Mark Allen's Top Six for 8/22/05:
1. New disability interview - Derek Douglas
I've interviewed another person with a physical disability. His name is Derek Douglas, and he graciously offered to answer any question I could think to ask. Derek lost his right hand and most of his forearm in an accident. Go here to read the interview.
2. The Racially Profiled Mugshot of Dorian Grey
Worried about your own potential for terrorism in America's airports and subways? Sooth your orange-level jitters at FaceAnalyzer.com, an online face photo analysis service that not only racially profiles you before you get a chance to get hassled by bored, underpaid security personnel at LaGuardia, but also decides what gender you are (in case you're confused), rates your "gay factor," lets you know how well you get along with "Boss Types" and "Drifter Types" and "Academics" (all three of which could easily be pipe bomb makers), and lets you know if you suffer from any personality disorders or rage problems.
Submit a clear face photo (you ham!), and then you're ready for scrutiny! Oh yea, you have to register at the non-secured site first. Anyway, the binary panel not only judges you like the book cover you obviously are, but it also matches you up to other terrorist cells... oops, I mean "friend groups" so you can hook up with like-minded, free-floating agents who can equally fool security devices. You can all then get together for an explosive night in the city and paint the town red!
So take your best surveillance camera-ready, racially-neutral face shot over to FaceAnalyzer.com, where the terrorist threat color code is always a pastoral shade of green, and your mug shot can be cast in a permanent tint of (Dorian) gray...
I did a little experiment at FaceAnalyzer.com, I submitted two photos of myself from two different periods of my life... what did FaceAnalyzer.com have to say about the two "different" "me's"? Read on...
The first photo (below) is my old Plano, Texas high school senior yearbook photo, which shows me in full repressed, Southern Baptist Stepford Teen-mode - where I did nothing but study, go to church, live in a deep, deep shell and figure out ways to keep the real me hidden from the real world better than even Bin Laden does now. Ahh youth - the best years of my life!
- I am 88% South East Asian race
- My gender is male
- Intelligence: 6.9, Risk: 4.6, Ambition: 6.0, Gay Factor: 1.3, Honor: 4.5, Promiscuity: 1.7.
- I don't get along with "Boss Types" or "Gambler Types" but do get chummy with "Blue Collar" and "White Collar" types. "Gambler Types" see me as a fool and "Drifter Types" relate to my relaxed nature. The style of dress I am most likely to adopt is "Goth" and my best choice of profession is "Chef," "Cashier" or "Unskilled Laborer." I like to use drugs and my emotions fluctuate fairly often, resulting in "incredible highs" and "devastating lows."
- My "celebrity match" is Conan O'Brian.
The second photo (below), taken many years later on a drug-fueled night at Manhattan's The Cock, some time in the late 90's, shows me and my friend Ricardo high as satellites at 6AM on crystal meth, dancing to blaring Sylvester tunes and trying to start a fashion trend by wearing shirts that we stole earlier from a dead body stretched over our shoulders, right before we retired to the club's back room where we participated in some quadruple fisting and then ritualistically sacrificed a human baby that some Satanist smuggled into the club. A typical night.
- I am 81% Korean/Japanese and 19% South East Asian race
- My gender is female
- Intelligence: 6.4, Risk: 4.0, Ambition: 9.1, Gay Factor: 0.5, Honor: 1.4, Promiscuity: 9.0.
- I feel that "Boss Types" are bullies, and that they have "no pity" for me. I feel that "Charmer Types" and "Gambler Types" are stuck up, but I "act fake around them" because I see them as "verbal abusers" and "barbaric." I tend to associate with lazy types who are "undriven and low." I "must know everything that is going on" in my social circle and "spend a lot of time talking to others to find out the latest gossip." People generally do not trust me and I have a habit of attacking people that "I feel think too highly of themselves." The style that I am most likely to adopt is "conservative/preppy" and my best choice of profession is "Sales Representative," "Aesthetician" or "Hair Stylist." I should not use drugs.
- My "celebrity match" is Jennifer Lopez.
But the question remains... which one of me is more likely to blow up a plane? Vive le difference!
(thanks to reader Joel who turned me onto this!)
3. "He felt that I was speaking directly to him. He thought that all of the songs were talking to him, that I was playing them just for him."
