Archive for January, 2007

“You turned our Silent Night into a Hellious Night!”

Found: super, super-rare deleted scene from John Waters’ Female Trouble (1974). The out-take (in black and white here) occurs the night before the fatalistic Christmas morning scene at Dawn’s childhood home. For someone like me who is as (absurdly… and still) obsessed with this film as I am to have never seen it anywhere (not even on any of the deluxe version DVDs), I know that some of you probably haven’t either. And frankly, if you don’t have this whole film memorized already, well, I really just, uh… don’t want to know you. Enjoy!

(thanks to Jim for the tip)


Current User Comments for Andy Warhol’s “Empire” (1964)

SUBJECT: Is there any nudity in this?
– by teh_mode, (Sat Nov 4 2006 05:11:07)
Thinking about taking the kids to see it. Looks pretty good.

SUBJECT: Re: Is there any nudity in this?
– by FireMarshallStev (Tue Nov 28 2006 16:35:35)
There’s some buttsecks.

SUBJECT: Re: Is there any nudity in this?
– by dy5187 (Sat Dec 2 2006 09:36:01)
Actually, there’s a bunch of topless girls, some graphic NYC violence, drug use, incest, necrophilia, bestiality, and underage drinking.

SUBJECT: Re: Is there any nudity in this?
– by Jim_Lo (Fri Dec 29 2006 23:17:52)
Lots of gratuitous nudity plus more! Things got pretty interesting when the 500 foot-tall woman saw this phallic-shaped building and thought to herself, “Hmmmmmmm, I wonder . . . .” That’s all I’m gonna say.

SUBJECT: Re: Is there any nudity in this?/The Sequel
– by Jim_Lo (Sun Dec 31 2006 18:55:48)
There was a sequel in the works but Warhol died before he had a chance to prop up his camera in place. It was to be about how the Chrysler Building almost defeated the Empire State Building for bragging rights for being the tallest skyscraper in NYC and how Empire claimed the title in the end. Warhol was planning on calling this titillating sequel “Empire Strikes Back”.


SUBJECT: Why did the Empire State Building quit acting?
– by teh_mode (Sat Nov 4 2006 05:00:16)
It was a towering performance in Empire, so why did it quit?

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Loud, Click-y, Fake Typing Done So My Boyfriend Can Conveniently Overhear It Through The Wall In the Next Room and Think I’m Actually Working On My Manuscript When I’m Really Not (see, sometimes we have little ‘wars’ at home about which of us uses his time more constructively), Anyway, and I Also Thought I Would Just Put On My Blog Because It’s Writing, Right? I’ll-Show-Him Who’s More Ambitious, Organized and Has It More Together, Dammit (Pt. 2)

c oh why wont it f gahter! Faser! It wont to go to the faster it iw sthe faster is the faster hanfign out in modern bars synthi shaklie is such a bore the gum green is the disc is such a bore the sound of a sdcrtch cowd. And I’m listening to these two talijg down the street and one saud to the other I think it would be really beat if they put that thing over there and the base eowunf 5if tghe rtgeeen sisd cis the gum smell of the corlot and uh oh the plane smells like mcdonals and you said put you in COMPATMENT and you’re my girls! Oh yea and it’s so well uh huh and you hear and se makes a Bline right for Valentine and they sit there and bitch. and was they huh huh oh WEEEEEE won’t oh huh sure he knows. so the room ssdivide off and the camera views and the roms are the white line it’;s a strip on the panels like fall off and the sound on the black microphon and the sound of the divided and the plaxiglass well it the punctuation capitaliza and you know athat tyou know is the know! Oj I really felt that and was like the sdesolare of the winter time. and ju7st fall back to wander house and the linbo and I ho ythe horse head it’s the hair and is we chaved the wrinkly hugger as the shaved to the cat and we shaved of the hugs! Oh bov thr fred frith is speechcless and the fred frith iot fgr dr=i og thre fred frith is the fred rith of the doosplee! and you dont; even know whaty Il, typ ifgbefsasiie the norferrs of the keyboard are runfefined unku in outselfevf!!!! well an it’s just round there and i was afraid to take a picrtuew of tour thasnksgiving school and was it so the scaft you just walked like lalala and i don’t Care the historu of it all of the shell insdie tour parents gbreath of toyu tell infg of tales oh I just imagint the fire atop a rooftop and tell the tales does anyone have a toenail uncurler of the tales in the tent and outside the windows of the buifdong what was the painters anme of the serene captueed in oil and the click clack of the wealking of gallery heals and the smell of bensene wax and butrchers wax really took me back to the clasp of the just shove the show inn the tube you and you’ll be causght i wrot eit off and the metal on the clasp oj the deawr fo there to the cvaruaons maybe mighets we were tired i saind she3;s gonns pop one ouitn! fns the clasp and it’s a flat tire she said ih and arer you hi and i don’t feel well and walked away to the flat tire no that was d digffwerent time and she would be dead in a yearr or was it more and funeral the crya nd stain that monica points out and the whatever oh it;’s sad and she was flying down central expressway and i DO mean flying and the tragesdy is the film is the last thing I remmeber hot sun in the foyuer of the hall of the hall oh you said blue veltre dwas like beaver goersw to hell and HOLD FOR THE DOTS … cause thats’s a apause AND HJE LIKES IT! ya asnd anothetr pause that is th pause of socual cignifiers and in the diln tou’re just cadncing around ina circle like apow wow and that’s ot. the letter wan and the sampler was like her name a million times all at once don’t wake me from y nap and couldnt stop laughing the papert cup is red and carboard and condescation from thew crips delsifuio slsurpie and styiop at the 7 aa right by the hard rocj hacfe!


