4: Wallace's place of work. Really cool science laboratory with test tubes and a lab with really big electrical machinery and lasers and stuff and Wallace wearing a sexy lab coat and goggles.
Setting 5: Mark's place of work. A very large, immense, brightly-lit Jaques Tati-esque modern lobby of a huge office building where he wears a uniform and guard hat that are both too big for him and is always alone and spends all his time sitting in front of a desk with lots of little tv screens and a mop and bucket he uses to clean the floor with and spends time looking out the immense glass windows out into the night parking lot and road outside.
Setting 6: Winding Texas road that never has any other cars on it. It is always nighttime on the road. Huge, dramatic rainstorms can occur on the road on cue. Next to the road on both sides is thick woods.*********************************************************
*DAY ONE*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: early evening, duskMARK ENTERS UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS RESTAURANT. HE IS WITH HIS KID. MARK PLACES KID INSIDE BALL CAGE THING AND THEN GOES AND SITS DOWN ON A BENCH FACING BALL CAGE THING. HE SPIES WALLACE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BALL CAGE THING. WALLACE IS PULLING HIS TWO KIDS OUT OF THE BALL CAGE THING AND GETTING HIS STUFF TOGETHER TO LEAVE. THE TWO EXCHANGE LOOKS. WALLACE LEAVES. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE MCDONALDS BUT THEY ARE UNDESCRIPT BLURS.
*********************************************************
*DAY TWO*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: early evening, duskMARK IS ALREADY IN UNSPECIFIC MCDONALDS, HIS KID IS INSIDE THE BALL CAGE AND HE IS WATCHING HIM. WALLACE ENTERS THE MCDONALDS WITH TWO KIDS IN TOW. WALLACE PLACES HIS TWO KIDS INSIDE THE BALL CAGE AND THEN SITS ON A BENCH FACING THE BALL CAGE (OPPOSITE SIDE OF MARK). THE TWO EXCHANGE BRIEF LOOKS THEN LOOK AWAY. WALLACE READS A MAGAZINE. MARK WATCHES HIS OWN KID. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE MCDONALDS BUT THEY ARE UNDESCRIPT BLURS.
- TIME PASSES -
IT'S TIME FOR WALLACE TO LEAVE. WALLACE COLLECTS HIS KIDS FROM THE BALL CAGE AND AS HE PUTS THE YOUNGEST KID UP ON HIS SHOULDER... HE LOOKS OVER AT MARK A BIT APPREHENSIVELY. MARK HAS ALREADY GOTTEN UP TO COLLECT HIS KID. HE LOOKS BACK AT WALLACE AND SMILES AND RAISES ONE HAND TO KIND OF SAY "HI". WALLACE SMILES BACK HALF HEARTEDLY.Wallace: Hey.
Mark: Hey how's it going?
Wallace: Well... see you tomorrow! (jokingly, sarcastic)
Mark: Yea! Ha!WALLACE EXITS MCDONALDS DOOR. MARK WATCHES TO SEE IF WALLACE LOOKS BACK INTO THE RESTAURANT TO WAVE AT MARK BEFORE THE DOOR SHUTS. HE DOESN'T. MARK LIFTS HIS OWN KID UP FROM THE BALL CAGE AND PUTS HIM ON HIS SHOULDER... WATCHING THE SHUT DOOR PENSIVELY.
*********************************************************
*DAY THREE*(NOTE IMPORTANT: DAYS THREE THROUGH SEVEN ARE ALL EDITED TOGETHER IN ONE LONG MONTAGE WITH OCCASIONAL DIALOGUE WITH MARK AND WALLACE ARRIVING AND LEAVING AT THE BEGINNING [early evening - dusk] AND END [later at night - but not too late for kid's bedtimes] OF EACH "DAY"... EACH TIME WITH A FRIENDLIER AND FRIENDLIER HELLO AND GOOD-BYE -AND THE SAME SONG SOUNDTRACK THROUGHOUT ALL DAYS THREE THROUGH SEVEN)
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: varies
soundtrack: song fading out of dialogue shots and over action shots is Stereolab's "Outer Accelerator", with inclusion of Stereolab song "Jenny Ondioline" at end (song continues un-interrupted from scene to scene, day to day, until day *seven*, when second song is introduced)QUICKLY EDITED SHOT WITH VARIOUS SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE: VARIOUS SHOTS OF MARK AND WALLACE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND BETTER EACH DAY AT THE UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS AS EACH OF THEIR KIDS HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BALL CAGE/ROOM. WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO AS THEY SIT ON THE BENCH AND TALK:
Mark: So you got a divorce from her?
Wallace: Yes (pensive look as he eyes his kids in the ball cage) I miss her as a companion but, it's for the best I suppose.
Mark: What was her name?
Wallace: Shigeru Miyamoto. She was Japanese.
Mark: Un-huh I see...
Wallace: Yes.
Mark: I thought I detected some Asian features in your kids but I couldn't really tell since they are nondescript blobs who don't have faces and just appear as props - since this is a fantasy.
Wallace: Yes.CUT TO: A SCENE WHERE MARK AND WALLACE BOTH BREAK UP A FIGHT BETWEEN ONE OF WALLACE'S KIDS AND MARK'S KID.
*********************************************************
*DAY FOUR*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: varies
soundtrack: song fading out of dialogue shots and over action shots is Stereolab's "Outer Accelerator" (song continues un-interrupted from scene to scene, day to day, until day *seven*)QUICKLY EDITED SHOT WITH VARIOUS SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE: VARIOUS SHOTS OF MARK AND WALLACE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND BETTER EACH DAY AT THE UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS AS EACH OF THEIR KIDS HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BALL CAGE/ROOM. WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO AS THEY SIT ON THE BENCH AND TALK:
Mark: I ...yes, I'm gay. My last boyfriend was killed by an elephant.
Wallace: Wha... how?
Mark: He was an animal trainer and an artist... he... he had been working for years to train full grown elephants to knit sweaters and scarves... and also make tiny Faberge eggs. And um... one day... well... let's just say he went quickly.
Wallace: I'm sorry.CUT TO: SCENE WHERE WALLACE SHOWS MARK HOW TO JUGGLE WITH BALLS FROM THE BALL CAGE.
*********************************************************
*DAY FIVE*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: varies
soundtrack: song fading out of dialogue shots and over action shots is Stereolab's "Outer Accelerator" (song continues un-interrupted from scene to scene, day to day, until day *seven*)QUICKLY EDITED SHOT WITH VARIOUS SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE: VARIOUS SHOTS OF MARK AND WALLACE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND BETTER EACH DAY AT THE UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS AS EACH OF THEIR KIDS HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BALL CAGE/ROOM. WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO AS THEY SIT ON THE BENCH AND TALK:
Mark: A research scientist? Wow!
Wallace: Yes... we are researching to find out if molecules have "memory". You know... if over time, after being exposed and reacting to element changes at specific timed intervals for years... you know at the same time... that if the stimulus is suddenly removed at one of the planned times... the molecules - the same molecules - will still "react" because they have been trained. Like say you work in the same office for forty years... and you sit in the same chair behind the same desk every day for all that time. Every day... Monday through Friday - you sit in that chair at 9am and get out of it at 5pm, and you take two coffee breaks and a lunch break at the same exact times. And every time you sit in and get out of your chair... it "squishes" and "un-squishes" and heats and unheats the cushion part of the chair - from your body weight and heat - at exactly the exact same time every day for forty years. Then after forty years you quit and don't come in at all. But that chair that you have sat on every day is still in your office "expecting" you on Monday morning at 9am to "squish" and heat it's cushion. But at 9... you do not show up. If we were to test the cushion of that chair with really amazing scientific equipment... would we see any changes in the molecular structure of the cushion? Even microscopically measured measurements in the mass or even temperature. Would the molecules in the cushion have been "trained" to behave that way every day? Can they? We already know molecules have a way of "thinking" to behave the way they do to form things in our world... but can they learn and adapt? Do they have "memory?"
Mark: How interesting...
Wallace: Yes... we are testing this by doing experiments on animals. We are at the critical stage of our research.
Mark: Oh... how does that prove...
Wallace: Well... it's part of my research... but it's a little hard to explain how it all fits together. Were you good at math and physics in high school.
Mark: No... I never even made it to math and physics in high school.
Wallace: Oh okay... well let's just say my work is very brainy and is a reflection of my complex and highly creative mind.
Mark: Fascinating.
Wallace: Yes... someone's got to do it. It won me the Nobel Prize.
Mark: Really?
Wallace: Yes... it was handed to me in Switzerland.
Mark: I'm so impressed.
Wallace: And since I won the Nobel Prize last year I am a millionaire now you know.CUT TO: SCENE WHERE MARK AND WALLACE BOTH ARE EATING HAPPY MEALS AT A TABLE WHILE THEIR RESPECTIVE KIDS PLAY. ONE OF THEM DROPS A FRENCH FRY ON THE FLOOR AND BOTH BEND DOWN TO PICK IT UP AT THE SAME TIME... BUMPING HEADS AND THEN HOLDING THEIR HEADS IN PAIN BUT SMILING AND LAUGHING.
*********************************************************
*DAY SIX*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: varies
soundtrack: song fading out of dialogue shots and over action shots is Stereolab's "Outer Accelerator" (song continues un-interrupted from scene to scene, day to day, until day *seven*)QUICKLY EDITED SHOT WITH VARIOUS SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE: VARIOUS SHOTS OF MARK AND WALLACE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND BETTER EACH DAY AT THE UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS AS EACH OF THEIR KIDS HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BALL CAGE/ROOM. WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO AS THEY SIT ON THE BENCH AND TALK:
Mark: Well I'm a security guard at a non-descript office building lobby. I've been doing that for ten years now. Although I just work for the "life experience"... I actually am a very successful author.
Wallace: Yes... I... I have read your books before actually.
Mark: Really?
Wallace: Yes. I thought your "I Dreamed I Was Strangling My Own Identical Stunt Dummy" was a very moving novel.
Mark: Thanks! It was my idea to print the text backwards on the page so the reader would have to hold the book up to a mirror to read it and therefore would have to contemplate themselves while reading you know.
Wallace: Yes I thought that was genius!