My fellow citizens and those of you who may be radio DJs, consider this a public service message in the interest of your well-being. After fellow WFMU DJ Pseu Braun's recent write-up on "DJs gone bad," I've decided to turn my attention to the offense end of the dark court where the DJ/listener relationship lobs (wilts?) back and forth... that lithium-dulled elephant in the studio (on hold just for you at the request line): the "listener gone bad." Let's face it: to a sanity-challenged, occasionally violent, needy warp-job of a human, radio DJs (so easily obtainable with the flick of a knob) are virtually like fish in a barrel.
A typical DJs face-less, booming, God-like voice is like a wet palette (or a cutting board) for any wrong person's free-floating delusions - an invisible neurosis-magnet if you will. Just Google "stalk murder DJ radio host" and you'll find a veritable shooting gallery of famously tragic cases from all over the globe. And it's a shame indeed.
However, in my research for this post, I did notice one key factor in the survive-ability of stalked DJs: the ones who made the biggest extroverted drama-queen scream-y fit over their ordeal, from the very beginning, are the ones who are still alive. So DJs, next time you get an email from a listener that seems a tad too informed of your private life, or a phone call from a song-requester that's a little "odd"... don't shrink like a wallflower! Go seizure-fit ape-shit right there and then! Point your finger and screech like Donald Sutherland at the end of the re-make of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!" Yell "ST-ST-STA-STALKER!" dramatically into the phone or at the computer screen that holds the sinister email! Let EVERYONE see you! Point out that listener's suspicious and inappropriate attention without a moment's hesitation! Do not give that potential stalker even a micro-second to start creeping you out... you need to completely crack-out and over-spazz from second one! If you're live on the air, even better! You just go downright banana peel-smoking, speed-monkey, shout-y crackers! Interrupt the music right in studio, live on the air, and yelp in tear-gulping terror at the top of your lungs just like Adrienne Barbeau in "The Fog" "AHHHH!! STAY AWAY FROM THE FOG!! I'M BEING STALKED!! AAAGGGHHH!!" Do not give a moment's consideration to how foolish or delusional you might seem yourself... it could be the most humiliating, but smartest, thing you ever do!
Some cases in point:
One of the most famous and tragic cases of radio host stalking is the one of controversial and legendary radio personality Alan Berg. On June 18th, 1984, DJ Alan Berg (then of KOA-AM Denver) was gunned down in the driveway of his home by a member of a white supremacist group as a result of his outrageous and popular show, and the views he expressed on the air. Berg had received threats before the shooting occured. Berg's case was, of course, the loosely-based subject of the 1988 Eric Bogosian film "Talk Radio."
DJ Bob Cooke, of Tuscon, Arizona's KWFM-FM, was killed by a deranged fan (whom had been sending Cooke threats) in August of 1982. The murder occured in the barren, late-night parking lot of a nightclub where he had just done a live broadcast.
Program director and host of a political radio program in Surat Thani, Thailand, Witayudh Saengsopit (2nd item on link), was murdered by gunmen on his way into the station's building to host a show in April of 2001. Saengsopit was actually under police protection after finding a grenade placed under the gate to his office.
The host of "Total Information A.M." (at St. Louis' KMOX-AM), Nan Wyatt, was shot inside her home in February of 2003 by an obsessive fan who was obviously not a morning person, and was later revealed to actually be her husband (does that still count as an obsessive, deranged listener?)
Of course, besides crazed listeners and obsessive fans, sometimes DJs turn on each other, a Hell from which there is probably no advice I can give towards you escaping:
In September of 2001, Miami's popular 104.7-FM hip-hop DJ, Al Moss, was shot to death upon answering the door to his home. The gunmen were actually striking the final blow in an ongoing dispute over airspace involving a different local pirate radio station (Moss lived on the pirate station's premises) and inadvertently shot Moss thinking he was someone else (but don't get your hopes up - their intended target was indeed another DJ).
In October of 2002, Latham, New York DJ Irving Bynum (aka: 'DJ Biz') was shot and slashed as he left the studios of WAJZ-FM (he survived). Police arrested none other than a rival DJ in the attempted murder, one Aristelle Thomas (aka: DJ 'Air Alert'), who was apprehended days after he gave chase, abandoned the car and weapons, and disappeared into the woods.
And sometimes the listener's ill-will against DJs take a more passive aggressive, surreal approach... which might be a good thing for all considered:
In September of 2004, radio listener Billy Wayne Miles, an oxygen-tank/scooter-bound Texas man suffering from obesity and diabetes, bizarrely made bomb threats to a nearby parking garage after a local radio station (KMCM-FM) refused to play his Fats Domino request. No one was hurt, and Miles is now facing felony charges.