Couch Cushion Forts / Blanket Forts

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The definition of a Couch Fort (aka: a ‘Blanket Fort’).

A mother’s story of her children’s Couch Fort construction.

Another parent’s tale.

A backyard Couch Fort.

The Onion spoofs Couch Cushion fort abuse.

Some sort of Couch Fort society.

Some kind of cat girl in Couch Fort.

A laughing girl in a Blanket Fort (and from her perspective).

The Blanket Fort as gallery art.

This looks kind of fun in it’s own right, but is no substitute for the real thing.

A fake history of Couch Forts.

Why not go to Fort Couch School?

Mp3 clip from The Simpsons where Homer says “All I’m gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort…? (scroll down).

Stop-motion(ish) video of a guy building a Blanket Fort for his cats in his apartment.

Nice video of some kids in a Blanket Fort.

Short video diary of two girls in a Blanket Fort.

Some Fort Couch Drama (and pt. 2).

How to make a “Couch Fort Air-Conditioner Coffin? (more a hot weather thing).

Please don’t use all the seat cushions on a plane to make a on-board airplane Couch Fort fort, because if the plane crashes in water passengers may need them for a floatation device.


Emails! I get emails!

Subject: stimulant streetnames cuz i like your don knots show.
From: maury o’rourk
Sent: Jan 12, 2007 11:08 PM
Priority: Normal

Hi Mark! I like your Don Knotts shows so here are some stimulants and their streetnames:

Amphetamine famine
Body: Saint Tweedledum
rested timpani
B-bombs’ trilogy Outcomes
Imported Nair= indie-flammable
Museum: Remus nymphomania
sex-Mph Altman
pH Benzedrine Multis
Ms. Maupassant Umpteen
Openhearted-Ma’am Amnesiac
Barnstorm Orgy
Pentecost Pentagram: Mule Deluxe…

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Koral Karsan’s threatening letter to Yoko Ono

[NOTE: read the latest on the criminal case here]

Letter quoted verbatim:

December 2006

Dear Ms. Ono,

As you know, I have loyally served you in many capacities as your driver, bodyguard, assistant, butler, nurse, handyman and more so your lover and confidant over the last ten years. During the course of these years, our relationship has also deepened into a very emotional and physical one as well.

Unfortunately, as you know, your mood swings and dependencies have drastically eroded our relationship, and led to a continual stream of abusive statements and treatment from you. Ranging from personal insults to demanding acts of great sacrifice by me, your systematic and continuous physical and psychological abuse has caused me to become a different person, stripped from any kind of dignity and self respect.

Your constant demands on my time, for both your and your family’s professional and personal needs have greatly and perhaps irrevocably hurt my relationship with my spouse and children. My wife has now left me because of the relationship between you and me. This is solely due to your excessive demands on my time, demanding my companionship for over 15 hours daily, seven days a week for the last six years. My life has been connected to yours to a point where basic chores and activities such as taking my wife to the doctor’s office or having an engagement party for my son had to wait for months on end for you to leave the country so that I could attend the needs of my family.