Mark: Thanks! Robert H. Binstock of the New York Times called it "mind-numbingly infuriating" despite it being on the New York Times bestseller list for a thousand weeks... and I am now a millionaire because it's been optioned by a film studio you know.CUT TO: SHOT OF WALLACE AND MARK AT THE CASHIER PAYING FOR FOOD FOR THEIR KIDS. WALLACE SUDDENLY REALIZES THAT HE IS SHORT ON CASH TO PAY FOR THE FOOD. MARK RE-ASSURES AND MOTIONS TO A POLITELY PROTESTING WALLACE THAT HE WILL COVER FOR HIM THIS TIME AND PAY FOR BOTH MEALS. MARK THEN STARTS TO GET MONEY FROM HIS WALLET, THEN MARK'S EXPRESSION QUICKLY CHANGES TO MOCK-SERIOUSNESS AS HE PRETENDS TO HAVE A GUN CONCEALED IN HIS POCKET AND PRETENDS TO TRY AND HOLD-UP THE CASHIER FOR THE FOOD. BOTH WALLACE AND MARK BURST OUT LAUGHING AND THE BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE LOOKS BLURRILY CONFUSED AT FIRST AND THEN BLURRILY LAUGHS AS MARK PULLS OUT REAL MONEY.
*********************************************************
*DAY SEVEN*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 1
time of day: varies
soundtrack: song fading out of dialogue shots and over action shots is Stereolab's "Outer Accelerator" (song continues un-interrupted from scene to scene, day to day, until day *seven*)QUICKLY EDITED SHOT WITH VARIOUS SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE: VARIOUS SHOTS OF MARK AND WALLACE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER AND BETTER EACH DAY AT THE UNSPECIFIED MCDONALDS AS EACH OF THEIR KIDS HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BALL CAGE/ROOM. WE HEAR SNIPPETS OF DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO AS THEY SIT ON THE BENCH AND TALK:
Mark: ...and the Peter Sellers movies...
Wallace: Get out! I love Peter Sellers! (excited)QUICKLY CUT TO: SCENE WHERE WALLACE AND MARK'S KIDS WHO WERE FIGHTING A FEW DAYS EARLIER NOW HAVE ON KIDDIE BOXING GLOVES AND HEAD GUARDS AND ARE HAVING A BOXING MATCH IN THE MCDONALD'S PARKING LOT. A CROWD HAS GATHERED TO WATCH AND EVERYONE IS LAUGHING A CHEERING, INCLUDING THE TWO KIDS. A BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE BRINGS OUT A TRAY OF MILKSHAKES FOR EVERYONE TO DRINK AND TOAST THE WINNER. MARK AND WALLACE BOTH RAISE THEIR BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT KIDS ONTO THEIR SHOULDERS IN TRIUMPH AS WINNERS. THE CROWD OF BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT ONLOOKERS LOOKS ON AND CHEERS AND TOASTS THEIR MILKSHAKES. (as Stereolab song begins to build and build)
NOTE SOUNDTRACK: introduce soundtrack: last 2 minutes of Stereolab song "Jenny Ondioline"
CUT TO: SLOW-MOTION CLOSE-UPS OF MARK AND WALLACE'S FACES... WITH EACH OF THEIR KIDS EACH ON THEIR SHOULDERS. MARK AND WALLACE ARE BOTH BOUNCING THEIR KIDS UP AND DOWN AMONGST THE CHEERING CROWD. - CAMERA CUTS BACK AND FORTH - BACK AND FORTH FROM MARK TO WALLACE FACE... GETTING CLOSER EACH TIME... EVENTUALLY JUST IN ON EACH OF THEIR EYES. MARK AND WALLACE ARE BOTH LOOKING AT EACH OTHER WITH WARM SMILES AND LAUGHING EYES. AFTER THE LAST SHOT OF EACH FACE... CAMERA PANS UP TO THE BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT KID ON EACH'S SHOULDERS (FIRST WALLACE'S THEN MARK'S) AND SHOWS EACH KID BLOW THE PAPER WRAPPER OFF THE END OF THEIR MILKSHAKE STRAW UPWARDS. (as second half of Sterolab song builds and builds)
CUT TO: SHOT OF THE TWO PAPER STRAW WRAPPERS ALOFT AND INTERTWINING IN THE AIR WITH THE BLUE SKY BEHIND THEM. SHOT IS EVENTUALLY WHITED OUT BY THE BRIGHT SUN (as last part of Sterolab song - softly wavering moogs and synths ebb and flow into reverb and echo and fade out with the scene)*********************************************************
*DAY EIGHT*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Old Security Guard Janitor
setting: 5
time of day: evening (very dark out)WIDE SHOT OF MARK AT WORK. THE LOBBY IS HUGE AND VERY QUIET. WE SEE MARK LOOKING AT ONE OF THE TELEPHONES AT HIS SECURITY DESK.
CUT TO: BATHROOM ADJACENT TO LOBBY. WE SEE THE OLD SECURITY GUARD HOLDING A BOOK PAGE UP TO A MIRROR AND TRYING TO READ IT. IT IS MARK'S BOOK. HE GRUMBLES:Old Security Guard: Mmmmph... damn... pizzashit...
SCENE 2:
CUT TO: BACK IN LOBBY. OLD SECURITY GUARD ENTERS FROM BATHROOM AND MARK SAYS:Mark: What'd you think of the book?
Old Security Guard: (face suddenly changes to wide sarcastic smile) Oh it was g-r-r-r-e-e-e-a-a-a-t! (face quickly changes back to original casual sneer)OLD SECURITY GUARD TOSSES BOOK ON MODERN, UPHOLSTERED LOBBY BENCH AND THEN SITS DOWN AND PLACES HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES IN FRUSTRATED BOREDOM. SUDDENLY A LOUD CLANKING SOUND IS HEARD COMING FROM THE HIGH CEILING. BOTH MARK AND THE OLD SECURITY GUARD LOOK UP SIMULTANEOUSLY, THEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY LOOK AT THEIR WATCHES. THEN THEY CARRY ON WITH WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
CUT TO: MARK AT SECURITY DESK. HE EYES TELEPHONE APPREHENSIVELY. HE THEN LOOKS OUT WINDOW AT JUNE BUGS CRAWLING AND SWARMING AT BASE OF PARKING LOT OVERHEAD LIGHT (CLOSE UPS), THEN BACK AT PHONE. MARK THEN QUICKLY PICKS UP PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER. WE HEAR IT RING. THEN WE IT PICK UP ON THE OTHER END AND HEAR A VOICE ON THE OTHER END SAY:Wallace (recording): Hello...
Mark: (nervously and awkward) Hey Wallace what's up? It's Mark! Hey I was...MARK THEN REALIZES IT'S WALLACE'S OUTGOING MESSAGE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY CALLING WALLACE AT HOME. WE GATHER FROM THE NERVOUSNESS THAT THIS MAY BE THE FIRST TIME MARK HAS CALLED WALLACE AT HOME, OR THAT HE MAY HAVE INTENDED TO ASK WALLACE TO GO DO SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A "DATE." MARK THEN LOOKS AT THE DANCING JUNE BUGS OUTSIDE AGAIN AND LISTENS TO THE WHOLE OUTGOING MESSAGE.
Wallace (recording continued): ...this is Wallace! I'm not hear right now but please leave a message and I'll get back to you just as soon as I can!
AS MARK IS LISTENING... HIS EYES FOCUS FAR OUT THE WINDOW... PAST THE JUNE BUGS AND TO A CAR THAT IS PASSING ON THE ROAD OUTSIDE THE OFFICE. WE SEE A CLOSE-UP OF MARK'S EYES AS THEY SQUINT TO LOOK AT THE CAR.
CUT TO: MOVING CLOSE-UP OF THE DRIVER OF THE CAR... JUST A BLURRY SHADOW. MARK ISN'T ABLE TO SEE WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR. MARK HANGS UP THE PHONE RIGHT BEFORE WALLACE'S OUTGOING MESSAGE FINISHES AND THEN WALKS AROUND THE DESK AND GETS THE MOP AND BUCKET AND BEGINS MOPPING THE FLOOR AS THE OLD SECURITY GUARD SITS SLUMPED ON THE LOBBY BENCH.*********************************************************
*DAY NINE*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 3,4
time of day: early eveningSHOT OF MARK AT HOME. HE IS SITTING AT HIS WORK/WRITING DESK AND IS TAPPING A BALLPOINT PEN ON HIS DESK - OUT OF NERVOUS FRUSTRATION - AND IS INADVERTENTLY MAKING ERRATIC LITTLE DOT PEN MARKS ON A PAD OF PAPER.
CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF PEN MARKS BEING MADE ON PAPER. (sound fx)
CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF MARK'S EYES LOOKING IN ANOTHER DIRECTION
CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF MARK'S DESK PHONE
CUT TO: PULLED-BACK SHOT OF MARK... MARK PICKS UP PHONE AND DIALS WALLACE'S NUMBER AT WORK. WE HEAR THE PHONE RING.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S PLACE OF WORK. (NOTE: TILTED CAMERA ANGLE) THE LABORATORY IS FILLED WITH BUBBLING, COMPLEX TEST TUBES AND GLASS THINGS WITH COLORED WATER IN THEM (MAYBE SOME DRY ICE) AND MACHINES THAT HAVE ANTENNA WITH STRANDS OF BLUE LIGHTNING/ELECTRICITY COMING OUT OF THEM. WE SEE WALLACE IN HIS LAB COAT, GOGGLES AND CARRYING A CLIP BOARD. HE HAS ONE OF THOSE DENTIST HEADBAND/HATS WITH A LIT CIRCULAR REFLECTIVE LIGHT/MIRROR THING ABOVE AND TO THE RIGHT OF IT. IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE A CHIMPANZEE SUBMERGED IN A LARGE TANK OF BLUE WATER. THE CHIMP HAS WIRES AND TUBES AND ELECTRODES ATTACHED TO IT'S BODY AND IS WEARING A FUTURISTIC LOOKING OXYGEN MASK. THE CHIMP IS EATING A BANANA CREAM PIE - UNDERWATER - AND SMILING AND MOTIONING WITH IT'S ARMS FOR MORE PIE. WALLACE IS OBSERVING AND TAKING NOTES ON HIS CLIPBOARD. WALLACE HEARS PHONE. WALLACE WALKS OVER (FOREGROUND) TO LAB PHONE AND PICKS IT UP (NOTE: EDITS SWITCH BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN SETTINGS 3 AND 4 AS DIALOGUE COMMENCES)Wallace: Molecular Research... Wallace here (serious, casual tone)
Mark: (slightly rushed and nervous) Hey hi hello Wallace? It's Mark! From McDonalds!
Wallace: (face lights up with genuine smile) Mark! Hey how are you?
Mark: Oh fine... sorry to call you at work... I got your work number from your card.
