Smiles all around!

One sub-phenomenon of any global trouble is the way it solidifies the closure-starved “End of Times” base. The recent escalation in the Mideast has Rapture-enthusiasts (sometimes called ‘Rapture Redians’) booking their tickets to infinity, and wringing their praying hands in martyr-istic glee. Would you like to be more prepared? Gander with the flock over at the Rapture Ready discussion board, where there’s practically a kegger going on right now. The first five pages of threads are discussions ecstatically contrasting what is going on in Israel to Biblical scripture, and documenting in first-hand detail how members of every mainstream media news outlet (yes, even FOX) are kissing and licking Satan’s hairy ass by shadowing the facts from the general public, so as to damn as many souls as possible (those bar-code forehead implants ready yet?)

Speaking of, the Oops! I Guess I Wasn’t Ready advice column (designed to be read post-Rapture),
delivers sugar-coated, Ann Landers-style advice to those left behind; “You may have heard people say, ‘Because we’ve missed the rapture, we are lost forever.’ That assumption is totally wrong! The only way you can find yourself eternally lost is by receiving the Mark of the Beast on your right hand or forehead. Barring that …I’m going to strongly advise you to decline the offer when the government informs you that it has your implant ready for insertion.” …with another columnist concluding; “…think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia, in your mouth. How painful and unbearable is that? Don’t take that mark!”

Wondering if the Anti-Christ walks among us? Take a gander at the candidates in The Mr. Antichrist Evil Pageant (president Bush is included with a polite disclaimer that he’s only there because he’s the sitting president… whew!)

John 14:2-3 reads “In my Father’s house are many mansions.” Are you ready to pick out yours? Apparently the “class wars” pick up right where they left off in the next life; see what housing market your spiritual score in this world left you in God’s Kingdom in The Mansions In Heaven Tour. Hope you don’t get the “outhouse” because you were a poor practicer, or the unfinished crumbling house because you were a “Christian quitter,” or even the doll-house because your belief in Christ was “immature.” What if you were a model Christian in every way? Why you get the Trump Plaza, naturally!

What would media celebrities (left behind, all of them) have to say once denied entry on the glorious day? A lifestyle choice re-think perhaps? Let’s take a gander at the sound bites that might fall out of George Burns, Marilyn Manroe, Charles Darwin, John Lennon and other members of the liberal media’s mouths in between helpings of (disease and pestilence-ridden) humble pie in the What Would They Say Today column. For some reason I keep thinking of those lyrics to that Fred Schneider song “Summer In Hell.”

If you’re sure you’re a chosen one for delivery-day, and you think disappearing into thin air without leaving a note for your lazy, slothful, heathen friends would be “rude,” then by all means visit the Rapture Letters site, an automated electronic email program that will mechanically send out a form letter email to all of your humanist friends to peruse while they pull their hair and gnash their teeth and the sky rains with blood. Who will be the person at website’s server, left behind to push the “send” button? I think we all know. And how will you know what email addresses to put into your “send to” list? I think you probably have a good idea of that too. Bless them.

But don’t spend all your time gloating. Why not pass the time listening to the “explosive,” apocalypse-ready sounds of the Raptur-rific, Rap-tastic, Christian hip-hop group Rapture Ruckus?

Although the strategy of recent creationist activist groups was to get the concept of creationism classified as an actual science, I’m wondering if the same strategy might be employed to get Rapture-preparedness taught in schools… BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE?!? Is the Rapture a Biblical prophecy about God, or is it “…a supernatural movement into a higher form… a punishment from the great cosmogonical mind, removing the evil from the world?” Scienticians agree.

Of course I can’t not mention the very effective 1991 film The Rapture, starring Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny, for bleak thrills.

More Rapture-happy paintings like the one above can be found at this entertaining site.