Additionally, our relationship both in the public eye and private has caused a significant degree of defamation to my character. People, including your own son and daughter have voiced their opinions regarding our relationship. Every day I endure countless demeaning looks and comments from people at work, on the street and most painfully at home. This continues and will continue to cause indescribable pain for me and more importantly my family.

Under all these circumstances, I decided to contact my lawyer in order to put an end to this string of events. After discussions, we decided to pursue a “quid pro quo” sexual harassment suit against you. There is more than enough documented instances in which you harassed me in this manner and I’ve been advised that the case will be more than easy to file and prove. The case will not only involve you and I, but will also include Sean, Kyoko, Bijoux, Jan Wenner, Michiko Meyers, Sam Havatoy, Dakota residents, Paul and countless others as they will be forced to testify about things that will shock the world. I will make sure that upon filing of the suit, the NY media (members of which I have gotten to know very well over the years) will be all over it and we will all read the details on page six and other tabloid magazines for quite a while.

Such a trial, regardless of if I win or lose, will provide me with a significant amount of publicity that I will use to promote a number of books that will portray You, Sean and John. These books will be written using information obtained from ten years of listening to you as well as pictures taken with hidden cameras and literally thousands of hours of recordings I have been compiling since 1996. Within these tapes, there are recordings such as the ones below that will quite frankly, astound the world.

– Sean, while speaking to his girlfriend Carmella, calling John “a wife beating a——“;

– Your political statements against the British and US Governments;

– Your numerous critical comments about your son, daughter, the Beatles, and your friends (such as Jan Wenner, J. Onasis Kenedy, Elliot Mintz, Brian Hendel, John Hendrics, Michiko Meyers and many more);

– The story of you getting raped during WW II in a Japanese farm and the effects of this act on your relationships with men including John;

– Your numerous fights with Sam Havatoy …

Depending on the outcome of our dealings, I will not only write about these recordings but will also distribute them to European Broadcasting Stations throughout the future. You and your legal advisors may think that I am bound by the confidentiality agreement. Be informed that I am moving back to Turkey permanently and will publish my book in Turkey and will distribute the prints through the internet where I have already secured e-commerce capabilities.

All of the above mentioned items will in fact become a reality unless you compensate me and my family for all of the pain and suffering you have caused. If you want all of these pictures, recordings, emails, conversations and memories to vanish from the face of the earth and never hear from me again, all you have to do is send me a certified cashiers check from a New York Bank for a total amount of $2 million.

Thank you very much,
Koral Karsan

(Read the latest on the case here).

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Mark Allen Presents: Bad Early 90’s Cartoon (Pt. 1)

Can you think a fate worse than being trapped in a bad early 90’s cartoon? I’m sure these two girls can’t. Can you think of a better/worse “Early 90’s” caption for this cartoon? If so, email it to me, or put it in the comments section.


Loud, Click-y, Fake Typing Done So My Boyfriend Can Conveniently Overhear It Through The Wall In the Next Room and Think I’m Actually Working On My Manuscript When I’m Really Not (see, sometimes we have little ‘wars’ at home about which of us uses his time more constructively), Anyway, and I Also Thought I Would Just Put On My Blog Because It’s Writing, Right? I’ll-Show-Him Who’s More Ambitious, Organized and Has It More Together, Dammit (Pt. 1)