Wallace: Oh that's fine... sooooo... what's up (intimate sound in voice - Wallace leans back against wall and crosses free arm to chest)
Mark: So anyway... I noticed that "The Return of the Pink Panther" is showing at an unspecified movie cinema in town tomorrow night and I was wondering if you wanted to go see it? Burt Kwouk is going to be there and will be doing a Q&A after the screening.
Wallace: Get out! Really? Well I'd love to go...CUT TO: BRIEF CLOSE UP OF CHIMP'S FACE UNDERWATER EATING PIE... CHIMP SMILES AND MOVES HEAD UP AND DOWN EXCITEDLY AND MAKES A (BUBBLY AND GURGLEY) "EEEK! EEEK! EEEK!" SOUND (sound fx)
Mark: Oh okay great! (big smile) Alright I have your address and... why don't I come pick you up at around 7pm tomorrow?
Wallace: Okay... that's fine!
Mark: Okay great... that was easy... I mean (fumbling) ...I mean, okay that's good then! I'll see you at 7!
Wallace: Okay... see you then
Mark: Bye!
Wallace: Later!CUT TO: SHOT OF MARK HANGING UP THE PHONE AT HOME. HE INHALES AND LETS OUT A BIG SIGH OF RELIEF THAT MAKES HIS CHEEKS BELLOW.
CUT TO: WALLACE AT LAB. HE STAYS LEANED AGAINST WALL WITH ARMS CROSSED ACROSS CHEST AFTER HANGING UP PHONE - LOOKS PENSIVELY OUT INTO THE AIR. THE UNDERWATER CHIMP BEHIND HIM IN THE TANK IS NO LONGER EATING A PIE AND NOW SEEMS TO BE SOLVING A RUBIK'S CUBE.
CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF RUBIK'S CUBE UNDERWATER BEING TWISTED AND TURNED BY MONKEY FINGERS. WHICH CUTS TO...*********************************************************
*DAY TEN*
SCENE 1:
characters: Mark, Wallace
setting: 2, 6
time of day: evening (dark)
soundtrack: (very end of scene) Nico's "Lawns Of Dawns"CLOSE-UP SHOT OF MARK'S KID IN PASSENGER SEAT OF MARK'S CAR TWISTING AND TURNING A RUBIK'S CUBE. WE SEE THE KID'S BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT FINGERS WORKING AT IT.
CUT TO: PULLED BACK SHOT OF MARK DRIVING TO WALLACE'S HOUSE... LOOKING AROUND AS HE DRIVES AND TRYING TO FIND THE ADDRESS.Mark: ...47... 4900... be patient we'll be right there...
SHOT OF MARK PULLING HIS CAR UP TO THE FRONT OF WALLACE'S HOUSE. MARK PARKS AND GETS OUT AND LETS HIS KID OUT. WALLACE IS AT THE FRONT DOOR, OPENED, AND IS WAVING HELLO. MARK AND KID WALK UP TO GREET WALLACE. MARK AND WALLACE SHAKE HANDS. WALLACE BRINGS THEM INSIDE.
SCENE 2:
CUT TO: INTERIOR OF WALLACE'S HOUSE. MARK'S KID GREETS WALLACE'S TWO KIDS AND THE THREE OF THEM EXCITEDLY RUN UPSTAIRS AND DISAPPEAR FOR THE REST OF THE SCENE.Mark: So this is your place? It looks great...
Wallace: Yea... thanks.
Mark: It looks similar to mine.
Wallace: Yes I guessed that. Would you like a beer?
Mark: Sure...WALLACE OPENS HIS FRIDGE AND GETS TWO BEERS. INSIDE THE FRIDGE WE CATCH A GLIMPSE OF SHELF AFTER SHELF OF BANANA CREME PIES. WALLACE SHUTS FRIDGE AND HANDS MARK BEER.
Mark: Thanks.
Wallace: Your welcome.
Mark: I can't wait to see Burt Kwouk.
Wallace: Me too.CUT TO: SEMI-CLOSE-UP OF WALLACE TAKING THE TOP OF HIS LONG NECK BEER BOTTLE AND PLACING HIS WHOLE MOUTH OVER THE TOP OF IT ...ALMOST SEDUCTIVELY... WHILE LOOKING AT MARK THE WHOLE TIME... IT LOOKS FOR A SECOND THAT HE IS GOING TO PHALICALLY SUCK ON THE WET BOTTLE.
CUT TO: SHOT OF MARK STARING IN WALLACE'S DIRECTION IN BARELY-HIDDEN AMAZEMENT. MARK IS OPENING HIS BOTTLE WITH HIS HAND AS HE STARES.
CUT TO: WALLACE... WHO DOES NOTHING OF THE SORT... BUT RATHER WAS USING HIS TEETH TO OPEN THE BOTTLE TOP... IN A VERY MACHO FASHION. WALLACE THEN SPITS THE BOTTLE TOP ACROSS THE ROOM IN A VERY MACHO FASHION.... THEN TAKES A SWIG OF BEER IN A VERY MACHO FASHION
CUT TO: SHOT OF MARK... STILL STARING IN AMAZEMENT... FACE HAS NOT MOVED... BUT NOW HIS HANDS REVEAL THAT HE HAS POURED HIS OWN BEER INTO A LARGE CHAMPAGNE GLASS WITH A PINK PAPER UMBRELLA AND SLICE OF LIME AND SALT RIM. MARK IS MOTIONLESS EXCEPT FOR BEER POURING OUT OF BOTTLE.
CUT TO: SHOT OF SPIT-OUT BOTTLE TOP HITTING OPPOSITE WALL OF KITCHEN (WHICH CONTAINS MANY FRAMED PAST PHOTOS OF WALLACE WITH HIS EX-WIFE AND KIDS). WE HEAR THE BOTTLE TOP HIT THE WALL AND MAKE A CARTOON-Y "B-O-O-O-I-I-I-N-N-N-G-G-G-G!" SOUND (sound fx)
CUT TO: BACK TO MARK. HE LOOKS DOWN AT HIS OWN BEER AND THEN BACK AT WALLACE... KIND OF EMBARRASSED.
CUT TO: SHOT OF WALLACE LOOKING AT MARK WITH TOTALLY NON-DESCRIPT LOOK, UNFAZED. WALLACE TAKES ANOTHER SWIG OF BEER.
CUT TO: MARK PLACES FANCY GLASS DOWN AND WALKS WITH HIS BEER BOTTLE OVER TO WALL WHERE WALLACE'S FAMILY PHOTOS ARE. HE LOOKS CAREFULLY AT MANY OF THE PHOTOS.Mark: Is this Shigeru? Your ex-wife? And your kids?
Wallace: Yes... that's us.MARK LOOKS AT THE PHOTOS.
CUT TO: CLOSE-UPS OF MANY OF THE PHOTOS. IN THE PHOTOS WE SEE THE TWO BLURRY, NONDESCRIPT KIDS AND BLURRY, NON-DESCRIPT EX-WIFE SMILING HAPPILY IN EACH PHOTO... FULL OF LIFE. IN EACH SHOT, WALLACE LOOKS BORED AND OUT OF PLACE. IN THE LAST PHOTO CLOSE-UP... THE WHOLE FAMILY IS POSING HAPPILY IN A FAMILY PORTRAIT STUDIO AND YOU CAN SEE WALLACE LITERALLY ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR BEHIND THEM.
CUT TO: WALLACE... WHO HAS NOT MOVED AND IS STILL WATCHING MARK. HE TAKES ANOTHER SWIG OF BEER.Wallace: Maybe we should go if we're gonna catch that film. We don't wanna miss Burt.
Mark: (looks away from photos and towards Wallace) Right!
SCENE 3:
CUT TO: EXTERIOR OF WALLACE'S HOUSE. WE SEE MARK AND WALLACE EXIT THE FRONT DOOR... WALK DOWN TO THE CAR... AND GET IN.
CUT TO: INTERIOR OF CAR. MARK AND WALLACE BOTH ENTER AND FASTEN SEAT BELTS. MARK STARTS CAR AND THEY DRIVE OFF. WALLACE LOOKS SLIGHTLY NERVOUS.
CUT TO: CAR IS NOW MOVING ALONG NIGHT ROAD. WE SEE TREES MOVING OUTSIDE EACH PASSENGER WINDOW AS CAMERA CUTS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN EACH ONE AS THEY SPEAK. WALLACE IS LOOKING MORE AND MORE NERVOUS AND FIDGETING SLIGHTLY IN HIS SEAT... LOOKING AT DIFFERENT THINGS INSIDE THE CAR. LOOKING AT MARK'S HANDS STEERING THE CAR ALONG... SHIFTING THE GEAR SHIFT... TURNING ON THE AIR.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S NERVOUS EYES WATCHING MARK DO EACH THING.
CUT TO: MARK'S HANDS STEERING.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S EYES... THEY MOVE TO SOMETHING ELSE...
CUT TO: MARK'S HAND TURNING THE GEAR SHIFT (WE HEAR CAR REV-UP)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S EYES... THEY MOVE TO SOMETHING ELSE...
CUT TO: MARK'S HANDS ADJUST THE AIR...
CUT TO: WALLACE'S EYES... THEY MOVE TO SOMETHING ELSE...
CUT TO: MARK'S HAND HITTING THE AUTOMATIC LOCKS ON ALL THE DOORS.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S EYES LOOKING OVER AT HIS DOOR LOCK.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S DOOR LOCK LOCKING AUTOMATICALLY.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S HAND HOLDING ONTO THE INNER HANDLE OF HIS DOOR VERY TIGHTLY... GRIPPING.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S EYES... THEY MOVE TO SOMETHING ELSE...
CUT TO: MARK'S FEET AS THEY PUSH THE GAS PEDAL... (WE HEAR CAR REV-UP)
CUT TO: WALLACE'S UPPER BODY... THE CAR REVING-UP CAUSES HIS BODY TO MOVE FORWARD SLIGHTLY AND THEN GET CAUGHT BY HIS SEAT BELT AND BOUNCE BACK IN HIS SEAT. WALLACE LOOKS OVER AT MARK NERVOUSLY...
CUT TO: MARK... LOOKING FORWARD AS HE DRIVES... HE LOOKS OVER AT WALLACE CASUALLY... TOTALLY RELAXED... AND GIVES A NON-DESCRIPT SMILE... THEN LOOKS BACK AT THE ROAD...
CUT TO: WALLACE... STILL LOOKING AT MARK NERVOUSLY... HE THEN LOOKS BACK AT ROAD AND SEEMS TO GULP HARD.Mark: Do you want the AC on?