This leads to my all-important point. Most of these awful crimes are often nipped in the bud by DJs and radio hosts who waste no time in getting the law and coworkers involved (however uncooperative the law and coworkers may be in the beginning) when it comes to the potentially dangerous over-attention of weird listeners:
Busty (and photogenic!) British DJ Michelle Dignan (host of Manchester's Key-103's late-night shift) recently ended a year-long "stalking Hell" ordeal due to the harassment of an obsessed male fan, Jason Wood. 35 year-old Wood was described by friends and family as an "intelligent and articulate man" who had "a great interest in radio." His interest in the 19 year-old Dignan unfortunately got the best of him, as his relentless threat-tinged letters and packages to her resulted in his arrest. Dignan requested police protection at the first sign of real trouble. Like many stalkers, Wood finally got to meet his pout-a-riffic object of affection in the very real flesh... at the court hearings during his sentencing.
Also recently in the UK, a very attentive radio listener by the name of Rebecca Corrighan was so attentive of drive-time Signal Radio host Matt Rogan, that she began to sincerely believe that the DJ was, in actuality, the secret identity of convicted child-murderer Robert Thompson. Since Corrighan thought (still thinks?) that the BBC, the police, and pretty much everyone else in her city were in on the sinister cover-up, she heroically embarked on a one-woman harassment campaign to "uncover" him, which included in-studio death threat calls with disguised voices, poisonous text messages, and visits to the station where she was able to elude building security because, according to her, she could "...walk through walls." Matt Rogan and the station's management got involved, and Thompson was arrested in July of 2004.
For 11 years, Florida radio host K.T. Mills (WALK-FM) was the recipient of letters, flowers, gifts, engagement rings and occasional in-studio phone calls from mental ward pay phones. This of course led to the ineditable in-person creepy visits/threats by faithful listener Alexander Rousseau, who apparently believed the two shared a mutual affair in his own mental la-la land. Police recently crashed the honeymoon and nabbed Rousseau, and Mills' case became a lightening rod for tougher harassment laws in New York (her own quote about her ordeal is the title of this post).
So, my fellow DJs, those examples may not have been exactly rote, but my point is this: do not go gently into that obsessive listener's spider's web nut zone. Do not! When your friends and co-workers are accusing you of being "paranoid" and "ego-centric" when you express polite concern over the listener who mails you their bloody ear in a heart-shaped envelope... don't listen to their jealous cries of "foul." Follow your instincts and cause the biggest commotion conceivable! Get everyone involved! Get the law involved! Don't hesitate to loudly demand body guards and home security devices and restraining orders galore. You ARE an important voice! You ARE a talented, complex, mysterious and enigmatic radio personality that obsessive human mental cases CAN and WILL become overly enamored with! Flaunt it - it's called surviving! Get an agent! Call TV stations and demand that your living Hell be turned into a "Lifetime Movie-of-the-Week!" Go on daytime talk shows and gush buckets of tears as you talk about your harrowing ordeal! You've climbed the ladder of success ...all the way to the level of becoming an inner-world sounding board projection of some unbalanced person's unresolved love and hate issues! Tell the world - or you'll end up on the slab! Follow your gut instincts before your guts themselves end up splattered all over the station's parking lot! It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease and the obnoxiously self-centered stalk-ee who doesn't get shot (but may have to show up at court hearings)! Hang your restraining orders in your cubicle like the medical degrees or Nobel Prize certificates that they ARE equal to! Point them out to passersby! You've earned them! You've attained one of our celebrity-obsessed society's most sought-after medals of honor: a stalker. Be an "in-your-face" stalk-ee! Flaunt your victim-ness, and also the clingy, dangerous, unpredictable weirdo that haunts your every move, as obnoxiously and relentlessly as possible... you may lose your dignity, but you'll save your life.
4. M. C. Escher would have shopped there
The curious new Viktor & Rolf boutique in Milan has fashion lovers hitting the ceiling. The Dutch fashion duo created it alongside architect Siebe Tettero and designer Sherrie Zwail. Shop to your hearts content... but bring some Dramamine. The clothes are the only things in the store that are not upside down - even the store's facade, front door and fitting rooms are inverted. Neck braces and LSD not included (and if you're wheelchair-bound, just stay home... please). You can read about it here, here and here. For a slideshow of the store, go to Viktor & Rolf's web site (after getting through all the Flash stuff, click on 'boutique.')
