Nevertheless, the time
was near! To debut what the people so anxiously anticipated!
The advisor was in the King's quarters, assuring his royal highness he had participated
First hand! In a plot to fool the people in thinking they were getting a free meal
consisting of a "nothing cake" that was this very day to be revealed!
All the towns people
were mobbed in front of the castle moat (some even fell in!)
Assholes to elbows, pushing and shoving, they wanted to know "When!? When!?"
Like rabid dogs - they were a near riot! Oh it was a scary and upsetting sight to see!
They were salivating violently, for a free hand-out from the bourgeoisie!
The king then stood
high on the tower (you could see his cellulite-y knees!)
Every single person in the town waited below, there wasn't a single absentee!
The king then instructed his harem girls to put down their gorgonzola cheese
He scolded his court; "Shut up for a second! An announcement I'm about to decree!"
The skinny people below
hushed and looked up, their skeletal ribs stuck out in anticipation
Awaiting the King's announcement about the free food that would offer them salvation!
They knew it was something called a "nothing cake" (thanks to posted flyer's rumors)
But all agreed to act surprised, after all they wanted to be "good" consumers!
But before the king
could open his fat lips one tiny millimeter, one single bit...
the king's advisor ran up the stairs in a huff - he was having a conniption fit!
"Wait! Stop! Nooooo!" whispered the advisor in the king's ear "Halt the event!
We forgot to actually make a nothing cake for you to present!!!"
"Oh hush! Stop
it right now!" hissed the king in a spit-filled, raspy whisper
"Stop having a panic attack! I've about had enough from you mister!
I'm tired of you trying to take credit for all the things I create!
Now get of my stage... before I get really irate!"
The associate (once
again) stood in a perplexed and defeated slump and stared
"Had the king grasped the reality of what was just said? Is he even aware?
Does the king realize he's announcing something that isn't even there?
In our hype and haste... No one thought of an actual cake to prepare!"
"The King is acting
like a spoiled showman... I'm just going to smile and hope for salvation,
in this sad, regrettable hour of desperation!" said the advisor in exasperation,
"If the people react in a bloody riot, when the king reveals the hype has no foundation
I will simply quit this regrettable job and search for a brand new vocation!"
Then the king commanded
some tune or other be played by his trumpeters
He then stood up real high, opened his mouth and said; "Friends! Countrymen! Lend me your..."
...but! Before the King could utter the word "ears" - the people erupted in a riotous rush of a stampede!
They fell like lemmings into the moat, stormed the pewter walls - like slithering snakes trying to feed...
...On a nothing cake
that was not even there! Oh it was quite mad cacophony!
"What the hell is going on!" shouted the King, amongst the violent debauchery
"I want to announce my fantastic new creation without all this mad revelry!
Why can the people listen and be quiet? Oh advisor please help me!"
But the advisor stood
on the castle wall, he could not believe as he looked down and stared
The people were rejoicing and grabbing... something that wasn't even there!
The people at the front of the swelling crowd shouted "Mmmm! It is yummy!"
While those near the back salivated, pushed forward and rubbed their tummies!
He saw the people exclaiming,
proclaiming praises with awe!
The associate couldn't believe what he heard and saw!
Blind faith! Deaf trust! Fingerless belief! He was enthralled...
When he realized he and his men's work had caused it all!
The associate stood
in shock... he simply stared with self congradilatory amazement
The townspeople were convinced the cooks had made this cake in the castle's basement!
The town yokels were rejoicing a product, a confectionery delight
Even though they were gulping air every time they took a bite!
The advisor had done
his best! In the name of cost-effectiveness
(Which the King himself did indeed rudely request)
His men had put people's reliance in word-of-mouth to the ultimate test
He stood proud as he listened to the crowd below chant the rest:
"The Nothing Nothing
Nothing Cake we have heard so much about
Is delicious and nutritious! It is without a doubt!"
Oh yes, there were one or two nay-sayers, but they were drowned out amongst the shout
ninety nine point ninety nine percent, were in agreement; "We will never again go without!"
There was nothing there!
The people were eating air!
Had they no taste buds on their tongues? No brains beneath their hair?
Could people's need to believe make them that unaware?
Could they have convinced themselves in something that is simply not there?
The advisor thought:
"Our spin control endeavor - I must say... it was very clever
I've never seen something so very clever not ever ever ever!