Wallace: No I'm okay. (sweating, tugging at collar)CUT TO: WALLACE LOOKS RIGHT OVER AT MARK, WITH A VERY VULNERABLE LOOK ON HIS FACE. AS SOON AS MARK (IN CLOSE FOREGROUND) TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM, WALLACE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY... FORWARD. WALLACE THEN KIND OF FAKE-LY SMILES AND SAYS IN A KIND OF VOICE THAT BETRAYS HIS EMOTIONS:
Wallace: You know... I... I didn't know what to wear. You know I'm so busy with my kids and work these days. I never go out! I mean... I was all... 'What do people wear to the movies these days? A tux?' (laughs) You know!? I mean whaddyawear right? (when Wallace says this he throws his hands in the air in a too-extroverted and loud fashion - a symptom of him trying to cover his nervousness - he seems aware of this and slightly embarrassed now on top of seeming nervous)
Mark: (oblivious and relaxed) Oh really? No... no you look... lemme see (Mark tries to look over at Wallace while still watching the road) ...you look good. No you look good... I like the gel in your hair... you look good like that. You look really great!
Wallace: (nervously smiling... fidgeting) Really? You... yea well thanks... you look... you look... (Wallace seems to be trying to spit out words but can't... he seems to be on the brink of a panic attack)CUT TO: WALLACE STOPS TALKING AND LOOKS RIGHT OVER AT MARK CALMLY AND WEIRDLY... VERY VULNERABLE AND MAYBE A LITTLE SCARED. SUDDENLY... WHILE STILL LOOKING OVER AT MARK... HE REACHES CASUALLY OVER TO HIS DOOR LOCK... UNLOCKS IT... THEN SLINKS HIS ARM BEHIND HIMSELF (STILL LOOKING AT MARK)
CUT TO: MARK NOW QUICKLY LOOKS OVER AT HIM THEN BACK AT THE ROAD... HE NOTICES WALLACE IS ACTING STRANGE
CUT TO: WALLACE ... STILL LOOKING OVER AT MARK CALMLY AND WEIRDLY OPENS HIS DOOR WHILE THE CAR IS MOVING AND THEN QUICKLY UNCLICKS HIS SEAT BELT AND THEN SAYS TO MARK WEIRDLY:Wallace: (weirdly calm) Can you stop the car plea... (Wallace doesn't have time to finish as he flings his own body out of the moving car and it tumbles and spins onto the moving pavement below him)
Mark: *AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!* *WHAAAA!?!?!?!*MARK... HAVING ALREADY SLAMMED ON THE BRAKES AS SOON AS HE SAW WHAT WALLACE WAS DOING... BRINGS THE CAR TO A SCREECHING HALT AND FREAKS OUT. JUST THEN *BOOM!* LIGHTNING STRIKES IN THE DISTANCE AND A HARD RAIN STARTS TO DOWNPOUR ALL OVER EVERYTHING. MARK PANICS AND UNDOES HIS SEAT BELT. HE PUTS THE CAR IN PARK AND LOOKS THROUGH HIS REARVIEW MIRROR.
CUT TO: MARK'S REAR-VIEW MIRROR. THROUGH THE RAIN... MARK'S RED REAR BRAKE LIGHTS SHOW THE SILHOUETTE OF WALLACE GETTING UP FROM THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND HOBBLING (POSSIBLY INJURED) AWAY FROM THE CAR AND BACK IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS HOUSE.Mark: What the fuc...
CUT TO: MARK IN THE CAR REACTING. MARK FLINGS HS DOOR OPEN WE HEAR THE *DING* *DING* *DING* OF THE DOOR SOUND (sound fx) MARK GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND STANDS ON THE ROAD AND YELLS BACK AT WALLACE
Mark: Waaaaaalllllllace!!!
SOUNDTRACK: cue Nico's "Lawns Of Dawns" (plays in background and gets louder and louder as scene progresses)
MARK STARTS RUNNING IN THE DIRECTION OF WALLACE... YELLING HIS NAME. THE RAIN IS POURING DOWN ALL OVER EVERYTHING AND THE LIGHTENING AND THUNDER IS FLASHING AND BOOMING.
CUT TO: SHOT FROM MARK'S PERSPECTIVE OF WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE HOBBLING OFF THE ROAD AND INTO THE WOODS.
CUT TO: MARK STILL RUNNING AND CALLING WALLACE'S NAME. MARK REACHES FOREST WHERE WALLACE ENTERED AND ENTERS.
CUT TO: MARK RUNNING THROUGH THICK FOREST WITH RAIN POURING DOWN AND LIGHTNING AND THUNDER FLASHING AND BOOMING... WIND IS HOWLING. MARK KEEPS STOPPING TO WIPE THE RAIN OFF HIS FACE AND LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE IF HE CAN SEE WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE.
CUT TO: WALLACE'S SILHOUETTE FROM MARKS PERSPECTIVE, IN THE DISTANCE... HOBBLING THROUGH THE WOODS IN THE DIRECTION OF HOME.
CUT TO: MARK... STILL RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS YELLING WALLACE'S NAME.
THE RAIN POURS DOWN AND THE LIGHTNING AND THUNDER FLASH AND BOOM... THE WIND IS HOWLING... (sound fx)
Tune into NEXT WEEK's "Top Ten" to read the mind-boggling continuation
of my unhealthy fantasy daydream about Wallace Langham...
Mark
Allen's Top Five Things
for
July 14th, 2003
Copyright
2003 Mark Allen
There has been a lot of recent debate about the "New Big Brother"
and advancing electronic surveillance techniques in urban areas
designed to counter-act crime and terrorism... and the sweeping
changes and under-handed erosion it may cause in our basic civil liberties.
I recently read the facts/speculations discussed in this
article in the Village Voice. So to contribute to this trend, I have
decided to perch up on my fifth floor fire escape and snap random pictures
of people on the street and then post them here, along with my wildly opinionated
opinions about who they may be and what they may be up to and what their
lifestyles my be and most importantly what they may be thinking. It's
a Judgement-o-rama technological wonder world!
I'm not necessarily against surveillance cameras in urban areas... I'm
kind of indifferent to it... maybe because I feel like I really have nothing
to hide, I don't know. The whole "New Big Brother" thing strikes me as
one of those things that ratty, activist liberal law school types like
to bully people into debating about. They're all "Can you believe the rising
potential of CTS and the effect it could have on our individual privacy"
and I'm like "Oh... yea, these things are important to keep track of...
but it doesn't bother me too much... I mean I..." and his face gets red
and he rumbles "DOESN'T BOTHER YOU MUCH!? MY GOD HAVE YOU NO REGARD FOR
THE BASIC CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS OF..." and I start nodding smiling-ly and
my ears go on auto pilot and I turn to the guy behind the counter and say
"Can you make that falafel to go please?"
So anyway... since I think the whole omnipresent, unblinking observation
eye of surveillance in our cities is kind of "fun"... here's MY contribution.
I literally sat on my fire escape for no more than fifteen minutes and
snapped all these people's photos. The pictures are kind of blurry and
TV screen-y because I was so far away. Plus the "blurry", "digital-y" fuzzed-out
electronic image is consistent and often synonymous with the surveillance
camera genre. A few people looked at me and one asked (yelled) what I was
doing ...so I got real still and tried to look like a camera. It must have
worked because they went away. I'm a good actor.
Actually some of these people I have seen around my neighborhood before...
so the opinions I have formed of them before will count in my summaries
of them below. I think I may make this a regular feature on my site...
you know, updating people I see more than once and cataloging my opinions
about them for the world to see. I hope the Surveillance
Camera Outdoor Walking Tour of New York City includes me on their walking
tour! I think I'll send them an email explaining who I am and what I do.
Enjoy:
1. Pedestrian
Spy part 1:
A:
Who:
A man pushing a woman in a wheelchair while another woman walks along.
All appear to be middle aged. The woman (?) being pushed appears to possibly
have a debilitating disability like severe CP or something... as her arm
seems poised in mid-spazz.
What they are doing: The walking man and woman are carting the wheelchair
one to go get her mullet cut off (which is clearly visible) as the NYT
has recently proclaimed trendy mullet haircuts as officially "over." Note:
mullet haircut on non-trendily dressed handicapped person in wheelchair
may be evidence of lesbianism on one or all three. The man could possibly
be an extremely butch lesbian. Note: attention to fashion rules betrays
lesbian stereotype, who generally do not know fashion even exists.
Lifestyle: Handicapped lesbianism
Thinking: "I can't wait to get this mullet cut off my handicapped lesbian
girlfriend... I hope no one sees it before we do."
B:
Who:
Chinese
lady
What they are doing: Carrying a red plastic sack down the street on
her way home to steam dinner AND (of course) scraping her black sandals
on the sidewalk so loudly that the men with jackhammers next to her stopped
jack hammering and put their hands over their ears and screamed "Ahhhhh!
What's that awful noise!?" She just kept walking by all smiley and oblivious
(but not really). BTW: why do all Asian people have those red plastic sacks?
Are they better? Do non-Asians get them ever? What's up with that?
Lifestyle: Hogger of red plastic sacks
Thinking: "I need to be validated... I think I will scrape my sandals
on the pavement as I walk and just stare ahead like I'm dreaming of goldfish
ponds."
C:
Who:
Saucy,
full-figured Latina woman with form-fitting white jeans, mule sling-back
shoes and an off-the-shoulder Daisy Duke-style blousy blouse, beautiful
hair, subtly shiny makeup and flawless ghetto claws. She is carrying a
sack of Wonder Bread and a paper plate. Note: is walking with exaggerated
confidence commonly associated with women in her socioeconomic/ethnic category.
Exaggerated confidence often is a sign of hiding something. Her seductive
style of dress (particularly the off-the-shoulder blouse which revealed
a well-moisterized and rather sparkly shoulder) and body language communicated
that she wanted attention and wanted you to know that she wanted attention.
This is more direct than the Asian woman (above) who's passive/aggressive
attempt to gain attention from the workmen near her with her loud sandal
scraping was less direct.
What they are doing: Going back up to her apartment to eat some Wonder
Bread on a paper plate. Note: could possibly be using bread slices and
paper plate as shoulder pads for her outfit.
Lifestyle: In Your Face.
Thinking: "I am bad and beautiful. Look at my big fine ass and flawless
hair. I'm going up to my apartment to eat some Wonder Bread on a paper
plate. Mmm-hmmm, that's right. You got a problem with that? I didn't THINK
so!"
D:
Who:
Young
guy in a remarkably unique outfit (satin/nylon, loose-fitting shirt with
an odd orange/red design on it, purple, flowing shiny pants and flip flops)
walking a gay dog.