JFJJJWOJ J pofegp s;lk f;lkfpodfk wpo pokpa apa p32or kfk2wfdjnnjf kkfkeorkemf jkfkf w kwkwkfof 3fjfjfikwekf frfw rg e ef e fjjjffoeof jiiwjfo lwflw. wl;wlfj3o lwlwnfnjnwi9 j jfkdoe ikfkjrj fjoow jfpwpefrhrjkw;dp394 j j aaa c cj f dlkoo0 llkaf lqwl lalqijf lle fnfloj [09uf f dj J2O234943UF RLLJS BBGBGBB JYI8O RGTY6YU6UJ JJAJAO WWHI JJDIOOE ND C JJJSOIIHHN NNS DHHIOD JSLLW WHIIENND IG KKS0OOO923JE HHJKSIOPJN JJJ JOIWJWOW D RERG G GGFIIJHS EFWWER22F GHJ J DFG G 3GFGTRTHH NB KJHE KJ KUHEURGH KJ KJH HUJH GKJ KEEIOIO kdjfdood jj rgb jjdieriirr h ssskihj n the best place for it all to mmet is the place there in the car sick. what is the point of it all? I know i’s like the greeen. Alift into a delt. Gunfire. What does it all mean? What’s the point of it all? Hmmmmm?
Indent is the way to go that’s so funny. I know it seems weird you know it is. And why? What is the point of such nonsense? I don’t drive. The wheels turn. Turning asnd turning thare is the best of lands. Best… best of lands. The turn of turns is turnit;s in the bag the cat? Hmmm? The cat is in the bag of oh that’s too loud. The mall. Malls of malls and an endless mall tube you f ff f f ffff f fffffffffff float inside and rotate XBNSDBNC SDKU J sj circumference radiant sales oh bitchg of air conditioned bliss blue skies through plaxiglass crystal i palace-faux windows. toRN NDown Pro Printersclosed on the days sosBliss of the delt. And on star strat the delt green start. Styreetosphere. in the feun., , < continue reading


Ebay’s Most “Successfuleb Businessman!”

Behold the “proof certified” trademark showcasing style and genius business acumen of Ebay seller Shop4uby4me (aka: ‘Successfuleb Businessman’) – a modeling extraordinaire… a marketing demigod! Is he from Texas? Why of course (Tyler, Texas to be specific)! Interested in a skirt? What about some ties? How about a Mu mu with “…the feel of nylon, the comfort of Christmas?” 60’s vintage Mod Op Art? A Mexican ensemble? Scroll down on each auction page and witness his endless make-love-to-the-camera-red-hot-photo-sessions, just past the exquisetly comprehensible prose about each item (the real treat). Our friend Brian dubbed him “…the lost sibling of Gerard Malanga and George Wendt.” When I first saw his auction pages, he was actually selling handmade paper doll kits (of himself), but that particular auction appears to be over. Enter “Successfuleb Businessman’s” whole world of wonders here.

(thanks to Robin for the tip)


Electrical Dinner, 1884

An article from the January 13, 1884 edition of New York World and New Jersey Daily recounts in fascinating detail an elaborate stay-over dinner party thrown at the Newark, N.J. home of the renowned inventor William J. Hammer. Mr. Hammer (a friend and associate of Thomas Edison), titled the mind-boggling evening “Electrical Diablerie,” and made his home itself the primary source of entertainment, fitting it with a complex array of automated electrical devices and futuristic doodads, all of it resembling something out of Terry Gilliam’s film Brazil. The concept pre-dated the 1940’s/50’s “automated home” phenomenon by more than a half century. An excerpt:

“When the guests arrived and entered the gate, the house appeared dark, but as they placed foot upon the lower step of the veranda a row of tiny electric lights over the door blazed out, and the number of the house appeared in bright relief. The next step taken rang the front door bell automatically, the third threw open the door, and at the same time made a connection which lit the gas in the hall by electricity. Upon entering the house the visitor was invited to divest himself of his coat and hat, and by placing his foot upon an odd little foot-rest near the door, and pressing a pear-shaped pendant hanging from the wall by a silken cord, revolving brushes attached to an electric motor brushed the mud and snow from his shoes and polished them by electricity. As he was about to let go of the switch or button, a contact in it connected with a shocking coil, caused him to drop it like a hot potato.”

Read the entire article here.

(thanks to the awesome Rich Hazleton for the tip)

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Christian Fisting







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Spiritual Drunkenness

The controversial Pentecostal strain of “Holy Laughter? or “Spiritual Drunkenness? involves becoming so possessed with the power of the Holy Spirit that one yelps in uncontrollable fits of spastic laughter and guffaws, acts animatedly intoxicated, falls all over fellow congregationers, and moos (literally). Sometimes the effects are so great that it is considered dangerous for the person to drive home from church afterwards. The extroverted practice is disavowed by most in the church, for reasons that aren’t too hard to figure out. The late Texan pastor Kenneth Hagin and others are seen in this must-see video clip at a 1997 conference, contagiously spreading the word of “obnoxious God ha-ha’s.? This six-minute video is very baffling; a fascinating study in the effect of crowd social signifiers, “mob mentality? (and the fake smile/laugh) on top of everything else. Many, many more highly enjoyable video clips of such stuff can be found on this anti-Holy Laughter site.

(thanks to Ken for the tip)

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