5. Where's your "happy face?"
I can tell that these models wearing their new Paddy Hartley facial corsets are extremely pleased... I think. Like most revolutionary fashion trends, facial corsets blur the lines between the medical/scientific and the trendy/fabulous - merging oral maxillofacial surgery and tissue-engineering with haute couture and the over-40 globe-trotting sex kitten set. Link, link, link and link (all with lots of pics).
6. Flogging a dead horse
Do you hate horses?
Mark Allen's Top Four for 7/18/05:
Here are four photographs I have taken at moments in my life from the past month. Please add what you think the captions/cartoon bubbles should be saying, and I will post them here.
Email caption here.
- "I'm blind!" (Boeman)
- "I had an art show in New York and all I got was this lousy Ro'gina t-shirt!" (Nick R.)
- "Mere hours before his opening, Jim inadvertently bumps into the Ro-Gina, which was switched on, and perhaps unwisely displayed at crotch-level." (Sean Doli)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "Jim deposits a sculpture to complement the paintings." Bubble: "Grunt!" (BobC)
- "A generation of MAD magazine readers become millionaires." (Mikey)
- "Breakfast! Then lunch..and now, dessert!" (Pinny The Ziphead)
- "I can't believe Richard is already seeing someone new!" (Billyblue)
- "Where my grits?" (Scott Woodard)
- "Abu Ghraib - is it torture, or is it art?" (Chuck G.)
- "Screed!" (Steven J.)
- "(RÜLPS)rbsensuppe!" (Robert)
- "And if any 'a you HOMO'S try 'en steal any 'a MY PAINTINGS... (beat) ah kill ya." (D. Hofer)
- "Tired of being 'shadowed', Jim turns the tables and calls out the ninjas at their special 'dojo'." (Brion)
- "Beauty is well known to draw after it the persecutions of impertinence, to incite the artifices of envy, and to raise the flames of unlawful love; yet among those whom prudence or modesty have made most eminent, who has ever complained of the inconveniencies of an amiable form!? or would have purchased safety by the loss of charms!?!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "The fucking Olson Twins have to PAY like everyone else!" (Brian T.)
- "Awwwwwww skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet... awwwwwww skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet." (Nikolai)
- "Iím the main attraction here, DAMN IT!" (Rodney Redd)
- "Omfg." (Joey C.)
- "Alright bitches! It's Sweatin' to the Oldies time!" (Eric P.)
- "Stop Mark that's not a real toilet!!!!" (Dark Leo)
Email caption here.
- "Ever since June, befuddled WFMU DJs have complained of the strange, growing number of boogers mysteriously smeared on the record sleeves." (Boeman)
- "Where is that Peruvian nose-flute album? Oh here it is!" (Nick R.)
- "Aspiring internet radio disc jockeys would be surprised to know that Mark Allen really does not get paid very much for his work at WFMU. In fact, he's working an indentured servitude to earn back his entire 80's collection of vintage vinyl which was lost at some random house party in Waco, TX, 1988. How it ended up in the library vaults of WFMU is a mystery (or a conspiracy.) Lesson to be learned: don't store your valuables so close to the door." (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "New DJ Mark Allen demonstrates his technique for smelling out another musical gem for his radio show."
Bubble: "That's it!" (mystery man)
- Caption: "Mark gets stuck, again." Bubble: "Will someone please help me!" (BobC)
- "All records at WFMU must be filed alphabetically and nose-wise." (Mikey)
- "Floor Jive!" (Pinny The Ziphead)
- "CDs are the way of the future...GET OVER IT!!!" (Billyblue)
- "While selecting cuts for his next show, Mark was attacked by one of the undead, underfed zombies that live hidden in the lower recesses of the WFMU library and survive on left-over 8-track tape and Norwegian death metal tunes from Diane Kamikaze's show. Seen out of frame (Mark was grabbed by the ankles and dragged into a secret trap door between the Y and Z CD sections near the floor... leaving a single drop of blood nearby), this rare photo is nevertheless the only evidence of this malignant army of creatures that hide in the shadows of this esteemed institution and snatch the occasional DJ, leaving a frustrated and terrified staff to dub the lower levels of the library 'The Bermuda Triangle.' Listen to Mark's next show, which will be programmed by an AUTO-DJ machine, and will be in his memory. And if you listen carefully, during the rare, brief moments of dead air at WFMU, turning your volume knob up really loud... you may be able to hear the faint, horrific cries and wailings of the monsters that live many fathoms below, way, way down...in the basement." (Chuck G.)