What they are doing: Walking a gay dog and secretly wondering if people
are checking out his mind-blowing threads.
Lifestyle: Boyfriend of slim, artsy girl who owns a boutique in the
Lower East Side that sells her "creative" clothes designs... which he wears
in public because he loves her. She picked out the dog too.
Thinking: "God I hate this little gay dog."
E:
Who:
Person
of indeterminate sex driving around Manhattan on a yellow scooter wearing
a yellow coat, white helmet and yellow flip flops. Remaining as motionless
as possible while driving motorized scooter.
What they are doing: Channeling their fetishistic need to become a
human traffic light.
Lifestyle: Reclusive trust fund brat with past history of drug abuse.
Note: possibly was taken to McDonald's a lot as a child... as it's aesthetic
seems to have had a dramatic effect on his/her subconscious.
Thinking: "If I were a midget this would go over so much more fantastically!"
2. Pedestrian
Spy part 2:
A:
Who:
Incredibly handsome and sexy Latin guy.
What they are doing: Walking around the neighborhood in a sleeveless
T-shirt and pencil mustache, making people pop boners all around him. Note:
good looking people, naturally, will attract more attention and therefor
will be "surveyed" more than regular slobs.
Lifestyle: Filled with lots of opportunities and drama, like most gorgeous
people.
Thinking: "I am walking down a street."
B:
Who:
Trio of women... one middle aged and rather normal looking, and two much
older ones behind her that are totally mind-blowing - one with a cane (amazing!)
and giant alien-eye black sunglasses and the other in a denim halter top,
pleated shorts, high heels and deep tan and a giant white lightbulb-head
hairdo (the younger one may be a daughter). Both older ones are smoking.
What they are doing: One seems to be there as a point of duty (the
younger one) as she kept walking ahead of them, then stopping and turning
around and saying "Come ooonnn!" while the older ones just kept strolling
slower and slower. The two older ones seem to be in ego-parade mode; strolling
around, smoking cigarettes and socializing with other people in the neighborhood.
Lightbulb head may also be working on her tan. Note: her tan lines may
possibly match this outfit.
Lifestyle: Younger one seems to be in Hell, while older two may be
retired and possibly divorced/widowed. Their lifestyles are quite possibly
incredibly relaxed and trouble-free. Lightbulb head's insistence on wearing
rap video-style sexy clothes (despite her age, ethnicity and potato-like
figure) and bouffant hair communicates that she has gone beyond not caring
what people think of her, which is a good thing (if she were in a gang
she would be the leader). Note: women like lightbulb head and her friend
are often parodied on comedy television shows... which they probably don't
"get" or even care about.
Thinking: - Younger woman: "Oh Abraham! may I have just one drop of
water to cool my parched tongue!?"
- Lightbulb head: total absence of thought (which would equal desire)...
nirvana, inner peace... perfect thoughtless bliss... God-like perfection
C:
Who:
Teenage boy in all red... hurriedly running around the neighborhood apparently
looking for someone. Note: seemed to switch back and forth between butch
Latin mode and totally queeny gayness. Note: when he seemed to find the
person whom he was looking for... he shrieked to them from a block away,
slightly hopped up and down on the balls of his feet, and did that raised-arm
"screwing-in-a-lightbulb" wave that the Queen of England does from her
car when waiving to civilians.
What they are doing: Looking for someone and half heartedly suppressing
desire to start doing supermodel runway moves.
Lifestyle: Lives in a Latin neighborhood and goes to school. All his
friends are girls.
Thinking: "Lightbulb head is fabulous!"
D:
Who:
Latin, pudgy, face-pierced, possibly Mexican homosexual wearing a Joan
Jett/Pete Burns-ish "gothic for summer" outfit with fringe T-shirt sleeves
(homemade with scissors) and wearing headphones.
What they are doing: On his way to pick up club invite flyers to hand
out at the exit of Motherfucker on Saturday night.
Lifestyle: Permanent outcast. Kind of like a black guy at hardcore
punk shows... this guy will always be slightly "off" in his chosen subculture
(gay industrial pierced goths trapped in a timewarp) because of his race.
Twice-weekly attendance at East Village screenings of "The Rocky Horror
Picture Show" prevent him from meeting a boyfriend at SBNY or The Roxy.
Thinking: "Ministry's second album was the best one."
E:
Who:
Possibly actor Wallace Langham (man on right)
What they are doing: Walking towards the East Village possibly being
actor Wallace Langham and catching people's attention because of this (he
caught mine).
Lifestyle: If he really is Wallace Langham: 5:30am call times and baggy
eyes and fame. If he is not Wallace Langham: ordinary life with strange
occasional perks afforded to someone who looks remarkably like Wallace
Langham.
Thinking: "Why do people keep yelling 'Hey Phil!' to me?"
3. Pedestrian
Spy part 3:
A:
Who:
I have seen this guy around for about 2 years. He's semi-homeless and hangs
with the Siesta House crowd. I call him "Jesus". He's kind of young for
a homeless guy... and seems to have had a wild past. Every time I pass
him he is screaming conspiracy nut and anti-government stuff. He seems
like he'd be fun to hang out with.
What they are doing: Walking around scoping the street and connecting
with other members of the Siesta House crowd.
Lifestyle: See: any Raymond
Pettibon drawing.
Thinking: "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count
the votes decide everything."
B:
Who:
I have also seen this woman around for about 4 years. She lives in the
area and also hangs with the Siesta House crowd. She is not homeless. She
is very friendly and a little nutty. She dressed kind of nice for hanging
out with such a "low brow" crowd. I think she just likes the excitement.
She looks like a cross between (actress) Lupe Ontiveros and (John Waters'
actress and greeting card model) Jean Hill. Once I saw her in the back
of the deli I frequent downstairs. She was pouring vodka into three plastic
cups for her friends and mixing it with Libby's Cherry Juicy Juice, stirring
that with a Twix bar, and then eating the Twix. She was out of sight of
the owners and when I saw her she put her finger over her mouth and mouthed
"Shhhhh!". Later I found out she had paid for the juice and candy.
What they are doing: Walking around scoping the street and connecting
with other members of the Siesta House crowd.
Lifestyle: Laughing and tipsy.
Thinking: "That dumpster would make a great serving bar."
C:
Who:
Chinese lady wearing an upside-down tulip flower hat made of wicker. I
see Asian women in these hats all the time. Gays in NYC steal artifacts
from other cultures all the time and make them trendy... why this one hasn't
caught on yet is beyond me.
What they are doing: Walking home and, of course, scraping her white
clogs on the sidewalk loudly.
Lifestyle: Wandering Daoist
Thinking: "The sage has no mind of his own. He is aware of the needs
of others. I am good to people who are good. I am also good to people who
are not good. Because Virtue is goodness. I have faith in people who are
faithful. I also have faith in people who are not faithful. Because Virtue
is faithfulness. The sage is shy and humble - to the world he seems confusing.
Others look to him and listen. He behaves like a little child."
alternated with;
"Why does my mother collect aluminum cans?"
D:
Who:
Strikingly odd Asian woman in black tights, leg warmers, and a brigtly-patterned
maternity dress. Also had a kind of "Holly Hobbit" bonnet on with a different
pattern. Carrying a giant umbrella with yet another pattern.
What they are doing: Walking around in her tin-foil insulated Holly
Hobbit bonnet and her tin-foil insulated umbrella blocking out the Religious
Zombie Satan Jew Cult waves that are trying to erase her memory and replace
her with a clone (she was able to sense my camera and block it out).
Lifestyle: Non-stop, inner-world adventure.
Thinking: "That dumpster would make a great spaceship."
E:
Who:
Fairly homely girl riding bike while wearing flowing tie-dyed dress, Birkenstocks,
and then a bike helmet with a rhinestone tiara on top of it (yes really).
What they are doing: Being free.
Lifestyle: Possibly bi-polar and nuts. Can often be heard loudly saying
things like "I have this habit of getting into conversations with total
strangers!" Personality probably swings between these two realms:
1) Hippie girl optimism and friendliness... everybody's favorite kooky
girl.... lifestyle punctuated with free-form dancing to trance music, giving
strawberry ice cream cones to homeless bums lying in the gutter, pot smoking
and jewelry made out of twine and sticks and weeds she finds in the park
that she then gives to strangers on the street and:
2) A whirlwind of neurotic issues, frustrated/unresolved childhood trauma
and dangerous psychosis and depression, accentuated with pro-active vindictiveness,
relentless judgment of others and eye-for-eye karmic point checking.
Thinking: "The nudist camp this year is going to be wonderful."
4. Pedestrian
Spy 4:
A&B:
Who:
I have seen woman on my street for years. She's brilliant. She wears old
time-y clothes and rides an old bike everywhere. She accentuates this with
a fanny pack. She also has long braided pigtails. She is a bit standoff-ish
but not unfriendly. She seems really smart. She appears to be an activist
of sorts... very political... she probably doesn't like surveillance cameras.
See the black knee-high socks and 1800's black boots? Now that's
brilliant.
She lives in this building on the street that looks like no others, and
it has these really strange old windows. I've walked by before when the
door was open and peaked inside and it looked like Willy Wonka's Chocolate
Factory. I would walk up and introduce myself but I'm afraid if I went
into her place she would offer me rhubarb pie and oat straw tea and show
me her wooden sculpture with a hole in it and make me try her smelling
machine and then teach me the banjo.
What they are doing: Going off to do brilliantly beautiful things I'm
sure. I imagine when she leaves... she rides her bike to a rolling green
hill area with windmills and endless lemonade stands and a non-class society.
Lifestyle: Angelic selfless perfection.
Thinking: "Once I get past those buildings I will fly on my bike."
C:
Who:
Chewbacca Woman
What they are doing: Running inside her building before her Wookie
fur pops out of the human rubber skin mold she has designed to cover her
massive fur.
Lifestyle: Wookie hiding on planet Earth for some reason, disguised
as a human. I have seen this woman before and she is so big and
so
wide and her hair is so huge that I swear she is a Wookie
in disguise. Probably forced to work menial jobs as she can't do anything
where she has to speak because no one can understand "Rhhheeeeuuuuaaaaggghhh!!!
Rhhheeeeuuuuaaaaggghhh!!!" Maybe she could be that person who makes announcements
on subway speakers.
According
to Wookie lore: Wookies are sentient and for the most part, friendly. They
are very loyal to those they trust, but can also be very violent when angered.