Why we don't need a cake at all... not never never never!"
And we can continue not making nothing cakes forever ever ever!"
The advisor then turned
and said - as he wanted his associates to realize
That as far as public relations go - they had won the grand prize
He continued on with pride as he gazed into their eyes; "Why all we need is hype
We must pummel the people constantly - every day with tripe!
So the people marched
Back off down to the village they all went
It was truly amazing - they were satisfied! The advisor and associates efforts had not been misspent!
It appears that through cunning, cleverness and words, the people's demands had been circumvent!
The people chanted
as they marched down... to their huts made of paper and snot
"Oh how we love our new town... we love the nothing cake, we will protest not!
Let's all have a slice! Why let's have one twice!
Why we will be happy to again and again... at this nice price!"
As the weeks and months
passed... the people were looking downright gaunt
The nothing cake and it's myth had proven to be quite the euphoriant!
They were eating nothing all day! Lapping it up as if it were really there!
"We will never run out!" they rejoiced "Our faith in life is finally repaired!"
"We haven't a single
For the greedy king that he was!
We don't doubt his good intentions one smidgen!
Now that we have this nothing cake! We proclaim it our new religion!"
And with that last
line I will tell you, oh they should have been forewarned!
That the nothing cake and the day it debuted - would one day soon be mourned!
For it is this faith in nothing (nothing that only benefited a few!)
That would cause a tragic chain of events - that no one could undo!
While up in the castle...
the king grew richer - oh when it came to business he was evilly good!
He had created a self-perpetuating Mobius strip of supply and demand (that only his advisor really understood)
It seems this particularly sophisticated concept of commerce, it was a perpetual motion machine!
Yet the king and his associates would tragically soon learn, that their asses were not one hundred percent clean!
The advisor said to
the King; "The nothing cake is not costing us not a penny...
But what we are earning? It's a-plenty! In the google-zillions I'm sure!
And the icing is this; since all this nonsense,
You are no longer seen as an evil doer!"
"But I do have some
slightly depressing news
Oh don't let it worry you too much though
It seems the bank is having trouble with one of your accounts
They called to let you know... your reality check has bounced!"
"Shut up! Calm down!
Oh please don't be in such a hurry to make a fussy worry!"
Snapped the King; "My perception of reality has always been a bit 'blurry'!
You see public relations and the truth don't often mix,
and being in the public's scrutinous eye is my business!"
"What people don't
know won't hurt them! Ignorance is bliss!
When people have something to believe in, harmony exists!
Who cares if they are ten times as skinny as before!
They are happy and content! Stop being such a sour bore!"
"Take all that boring
math down to my royal accountant
He handles all my bonds, bills and stocks!
And I will ask you once more... on your way out the door,
To hand me my hummingbird skin frock!"
Now do you, the reader,
think this wrong? Do you think this criminal?
You must say to yourself "Faith is a good thing!"
The people are malnourished, they're not getting their vitamins - that's condemnable!
But the people are happy... yes they are united - and that is commendable!
But I am afraid to
tell you; there was an expiration date that eventually would prevail
On the super glue that held the silver lining to the edges of this bittersweet fairy tale
How can universal and eternal happiness (even if it exists only in the mind) possibly fail?
The barren, pale, bland and boring truth? I cannot yet tell...
But I will tell you
that, whether the story makes you glad or sad,
Whether you think me good or bad
All things false, hollow and untrue eventually wither and collapse (oh I hope you learn!)
They break down, crumple, decay, fall apart, crash and burn!
The chaos and
goo of the universe, is unbreakable and unknown!
It's decision-making mechanisms are set in permanent code
It is form-follows-function in it's purest state
(It has no room for pity or compassion on it's plate)!
The King and his advisors
had entered a one-way, downward spiral
by exploiting the people's minds, and twisting them to defy their own reason!
By choosing NOTHING as the base of their new-found happiness, success and goals,
they all (to blame or not) had committed against the universe - the ultimate act of treason!
And from his silver
throne, the king had foolishly thrown fate a bone
He and his associates thought that the minds of the people they could steal
And in order for them to pay back the outstanding balance on their loan...
Mother Nature would have to make mankind it's final meal!
Copyright 2001 Mark Allen
Part IV of "The Nothing Nothing Nothing Cake":
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