- "Diese LP geht durch 'Mark' und Bein!" (Robert)
- "AaaAAAHHH! aaAEEYE have the butt everyone's always wanted!!!!" (D. Hofer)
- "Mark's epiphany was startling, ill-timed, and sort of painful all at once." (Brion)
- "Tastes like chicken!" (Eric P.)
- "Hooked on a classics and fucked by a stool." (Frank D.)
- "To be able to procure its own entertainments, and to subsist upon its own stock, is not the prerogative of every mind! There are, indeed, understandings so fertile and comprehensive, that they can always feed reflection with new supplies, and suffer nothing from the preclusion of adventitious amusements; as some cities have within their own walls enclosed ground enough to feed their inhabitants in a siege!! But others live only from day to day, and must be constantly enabled, by foreign supplies, to keep out the encroachments of languor and stupidity!!!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "I can't believe 'Tom' from My Space never writes back." (Brian T)
Email caption here.
- "I just got back from Toys In Babeland!" (Boeman)
- "The latest weapon to fight NYC-sized rats: Rat Kill-Bots!" (Nick R.)
- "I see, Mr. Robot. And for this court record, could you tell me exactly where it was that Mr. Allen 'touched you' while you were playing Donna Summers' Last Dance?" (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- "I am not finding the simulated pulse." (Larry Swanson II)
- Caption: "Technician holds down the robot as it had attempted to jump out the window when it learned it must spend 4 days with Mark Allen." (robot) Bubble: "You don't understand, he'll watch the same damn movie over and over and over." (technician) Bubble: "Tough for you circuit boy, you're not costing me $6k by offing yourself." (BobC)
- "Many Americans do not realize that the high cost of the robot actually includes a young Japanese woman super glued to the back of it, 24hours-a-day, 365days-a-year, secretly operating it like a marionette." (Mikey)
- "The latest delicacy from the Orient... robot sashimi. Raw robot meat served on expensive Manhattan apartment hardwood floor." (Pinny The Ziphead)
- "Ya right, there's a bubble coming out of my head...now quit stalling and DIE!!" (Billyblue)
- "Für japanische Hände ist die Maus etwas unergonomisch, ich probier mal die andere." (Robert)
- "Hmmmmm... I'm hungry... MMMMM... GIANT MARSHMALLOW PEEP!!!" (D. Hofer)
- "Domo Arrigato Mr. Ro - WHAT THE FUCK?" (Steven S.)
- "Toilet squat and play." (Frank d.)
- Sir, there is nothing by which a man exasperates most people more, than by displaying a superiour ability or brilliancy in conversation! They seem pleased at the time; but their envy makes them curse him in their hearts!!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "Really, no one steals Mark's Haysi Fantayzee records." (Brian T.)
Email caption here.
- "Nobody here but us vanishing perspective lines!" (Boeman)
- "Nobody here but us Jason Voorhees'." (Nick R.)
- "'The Man Not Taken': Two guys emerged from my dating list, and sorry I could not do them both, and have great sex, my chance I have missed, and be one of the guys they must have kissed, gave my own wood some new undergrowth" (Dan-O)
- "Where is the toilet?" (Joel)
- Caption: "Jim takes a picture of Mark in the woods." Bubble: "Am I far enough back, yet?" (BobC)
- "I always enjoyed Edie Beale's recitation of the Robert Frost poem best." (Mikey)
- "I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" (Pinny The Ziphead)
- (whisper from an underpaid background tree actor) "Ya, I think I'm in the shot?" (Billyblue)
- "Jetzt habe ich gerade gefegt..." (Robert)
- "I love you!" (D. Hofer)
- "To live without feeling or exciting sympathy, to be fortunate without adding to the felicity of others, or afflicted without tasting the balm of pity, is a state more gloomy than solitude; it is not retreat, but exclusion from mankind! Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures!!" (Samuel Johnson via Rich B.)
- "Keep walking, soon you'll be in Mortville where you belong." (Brian T.)
- "Who farted?" and "Did anyone just hear a tree fall?" (Lorne L.)
- "Do I look hot yet.....? How about now.....?" (Steve S.)
- "Back, back, back Just a little more. Thatís it keep going!" and "The invisible man speaks!" (Rodney Redd)
- "Uhh not again... stupid bears." (James Fung)
- "So many leaves and so little time..." (Peter M.)
- "How do I look?" (Frank D.)
Copyright 2005 Mark Allen
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