They are proficient in hand to hand combat, which is usually the method
used during disputes on his home planet. Their language is a series of
growls, grunts, and roars. Their vocal abilities don't allow them to speak
basic, but most of them do understand it. Their planet is a forest world,
covered in Wroshyr trees, which the Wookies build their cities and homes
in. The trees grow so close together that one can walk on top of the foliage.
Their society is technologically advanced and they have mastered space
travel.
Thinking: "Rhhheeeeuuuuaaaaggghhh!!!"
D&E:
Who:
Two genius teenagers
What they are doing: Riding their bikes really slowly around, one of
which is a hand-made, jerry-rigged tricycle with a giant basket in the
back for a *HUGE* jambox which bass-heavy music was *blasting* out of for
the whole universe to hear. I have mountains of respect for people like
this... god I wish I was young again.
Lifestyle: Endless summer.
Thinking: "We are geniuses and we have so much to look forward to in
life."
5. Pedestrian
Spy 5:
A:
Who:
I have seen this woman (pushing baby) around for the last year or two and
she is a total fucking genius. She is like the female (born), non-ironic
version of Amanda Lepore.
What they are doing: Walking her baby in a stroller and rocking everyone's
world
Lifestyle: She is Latina and probably in her late-20's, early-30's.
She has a triple process blond dye job which she always keeps styled in
oh-la-la "beer calendar girl" styles. She always has on full-glam make-up
but doesn't really need it as she has a very pretty face and nice skin.
She always has on nice jewelry and has her nails done. She has a total
Pamela Anderson-type body she keeps in great shape. She also has a personality
similar to former Texas Governor Anne Richards... but more in your face
(it's a Latina thing). She is always wearing some incredibly sexy outfit...
like a coffee-ice-cream colored ultra-mini and halter top and blazer jacket
with metallic gold pumps and jangling bracelets and a gold hair bracket...
ALL WHILE PUSHING A BABY CART!!! This woman is ALWAYS dressed to the Maxim-Magazine/Telemundo-talk-show-host
EXTREME (she kind of seems dressed down here in this photo) and is never
without a huge sexy smile and a big wave to everyone. I have never seen
her with a husband or boyfriend so I think she's a single mom. I have also
never seen this woman not "on" and not taking care of her kid (which is
a boy and is totally adorable - she dresses him in little baby baseball
uniform outfits). I think this woman gets up at 5am every morning for her
morning feedings AND to get the Farrah-curls and mascara just right. I
have NEVER seen her without her baby... and I saw her before she had it
and she was wearing a maternity dress... full hair and make-up and high
heels. All the guys in the neighborhood know her and wave to her and always
say things like "Ohhh momma you are beautiful!!!" and she always smiles
and waves back and says "Thanks boys! You havin' a good day!?" and it totally
makes their week. She also seems to be friends with all the women around.
Just walking past her on the street is as refreshing as a tall, cool glass
of water. She has zero attitude and is a shining ray of bright sunshine
every time I see her.
Thinking: "I love life." (and really meaning it)
B:
Who:
Totally normal, non-threatening, non-weird person
What they are doing: Something normal
Lifestyle: Nothing weird or creepy or sinister going
on here folks! So sir-reee! Yep... A-OK! Everything's f-i-i-i-n-n-n-e-e-e!!!
Thinking: "I smell chiiiillll-dreeeen..."
C:
Who:
Anatomically stereotypical radical feminist performance artist
What they are doing: "Messing" with male, white corporate society minds
on the Lower East Side by pushing a giant vagina with a baby's head popping
out of it (and an audio cassette blasting Miss Piggy reading from Valerie
Solanis' 'S.C.U.M. Manifesto') on wheels ...while on her way to a woman-only
poetry reading and Ducky Doolittle cake-sitting-on performance over at
Blue Stockings book store
Lifestyle: Post-Annie Sprinkle, post-Dada, post-Aileen Wuornos, post-riot
grrrl matriarchal revolution clown school freak-a-zoid nerd genius
Thinking: "Fuck yea!!!"
D:
Who:
Shimmering American Indian Fashionista ghost lady
What they are doing: Shimmering and evaporating and disappearing and
re-appearing all over the place at once... only visible through people's
peripheral vision. Wearing Prada. Forgetting she's an astral projection
and trying to drink a blueberry soy smoothy through a straw and having
it spill all through her and onto the concrete below. Always wondered what
those spilled stains on the concrete are? They're from ghosts who dry to
drink stuff.
Lifestyle: Floating through unknown realms and making sure anyone who
needs special help is getting it... guarding against evil big and small...
helping the meek... levitating expensive dresses right out the doors of
Upper East Side boutiques and placing them at the feet of women who can't
afford them (the salespeople are always too shocked to do anything)...
considering her Native American plight and why there are no American Indian
supermodels... wearing kick-ass invisible clothes and shoes...
Thinking: "I think I'll materialize in people's bedrooms tonight and
watch them having sex after I float up to my inter-dimensional cloud house
and change outfits."
E:
Who:
Ice cream truck
What they are doing: Playing a horribly loud recording of a music box
ice cream man song and making people's ears bleed
Lifestyle: Playing an awful and ear-splitting, scratchy, blaring recording
at top volume and driving people insane. Selling cheap but colorful ice
cream that people buy mostly to use to stick in their ears to soothe and
stop the bleeding. Learning sign language. Starting a "noise war" with
the sandal-scraping Asian ladies to see who can make the most apocalyptic,
building-rattling racket.
Thinking: "Hey! I could use the blood from people's ears as ice cream
syrup!"
Mark
Allen's Top Seven Things
for
July 7th, 2003
Copyright
2003 Mark Allen
1. Seeing
a fat woman jogging endless miles around the aromatic Dunkin' Donuts factory
in industrial town, Brooklyn
On a recent day trip on my bike to industrial town, Brooklyn (see June
30th 'Top Ten', #2)... I noticed this one section of the endless strips
of large warehouses and factories that had the amazing and mind-blowing
aroma of freshly cooking doughnuts wafting through the air all around it.
As I rode my bike closer and closer to the smell... I realized the scent
wasn't just wafting, it was all-consuming. It smelled like you were drowning
in a vat of fresh glazed doughnuts and it was weirdly nirvana-y. I soon
came across an entire fenced-off block of white buildings and white cylindrical
silos with steam coming out of them and white trucks all lined up in rows.
It looked like something out of a Jacques Tati film.
The scent in the air wasn't just the smell of fresh baking doughnuts...
it was the overpowering, visceral, nostril-seducing, brain-tickling inhaling
gasp
of giant ovens baking with fresh glazed giant doughnuts in a giant bakery
somewhere off in giant land. It's like just inhaling the air was enough
to make you have constant orgasms. I'm serious... it smelled
that good!
It's like it was some kind of weird endorphin coaxer. Smelling it made
me feel like I could maybe flap my arms gently and kick my feet at the
air and kind of... levitate off my bike. I imagine that that is what the
air in Heaven smells like.
Inhaling the angelic air put this automatic smile on your face and made
your G.I. track start rumbling. It was the hush-hush secret of new age
aromatherapists. I mean... you're not gonna walk into Dream Catcher Hut
and ask for a bottle of fresh doughnut smell oil...
The very molecules in the atmosphere seemed to come with microscopic sprinkles
or cream filling. I mean... it was so overpowering... but in no way nauseating...
you wanted to pass out from it... it was like surrendering to death. It
was pungent bliss. Plus the fact that there was beautiful, silent space
all around me... and it was dusk and there was a beautiful sun set and
there was no one around just the whisper of distant factory sounds and
birds... made it that much more deliciously serene.
So I started to notice that the pink and orange spots I was seeing everywhere
against all the white structures were not purple eye spots... but the logo
of none other than Dunkin' Donuts. The logo was everywhere. On the building.
On the white silos with steam coming out of them. On the trucks. On the
other building. On the "employee parking" sign.
So, logically... I was at a Dunkin' Donuts factory or processing plant
or something. That's what the smell was. God it smelled good. See how I
can't stop talking about it? And you couldn't escape it. Wow it was incredible.
So I stopped, and I'm just sitting there on my bike... taking it all in
and freaking out on the psychological effects of overpowering baking doughnut
smell. I started to notice someone way waaaaay off in the distance jogging
towards me. Most of the land around the massive Dunkin' Donuts complex
was empty lots... so you could really see people coming. Plus the fact
that this person was really the only person I could see for miles made
their approaching mass a real focal point.
Soon I realized it wasn't the heat illusion on the hot road that was making
the person appear all jiggly. I realized that the figure approaching me
was a rather overweight woman... and she was jogging. An overweight woman
in a light blue sweatshirt and sports pants that went *swoooosh* *swoooosh*
when her inner thighs passed each other... jogging right next to a Dunkin'
Donuts plant where the scent of fresh baked sweets was so mentally overpowering
that the FDA should probably look into it. Funny.
Pretty soon she passed me... yep. She was pretty heavy indeed. Not too
overweight, but near it. She didn't wave or anything... she just jogged
passed me and then made a left at the end of the road. I just stood there
next to my bike and kept breathing. God it tasted good to breath. Soon...
about five minutes later... I saw the same woman coming near me again...
from the same direction as before. She was circling the giant, half-mile
wide Dunkin' Donuts factory and breathing in the scent of fresh baked doughnuts
as
her jogging route! It was brilliant! As her breathing increased I'm
sure the sweet, sweet air penetrated her nostrils and it felt like she
was eating a dozen glazed with ever pound-losing step! This woman had FOUND
A WAY!!! She was brilliant!!! This woman was a fucking genius!
The look on her face was remarkably ecstatic... like she was lost in a
dream as she was sweating it out. She seemed to be strumming along in her
own world of "personal best" - but also strangely pumped up and psyched
for the occasion. I think the wind tunnels of fresh pastry moving in and
out of her body at great speeds must have really inspired her.
There's something uniquely endearing and weirdly inspirational about seeing
overweight people jogging or exercising. Not that I think people need to
be slim... but when you see someone that heavy making an effort to take
pounds off it kind of humbles you. I mean... it's much harder for them
to jog than a "normal" weighted person. It's like ...wow.
As the beautiful sun began to set all around us and the tiny traffic headlights
whizzed past in the far foreground... and the birds and horns and distant
machine sounds hummed and purred... and the sweet, sweet smell of fresh
doughnuts never let you forget it was all around you... I saw her pass
me at least three more times. She must have done several miles at least.
I began to think of the embryonic comfort that urban and suburban settings
such as this one can provide.
But also, I began to think of Richard Simmons. I began to think about all
the times I had seen him on television and laughed at his wacked-out image
(a wacked-out image he obviously played up on talk shows like 'David Letterman'
and 'Howard Stern'). I mean... I liked to laugh at Richard Simmons because
of his insanity and the bizarre multi-empire he's built around helping
grossly overweight people by selling strange videos of jiggly people with
overly-enthusiastic, awkward smiles - doing klunky aerobics to saxophone
music. It may have been the stench of doughnuts in the air and the sublime
Summer night air... but now I was beginning to see Richard in a whole new
light. An angelic light. I remembered a time I saw him on a bed in a woman's
home... a woman who was so fat she literally couldn't get out of bed. I
saw Richard drop his clown-like persona and caress the sobbing woman's
grossly engorged calves as he cried too. I remember Richard crying against
background music of synthesized strings, as he looked into the woman's
teary face and tell her that it was going to be okay... that he new what
steps she had to take to get rid of the weight... that it was going to
be hard but that he and his associates would be there to guide her. Suddenly
Richard Simmons seemed like some kind of God-like saint to me. The memory
of the talk show appearance with him and the bed-ridden woman seemed like
the memory of a 16th century religious painting I had seen at the Louvre.
As the huffing and puffing jogging woman passed me yet again and the smell
of delicious doughnuts got even more heavenly... I realized how genius
Richard Simmons was (or his image at least). I mean... there's nothing
better than that when you need help. Someone who's been down there and
knows what you're going through. Someone standing over you and giving you
"advice" is one thing... but nothing is more powerful than someone crouching
down... looking you in the eye... taking your hand and saying to you "It's
gonna be okay. It's really gong to be hard to get out of this... but I've
got your hand. Follow me... I'll show you step by step what I know and
I will be there the whole time. It's gonna be rough and there may be some
surprises for the both of us... in fact you might not make it... but I'm
going to do my best to help you and I've got your back the whole time.
I know I'm doing this also for the television cameras a little bit... but
don't worry, I've got you."
If only doughnuts could be so sweet.
2. François
Ozon's new film "Swimming Pool"
The remarkably unique and oddly surprising (most of the time) films of
French director François Ozon's have always delighted me when I
have had the luck to catch them. His movies blend stylish, colorful film
calisthenics with deep character studies of people that look ordinary on
the outside (most of the time) but are highly unordinary on the inside,
and find themselves in increasingly unordinary circumstances (all the time).
Watching Ozon's new film, "Swimming
Pool", was, unfortunately for me, an unordinary situation that I found
myself in... and it's brilliant but then thwarted outcome had me ultimately
longing for the ordinary. The first three fourths - filled with fascinating
character examinations, carefully constructed plot, laugh-out-loud humor
and looming suspense, and then it's ending - filled with brilliant, multi-layered,
multi-interpretive dream/memory semiotic loop-de-loops ...well, it all
ended up being a litmus test for my newly stunted (but probably temporary)
tolerance for filmic abstraction.
The economically deep story begins with frustrated, exhausted and highly
successful middle-aged English mystery novelist Sarah Morton (played with
twisted, subtle comic brilliance by Charlotte Rampling) visiting her slightly
untrustworthy editor in London. Sarah laments to him at the lack of anything
new in her life, and the effect it is having on her new book. The editor
convinces her to take a leave - off to his breezy French chateau in the
gorgeous French countryside... after all... he's not using it and she will
finally be alone and allowed to unwind from grimy London life and perhaps
the creative chemicals will begin to flow through her brain anew. So off
she goes... leaving her dreary world behind... and arrives at a fairy tale,
two-story summer house in a quaint and sunny/breezy French village. Alone...
at last. Rampling portrays a near twenty-minute sequence in the film here
exquisitely... with no words and all body language... we see her turn from
a prune-on-a-stick into a (clumsily) re-born, self-actualized being...
sashaying around her luscious isolation, partaking in the smiley radiance
of at last having room to swing your arms and the sometimes ironic tediousness
of finally having nothing to do. And yes... she is finally beginning to
write again too.
Ahhhh... but not for long! What's that noise she hears from her upstairs
sleeping quarters on the second night? A burglar? A rapist? Whoever it
is, they have arrived by car and appear to be breaking into the chateau
in the middle of the night! Gasp! Sarah hurriedly arms herself with a lamp
and descends the under-lit staircase with apprehension, seemingly plucked
right out of her lackadaisical vacation and plunged right into the middle
of one of her whodunits. When she enters the living room she discovers
...not a criminal ...but the sex-bomb, teenage daughter of her editor,
Julie (played by French stunner Ludivine Sagnier). After exchanging "Who
are yous?" - the two figure out that neither had been informed of the other's
presence... and although young Julie's optimistic "let's make the best
of it..." optimism is a good start towards friendliness... the suddenly-stiff-again
Sarah is having none of it. "You Bastard!" she secretly scream/whispers
into the phone to her editor's answering machine in London in a mere few
minutes "How dare you not tell me your daughter would be staying
here too! Howdoyouexpectmetogeddanyworkdonenow!?!?" ...then hangs up and
turns to Julie, who has just entered the room again, stating calmly "Well...
I... guess I couldn't reach your father in London. [awkward pause] Well...
goodnight then." and walks out of the room to bed (still holding the lamp).
Julie's facial expression seems to say "Yea... so what?" (an expression
she wears most of the film - yet that Sagnier as an actress amazingly works
into many dimensions).
What ensues the following next few days is a hilarious game of lanky, seductive
cat and mousy, mousy brown mouse. Sarah retreats back to her stiff,
guarded persona... playing uppercrust Miss Gulch/Virgina Woolf to Julie's
smooth and know-it-all Brigitte Bardot/Kelly Bundy. The eternally un-sexed
and increasingly lesbionic Sarah seems offended but intrigued by the luscious
Julie. In one hysterical scene... a completely topless and wet Julie plops
down beside Sarah who is writing in a lawn chair next to the pool. "What
are you writing?" she obliviously coos. "I need to be left alone so I can
concentrate!" barks Sarah... with Julie's luscious, wet, totally naked
breasts orbulating and hovering mere inches from her face. "Suit yourself
Miss Marple" Julie quips back as she bounces off. The Maxim-set and fans
of the female form will squirm in their seats at the beautiful nude body
of Sagnier... which the camera literally crawls over under bright sunlight
and beneath glistening sweat and pool water. Sagnier as an actress certainly
doesn't seem afraid of (many) nude scenes... and at times seems moments
away from a full-on beaver shot.
The tension escalates. When Sarah isn't yelling at Julie to stay out of
her way so she can concentrate, she's peering over her shoulder to discover
her secrets... and when Julie isn't trying to get Sarah to lighten up...
she's sunbathing nude by the pool and drunkenly bringing home (shockingly)
ugly men to have loud sex with in the living room late at night (much to
Sarah's audial horror).
But soon it appears that, within the tight quarters of the house, indeed
a mystery is at foot... with it unclear as to whom is obsessed by
whom and who is playing with whom. Sarah soon become obsessed with Julie
and her exploits, and begins proactively stalking and writing about her...
sneaking into her room and discovering her diary (which she transcribes
into her laptop). Then Julie begins doing strange things like disappearing
into the woods with a troll-of-a-trick from the night before and
the geriatric pool man... not coming home at all one night and then mysteriously
re-appearing the next day with bruises on her face.
Is something sinister going on with Julie? It's about to. When Julie discovers
Sarah's notes about her in the laptop... she secretly vows revenge... then
enacts it my seducing a local waiter Sarah had her eye on and bringing
him back to the house to rub in Sarah's face. In another hilarious scene,
Julie and the waiter coax a shrinking Sarah into bump-and-grind dance-a-thon
with them after getting stoned. Sarah's clunky, pathetic jiggle next to
Julie and the waiter's sexy, rhythmic slither falls somewhere between Lucille
Ball and Herman Munster.
But after a hopeful but out-witted Sarah finally retreats to bed... the
waiter turns the tables on Julie's revenge plot by refusing to sleep with
her and praising the more "classy" Sarah. A fight between the two ensues
out on the lawn just as Sarah is putting her earplugs in up in bed and
turning out the light. The next morning... surreal clues lead Sarah to
believe an increasingly malicious Julie may have killed the waiter in a
fit of rage and hid the body.
Sarah gets on her scooter and zips all over town... aghast! She's asking
locals about the waiter's whereabouts... following clues and leads (including
a shocking, Lynch-ian run in with a muppet-like midget woman in a darkened
doorway). With the wind whipping against Sarah's fishing hat as she races
around town on her bike with a look of determination, and dodging Julie's
growing secrecy with sneaky skill... it appears that Miss Marple is indeed
on the case!
"Wow! What's going to happen next!" I thought to myself... sitting in the
theater straight up in my seat, my legs crossed, my hands together and
fingers interlocked at my knee - face upwards, wide eyed with suspense
and wonderment.
ATTENTION! IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE FILM... I AM GOING TO SPOIL IT FOR YOU
AHEAD. BUT NOTE: I RECOMMEND SEEING THIS HIGHLY UNIQUE FILM... AT LEAST
THE FIRST THREE FOURTHS, WHICH ARE SUPERB... BUT FEEL FREE TO WALK OUT
BEFORE THE LAST FIFTEEN MINUTES.
What happens next... Denis Lim from the Village Voice (in his review of
the film) called "...turns into a Polanski mind-fuck... but where's The
Knife In the Water?" ultimately adding; "...you come up for air realizing
there's no deep end." Hahahaha! Indeed.
It turns out that... what? Oh... maybe the whole scenario was in Sarah's
head? Oh... okay... maybe the daughter was never there and maybe she murdered
the waiter... maybe she didn't...oh okay... unh-huh... oh maybe she was
fantasy-ly becoming her editor's ex-wife in her head... that maybe she
was in love with ...oh I see maybe she slipped into crazy-la-la-land and
is sitting in a padded room somewhere imagining it... oh there's the REAL
daughter in the editor's office... wait... oh okay... no it's okay... that's
brilliant, really. Multi-layered and everything. No... that's real smart.
Mmmmhmmm.
I was sooooooooo wanting to see a resolution to what was becoming an increasingly
clever, brilliant, suspenseful, unique and often funny story. I wanted
to see a logical conclusion. Instead what I got was fifteen minutes of
Night
Gallery-esque montages and dream-sequence maybes. Ozon had gone to
masterful trouble to built intense and multi-faceted characters... and
then place them in a twistedly simple and spellbinding story. But by the
last reel... when an "imagined" Julie and Sarah are burying the body of
the waiter in the back yard (in one of several reality-rewinds) and then
plotting their alibis... they seem about deep as Thelma and Louise.
I love Ozon's work... and Polanski/Molholland Drive metaphysics
are certainly on my list of cinema wows. But on this hot July night inside
a cool movie theater in NYC... I would have welcomed a delightfuly human
and quirky Miss Marple solving the weirdly weird case ...with open arms.
3. Another trash
SCORE!!!
I spied this one in
the fenced-in, empty lot next to my building. Air-freshener pine green
with near-plastic wood painted cake batter beige - decorated with "brass"
tacks... standing at a slight tilt amongst the tousled, breeze-blown grass
and rat communities. When I saw one of the supers emptying the trash and
disseminating recycling flyers I asked him if it was trash. He said "Wot?
Yooo wont? You take! Yes! Yes! Ci! Ci! You may have! I let you in?" and
he opened the forbidden gates. This has become my new computer chair believe
it or not. With my taxidermy and this chair... all I need is fake wood
paneling and my place will really start to shine. Actor Justin Theroux
(the film director character in Mulholland Drive) recently had a
write
up in the NYT about furnishing his Manhattan apartment with 100% garbage.
You can listen to it here. You can read the long version here.
Life is filled with pleasant surprises. Well not "filled" - maybe... "sprinkled?" "Accentuated?" No... uh... "infrequently visited by?" Okay that sounds more realistic... but it doesn't sound very hopeful does it? NPR finally played my "Stendhal Syndrome..." piece. They cut out all references to Stendhal Syndrome, so it just sounds like I'm randomly nuts (is that so bad?) and there is a part where I imitate a female tour leader named "Tammy" in the piece. Originally... we had discussed altering those voice parts to make my female-imitated voice sound like it was coming through a megaphone (which it was in the story). But they didn't do that and now I sound like some weird Richard Simmons/Rip Taylor/Candy Darling hybrid. My web friend Jennifer Sharpe of the superb Sharpeworld.com (down for now) heard it in CA... and emailed me "...it's funny because I work with the radio on all day, half listening, and very few things actually penetrate my consciousness. So it was actually the sound of gayness [in your voice] that broke through and made me focus." adding; "That would be a nice quality to have as a president -- penetrating gayness."
I can't listen to myself in those parts of the monologue without cringing... not to mention the piece starts off with that voice. But hey - who's complaining!? Seriously... on the whole I think it sounds really good. I'm thrilled they played it. And I'm sure I'll be doing some more pieces for them soon.
5. "Intellectual
tasting of life will not supersede muscular activity." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the great,
simple joys of life is exercise. I have often thought this while jogging
over copulating rats and homeless corpses in trash bags in my neighborhood.
A slow endorphin rush sustained for 8 hours as a result of a rigorous bike
ride, jog, pick-up football game or gangbang will always be the smart choice
over heroin or crack. Endorphin irrigation through your body by means of
exercise leaves you feeling fantastic, clear-headed and hungry for life
- as well as fortuitously improving your appearance from the ground floor
up... heroin and crack leave you feeling like that in the beginning but
then it all reverses over time and you end up worse in all those departments
than when you started and less than back to square 1... like square
negative 10... and that's no good... unless thats the look you're going
for. But actually all those facial "tics" you get from some drugs might
be a good facial workout... but then why do all those addicts look 30 years
older than they are?
Wait, where was I?
Oh yea... okay... FACIAL
EXERCISE. I was recently *ROCKED* by the news that one of the
most widely practiced and most unknown forms of exercise is facial exercise!
Yep. It turns out facial exercises are not for general health but are for
appearance only. By toning the muscles in your face (of which there are
lots)
you can seriously "enhance" your face and take years off your appearance.
It's true!
The scalp and the face
are made up of 10 groups of muscles. These groups appear on the forehead,
around the eyes, in the cheeks, around the lips, within the chin and finally
in the neck. When we hit our 30's - things start to "slide" - if the muscles
are not toned via exercise the face will sag and portray an older look.
If you're a social butterfly and spend a lot of time in crowds talking
constantly and making expressions all the time - your face will naturally
get a workout daily. Also if you're some character actor who works daily
in the theater... and spend all day on stage making exaggerated faces -
then again you're naturally gonna work those muscles and you probably don't
need to make an extra effort. But if you're one of those types who's afraid
of other humans and sits in front of a computer all day... or likes to
go sit in the corner and be still... watch out.
Toned muscles give
the face a natural lift , smoother skin, a younger look and an overall
brighter appearance. It's true. I found these exercises on the web... there
are countless sites listing simple ones you can do... and each "list" of
individual exercises vary from "expert" to "expert". They recommend doing
them in front of a mirror, but I just did them right in front of my computer
screen. You're face will look very "horror movie victim"/extreme retard
while doing them... but that's good. You're making these twisted contortions
to work muscles in your face that normally don't. Afterwards... especially
the next day... some parts of your face will feel weirdly hard and stiff...
but that's good. Here you go:
Before you start:
- Sit in front of a mirror to check
technique. Remember, these muscles are untrained so you will need to practice.
- Shoulders and neck need to be
relaxed so do a little mobility work (raising shoulders to ears then down,
circling shoulders a few times)
and stretch these areas
before you workout.
- Ease into each movement and hold
for 6-8 seconds (unless where noted), then slowly release.
- Repeat each exercise 5 times.
- Take a deep breath in between
each repetition.
Here's a good set of five:
1. Forehead:
Firm up your brow.
Place your index fingers on your forehead, just above your eyelids.
Pull your fingers down
while attempting to raise your eyebrows. Repeat 10 times.
2. Eyes:
Attempt to raise your
lower eyelids without moving your upper lids. Easier said than done. But
a great defense against crows feet.
Repeat 10 times.
3. Cheeks:
Form an exaggerated
"O" with your mouth by pushing your lips out as far as possible. Now smile
is brightly as you can.
Hold for 1 sec, then
form the "O" shape again. Hold for 1 second. Repeat 10 times.
4. Lips:
Place the tip (up to
the first joint) of your index finger in your mouth. Suck it as hard as
possible.
Slowly pull your finger
from your mouth, Repeat 10 times.
5. Neck and chin:
Look straight into
the mirror. Using one hand, place the index finger and thumb against the
base of your neck.
Gentle pull the skin
down as you raise your head. Repeat 10 times.
Here's another set I found, with some
variations of the above:
1. "Beat the Double Chin"
Keep back teeth together,
extend chin forwards. Lift bottom lip over top lip. Press tip of your tongue
against roof of your mouth.
2. "Lose the Lip Lines"
Thumbs under top lip,
thumb nails resting against your gums. Contract upper lip muscles in small
movements to press thumbs.
3. "Rock Your Jawline"
Head up, chin forward,
upper lip gripped behind lower teeth. Feel stretch in front of neck. Slowly
smile without losing grip of top lip.
4. "The Eyes Have It"
Place index fingers
under eyebrows, thumbs on side of head.
Push eyebrows up and
hold by pressing against eye socket bone. Gently close the eyes.
5. "For Your Eyes Only"
Place palms on forehead
to fix eyebrows in place. Gradually open eyes as wide as possible.
Release and look down,
as low as you can.
6. Now this
is sexy!
(www.OnlyUndiesClub.com)
With my website being
a gay site by default... a lot of guys email me asking me why I don't have
more nude photos of myself and porn and dirty writing and stuff. I have
nothing against gay men loving pornography... it's just that porn in the
gay community often acts like a moron magnet. I think
this
pretty much sums up my thoughts on the subject, or what I want those people
who ask that of me to see. It's that same rage that you feel when someone
is acting ignorant... do you ever feel that? That's what I feel for people
who are trying to get my attention in that manner. I want to see their
presumption razzed, and mocked.
In her multi-regenerative
and still very remarkable book, "Sexual
Personae", Camille Paglia states (quoted a bit out of order here):
"Pornography is pure pagan imagism. Just as a poem is ritually limited verbal expression, so is pornography ritually limited visual expression of the daemonism of sex and nature. Every shot, every angle in pornography, no matter how silly, twisted or pasty, is yet another attempt to GET THE WHOLE PICTURE of the enormity of chthonian nature. Is pornography art? Yes. Art is contemplation and conceptualization, the ritual exhibitionism of primal mysteries. Art makes order of nature's cyclonic brutality. Art, I said, is full of crimes. The ugliness and violence in pornography reflect the ugliness and violence in nature."Zzzzzzzzzzzz... huh? Wha? Oh... ok, ok... okay.
...and;
"Pornography's male-born explicitness renders visible what is invisible; woman's chthonian internality. It tries to shed Apollonian light on woman's anxiety-provoking darkness. The vulgar contortionism of pornography is the serpentine tangle of Medusan nature. Pornography is human imagination in tense theatrical action; it's violations are a protest against the violations of our freedom by nature. The banning of pornography, rightly sought by Judeo-Christianity, would be a victory over the west's stubborn paganism. But pornography cannot be banned, only driven underground, where it's illicit charge will be enhanced. Pornography's amoral pictorialism will live forever as a rebuke to the humanistic cult of the redemptive world. Words cannot save the cruel flux of pagan nature."
"Profanation and violation are part of the perversity of sex, which never will conform to liberal theories of benevolence. Every model of morality or politically correct sexual behavior WILL BE SUBVERTED, by nature's daemonic law."
...and;
"An aesthetics and erotics of profanation - evil for the sake of evil, the sharpening of the senses by cruelty and torture - have been documented by Sade, Baudelaire, and Huysmans." "Criminals throughout history, from Nero and Caligula to Gilles de Rais and the Nazi commandants, have never needed pornography to stimulate their exquisite, gruesome inventiveness. The diabolic human mind is quite enough."
...and;
"Our knowledge of these fantasies is expanded by pornography, which is why pornography should be tolerated, though it's public display may be reasonably restricted. The imagination cannot and must not be policed. Pornography shows us nature's daemonic heart, those eternal forces at work beneath and beyond social convention"
Having said that... here is a completely fascinating and totally sexy "porn" website (OnlyUndiesClub.com) that I find saucer-eyed and open fire hydrant-mouthed fun, prone to (my) obsession, and completely WOW. Maybe it's just that it's refreshing in comparison to everything else. The male and female sections are divided into the "briefs" and "bras" categories. There is no nudity on the site at all... and it's all pictures of men and women amateurs (of all persuasions) submitting photos of themselves in their underwear - the more creative the entry the better. Not only is there some superb photography in the site... but there are some mind-blowingly sexy guys and girls included here. I think it's their laughing smiles that do it. I think humor is what I find sexy.
7. Things they
were too shortsighted to teach you in design class 101...
...can now be found at a small but wow late 70's/early 80's So Cal punk
show flyer archive ...at WEIRDTRONIX.